The side of my life that grows and changes with my interests and discoveries pertaining to the D/d and D/s world, with respect to my spiritual convictions/sensibilites. (This page is best viewed in Mozilla Firefox)



I photographed this a while back... I've always like it. Plus, it seems to fit this post.

I'm so exhausted. No, I haven't worked all day. I haven't been gone all day. I haven't done hardly anything but walk around the house... all day. But I'm dead tired. Have been for the past week.

It's because I can't sleep. I toss and turn all night long, and wake up all hours of the night.

And I know why - my entire back just aches so much so that my body cannot relax . Muscle pain and nerve problems. I'm going to see the doctor soon and I sure hope they can help. I've had enough of these sleepless nights. It's really starting to catch up to me. Pain + no sleep = an irritable, sad me. The past few days I've been on the verge of (if not) depression, and very easily aggravated. Tonight, I finally put two and two together.

Pain can do strange things to people. Or is that just my thinking? It can make you happy, it can make you sad, it can actually turn you on, it can change your life, your thoughts, and your feelings... so much, for such a small word.

Rico's new toy... yes, it's a freakin' dog collar that he thinks makes a perfect strap.

Yes, I know. As crazy as that sounds... it's true. OMGOSH...what to do..what to do?!

Everything aggravates him, anything you say can and will be used against you, breathing can suddenly have an "attitude." If you point out that he's in a bad mood, you're being disrespectful, and if you close your mouth and cease to speak - you're laying a guilt trip!

AHhhhh. Is your head about to explode? Do you feel something like THIS?!:

Slightly morbid...but hey, you get the "picture" *g*


But it happens. As the sub in this type of circumstance, what do you do? Sure, you entertain thoughts of wanting to cap him upside his head with that saucepan... but in reality, you want things back to normal, and you want to remain a faithful sub even in the hard times.

And they *are* hard times. Those days are the ones where you fight thoughts of throwing it all away, where you momentarily forget the great times, and your idea of your Dom as a person narrows to the way he's acting right then. The most difficult thing about it is not succumbing to acting out. After all, he is - so doesn't that give you the right?

Actually, it doesn't. Not if you want to avoid an eruption of emotions, the major fights, and, eventually, feeling guilty or even bitter and hateful. It takes a whole lot of strength, and a lot of maturity to step back and try to see the whole picture. I've found that, more often than not, when I find that will inside of me (because God knows I'm still pretty weak and immature most of the time), it eventually gets to him and he "sees the error of his ways." *smirk*

There's actually a verse in Proverbs that talks about how when acts of good are done in return for evil it "heaps coals of fire" upon the evil-doer's head. In other words, makes them feel bad and take a look at the way they're acting.

So here's a challenge for all the subs out there (INCLUDING MYSELF!!!), the next time he's having a rough day, and is just completely out of sorts: step back and take a look at the whole picture. Remember how much you love him, and why. Think about what you say, and the things you do. Remain respectful and obedient to any rules you have despite his attitude. And watch what happens. It may take a long time... it may even be the next day. But when he thinks about the way things normally go and begins to compare that to the way you acted this time... something will click. When that happens, you'll be able to talk openly about his "bad day" and he'll return to normal. *hopefully*

Now, like always, there are exceptions, and I won't overcomplicate things by explaining them all.


A good Dom acknowledges when he's had such bad days and been not-so-perfect in conduct. Also, he is able to evaluate himself and, yes, when necessary, APOLOGIZE! Being able to do as such is what earns the respect and honor that characterizes a true leader.


A good sub can see when her Dom is having a rough time, and tries to look at it from all angles. Instead of becoming the "second wrong", she, instead, continues to fulfill her duties as a sub. Perhaps even pushing herself a little further to please him all the more.


Such a big word. What is consistency, exactly (in the context I'm talking about)?

  1. Reliability or uniformity of successive results or events... (from here)

Reliabilty ... successive results/events. Hmmm.

In D/d language? When the same offense crops up repeatedly, you can count on it resulting in punishment. Notice I didn't say the same punishment. Because, sometimes, repeat offenses call for a more severe consequence.

Anyway. Consistency is so incredibly important. Still considering myself kind of new to actually being involved in a D/d relationship, I can attest to this. But, even knowing all that, there are times when I balk at forms of consistency...

For instance: when I truly forget. My brain just doesn't want to comprehend being in trouble for something I didn't mean to do. However, after all is said and done, the fact that he stayed strong and firm always fulfills my true need. I become grateful and thankful that I can depend on him to keep me in check consistantly. I remember that I asked for it, and that this is what I really want.

Although I sometimes hesitate, I've made a committment with myself not to fight any consequence he deems necessary. So far, I've yet to be sorry for that.

Unfortunately, I read about people all the time who fight, control, and twist punishments into what they think they want, in that split moment, while it's all happening. Then, after making it into something it wasn't meant to be, they feel guilty and regret ever doing so. Sometimes even becoming angry that their manipulative behavior was heeded. Which, in turn, confuses the punisher to wit's end.

The way I see it, if you want consistency - you have to allow consistency. Fantasies, a lot of times, consist of the sub being overpowered and punished mercilessly by their Dom... Reality is much different. Especially in modern times. I believe that, eventually, such a relationship gets to the point where fight or not, the punisher knows what's got to happen. However, it takes time, experience, and clear communication to get to that point.

Truth be told, I know it's completely in my power how my punishment goes at this point. I know enough about us both that if I do this certain thing, he won't do that. However, I try to take that knowledge humbly and suppress the panicky-oh-my-gosh-he's-about-to-beat-me-with-that-thing-MUST-STOP-IT! thoughts.

That's what you have to do though - promise yourself you won't interfere (if possible) with the punishment itself.


-All that goes out the window if the punishment is insane or unsafe. OF COURSE.


A good sub, in all simplicity, actually submits to her Dom's will.


As Rico and I are beginning to intensify things concerning this lifestyle, I'm learning more and more about details. The specific things that make up who I really am, and the things that make up who Rico really is. It's quite a shocking thing to wake up one day and realize that some lines you thought you had have suddenly changed.

Anyway... as I look around and really study the different roles that make up the people who get involved in this life style, it's occuring to me that they are all just that - incredibly different. The main difference I'm getting at, however, is the difference between the good and the bad. I don't claim to be an expert, or that anyone should agree, but it
is my opinion. *g* As often as I can, I'm going to post a specific something that I've noted. It'll be either what I think makes up a good Dom, or what I think makes up a good sub.


A good Dom won't become puffed up with pride by his power and control. Instead, he will value his authority and use it to better his sub as a person - which is ultimately what pleases him more than anything.


First, I need to give you a little history. Ever since I was little, I knew I liked spanking; I played spanking games, and I had metamorphosis going on in my stomach when I read something with spanking in it, or saw a spanking scene on television. But I really realized what was going on when I discovered the online world. For two years I read about as much a day as a person can. It blew my mind that there were others out there, and that I wasn't the only person on the planet who liked to have pain inflicted to their backside. THEN (to my astonishment), I ran across D/d. Whoa. The butterflies hatched and were trying to escape at that point.

Anywayz. That's also where I made my first mistake. I tried to tell my [then] current boyfriend about it all. Word to the wise: Not everyone takes the concept of spanking and D/d so well. And there I was - back to feeling like a freak of nature. So, I buried all my feelings and desires, deleted all the links I'd frequented, and shut myself off to this incredible world.

Eventually, I met Rico. It didn't take long for us to realize we were perfect for each other and would be together forever. Really. However, I had told myself a hundred zillion times that I would never tell him about my secret fantasies. I wasn't about to risk our relationship for it. As far as I was concerned, he was worth more to me than that. Fortunately, he actually was into the play spanking stuff too, and I wound up being able to, at least, talk about most of the erotic stuff.

And then it happened. I screwed up -
badly. The impeccable trust between us, that I'd prided myself on, was suddenly broken. Careless words stripped it all away. He was so hurt; I can still remember the pained look in his eyes. ~sigh~

I felt so bad... and I wanted nothing more than to make up for it. Make him happy again. Clear the slate and go back to normal. Of course, the best way for that to happen in my mind was a good, old fashioned, butt-whipping. I couldn't tell him that, though. So, I devised a way to admit my need to, at least, be punished. Lots of talking later, I straight up asked him if he would come up with a way for me to make up for what I'd done. I was sort of getting the silent treatment, so I didn't expect much of a reply. Surprisingly, he waited a moment, then said he would do it, but was unable to think of anything at the time. Even more surprisingly, he decided that he would come up with something and tell me the next day. ~gasp~

The whole night and next morning were torture for me. I couldn't hardly sleep. I just wanted it all to be over with, and wished so badly that the thoughts of him taking a belt to my backside would go away. They didn't. In fact, everything I'd worked so hard to forget about was suddenly crashing back into my world. Just as I was contemplating telling him what I truly thought would fit as punishment (and thus reveal the universe of my hidden desires), a text message popped up on my computer.

Imagine my utter shock as I read the following:

"I want to whip you but I can't. So I'm gunna have to find something else... I love you. What do you think your punishment should be?"

It's a good thing I didn't have anything in my mouth; I almost choked on my own tongue. I'd never once hinted around about D/d or being spanked as a punishment. My previous experience had left me terrified of even remotely mentioning anything to do with it.

Needless to say, it wasn't long after that I was able to pour out my whole heart. He grew up with the same Americanized principles as every other 21st century boy - don't hit girls/don't hurt girls/treat your wife like precious china/etc. But something deep inside him was different. Maybe it's how I presented it, maybe it's that those desires were lying dormant in him the whole time, or maybe it was the fact that he was so hurt and this just clicked as a wonderful solution to those type of ordeals. I'm not sure, but I am incredibly grateful. I do know that having a love ten oceans deep for one another definitely contributed to whatever the answer is.

Over time, I was able to open up to him more than I ever imagined I would. There's nothing he doesn't know about me, my thoughts, or my desires anymore. And he accepts it all. He shocks me all the time by how similar his feelings on things are to mine. Closet spanko doesn't even begin to describe him. I've unleashed someone I never knew existed. *weg*

- "Be careful what you ask for..." pretty much covers it. -

And btw, *g*, I did get a short spanking for breaking [by lying] that trust. It took time, and me giving him a lot of space to figure it all out, but, eventually (weeks later - to be honest), it did happened. Nothing compared to what most would consider a "true" spanking... but it was more than enough.




OK... the comments work now. Bonnie saved the day by reminding me about haloscan. Anywayz... I still don't like the blue links, or how close the "comments & trackback" are to the blog post title... but whatever; at least it all works like it's supposed to. The nit picky stuff will just have to come later.

Now... how do y'all like the new look? :)

EDIT: GRRRR!!!! *pulls hair out again* It looks totally different on I.E. and I have not the FIRST CLUE as to how that can be fixed... *goes to cry*

I had posted in a comment on Bethie's blog about writing something like this... so, with the actual inspiration from Bonnie and lots of quotes from this forum, I give you:

"You Know You're a Spanko When..."

You're with your son in a sound proof room in a hospital (so that his hearing can be tested), and you start thinking.., "I wonder how they did this?" and, "How can I build one at home?"
You're reading a book, watching a T.V. show or movie, and you find yourself thinking there should be a spanking scene included in the plot.
You wonder how every behind you see would look reddened.
You smack anything with a flat surface against your thigh to hear the sound it makes and find out how it feels.
You shop for creams for your (or your s/o's) butt.
You can't pass up the wooden spoons, spatulas, or cutting boards on any store's kitchen isle.
You start classifying people as spanko or non-spanko, and then a step further to tops, bottoms, or switches.
You see a young woman giving her man an attitude and you think to yourself, "She needs a spanking!"
You can't pass up Cracker Barrel without thinking of the CB paddle.
You automatically fold any belt you pick up in two.
The only movie you have saved to your DVR is "The Secretary."
You find yourself converting mini blind rods, drumsticks, hairbrushes, fishing poles, and various other every day objects into full fledged spanking implements.
In your mind, normal conversations suddenly become filled with spanking-puns (hot-crossed buns, "cheek" color, etc)

And the #1 reason (because I think so) for knowing you're a spanko is when:

You walk past a tree and note how the branches would make [either] good or bad switches!

OK... I'm in the middle of changing stuff... so if things look weird, give it a little time. Thank you!

Also, you'll note I added an F/m blog to my link-list. F/m isn't really my thing at all, but the attitude of the writer completely captivated me. He decided to make himself the sub of a
one-sided D/s relationship. His submission blows my mind. If you have a heart for submission, or find it interesting, you ought to give this a read.

BTW - If anybody can help me figure out how to change the link colors, that would be wonderful! (The header and other parts are customized because I was able to figure out those parts of the layout code... but I can't, for the life of me, figure out this link thing)

Yeah... I got in trouble... AGAIN. Thanks to Ree ( will pay later in this post, don't worry!! *weg*), Rico visited her blog and got a new "idea" and decided that our "new rule" would be "no foul language." Now, I really don't want to cuss... I hate hearing other people cuss... but it's been a habit for a long time. So, I racked up a nice little set of them, on top of "giving him orders," and got myself a good belting tonight. It was over my jeans ... but GEE WHIZ! My jeans are thin, and I was freezing cold because it was outside... Can you say, "ouch!?" My entire butt and a good three or four inches of my thighs is nice and red - not to mention the various bruises beginning to surface.

So, as a token of my gratitude for Ree's nice list of rules, I decided to go ahead and cater to her curiosity (see my last post's comments). Here's a list of the punishments I received last week.

-Drumstick spanking (Rowen, I assure you - this gets the point across very well!)
-Internet restriction for five days (Except to talk to him)
-Several comfort withdrawals:
  1. Bed restriction for one night
  2. Food restriction after 2:00 p.m. until the next morning for one day
  3. Had to wake up early
-Handwritten, in pen, summary of four chapters from the Bible (It had to be at least one page long and I was allowed only five mistakes or I had to restart)
-Corner time
-Cleaning chores
-Timeout (For lack of a better term? I had to stay in my room for five hours... in which I did the above mentioned summary)

Now, I just want to reiterate that even though some things came up, that I discussed in my last post, I am glad that it all happened.

So, Ree, did that suffice your curiosity? *weg* ;) (BTW - I am completely joking!)

... of the Drumstick story. Although, not really in "story-style." Rico and I actually had to experience the non-fantasy-really-bad side of D/d and D/s the past few days. Well, this is what happened...

After the drumstick spanking, I didn't really want to admit it at first, but I was still feeling guilty and regretful. I knew that if we were able to really be together, I would've asked him to continue spanking me. But what to do when that's not possible? I wasn't sure, but we had to try something. So I admitted it to him and he decided to punish me. Well, here I am thinking "guilt release," and he's over there thinking, "punishment - must get the point across." Probably a typical newbie screw-up, but one we had to deal with nonetheless.

Can I just say... HE GOT THE POINT ACROSS!!!!

Apparently, I'd done a couple other less-serious things and he decided to "add those in" to my guilt release "punishment." I was not a happy camper. On top of all that, the things he chose happened to be things that really affect me more severely than they would normal people (for different physical reasons - nothing that could kill me or seriously mess with my health). But, it's OK because we learned a whole lot through it.

1) Communication is critical.
2) I have physical issues that make certain punishments impact me much more severely.
3) My being in the right mind-set for whatever is about to happen to me is super important.

Even though it was really hard for me, I did go through with everything he'd originally chosen for me to accept. In doing so, I kept from letting myself down and dealing with more regret later, and I also proved to him that I would submit to anything he firmly decided and that I was truly serious about my committment to this lifestyle.

So despite the craziness, it's all good.


And SO happy... I was starting to feel the blog addiction take over...

It took me forever to catch up on my reading, and I'm still not totally done, so I don't have much of substance to write about at the moment. Tomorrow, though, I'll recap my week/end for y'all.

However, I was tagged...not once, but TWICE (by Janeen and tboneslagirl) ... so I'll fulfill those dutiful blogger duties tonight... (err.. this morning?) and put up some quiz results off of Bonnie's blog:

Here are the instructions:
  1. Go to your blog archive
  2. Find the 23rd post
  3. Find the 5th sentence
  4. Post the text of the sentence in a blog entry along with these instructions
  5. Tag five other people

My 25th post didn't have 5 sentences, so I went ahead to my 26th post... it's perfect, LOL!

" That was when my spanko mind took over. "

Now... who to share my tagged fate? Hmmm... Unfortunately, I don't think I know of five people who haven't already done this yet, lol. So, if you read this, haven't been tagged yet, and want to play - you're tagged. *g*

Alright, now the quiz:

You scored as Tied to the Bed, Propped with Pillows. Your spankings are but one important aspect of a complex BDSM relationship.

Brought to you by My Bottom Smarts.

The Diaper Position


Tied to the Bed, Propped with Pillows


Over the Back of the Couch


Over the Lap


The Bent-Over Ankle Grab


What is My Favorite Spanking Position?
created with

I'm on restriction until Sunday... sorry. :'(

See y'all in a few days.

I walked past him, a flirtatious smile on my lips. My hands grasped the rope swing and I leaned back towards him. He glanced at me from the pile of boards he was sorting through.
"I bet I know what you want..." He whispered in my ear, as he lifted some planks and made his way back to the fire where the rest of our friends were. I watched as he re-kindled the flames and then came back to me.
"Mmmm... maybe. As long as it's a good one." I winked at him. I was sure I was playing the game just right.
"Go find out where everyone is at, and I'll think about it."
Think about what? Whether it should be good or not? Suddenly my heart began to drop. Maybe I hadn't played it right. I'd forgotten about my behavior over the past couple days.

I swallowed hard and began walking towards the house. Gradually it dawned on me that the yard was huge. There were nooks and crannies everywhere I looked - the dark, cool night hid several corners. From the swing where I'd been flirting with fate, all the way to the house, not a soul was in sight. The house was practically empty, excepting a lone TV junkie and a few mewing cats. I was in for it.

Delaying the inevitable for as long as possible, I found the medicine cabinet and downed some pills for the headache I felt coming on. Just as I gulped the last of the water from my glass, I heard the door close behind me. I cringed and turned just in time to see him walk in; looking for me.
"There's nobody around... Sorry I had to get some medicine for my head." I said before he had a chance to ask.
"Alright, let's go."

We walked out of the house side by side. The thought of how much I loved him brought on the guilt pangs. I looked down at my feet.
"It's going to be a punishment spanking." I knew already, and simply nodded my head.
"Do you know why you're getting it?" He asked, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"For being disrespectful to you." I replied in a small voice. My stomach felt like a dropping elevator.
He steered me towards an elevated shed with steps attached to the front of it. We stopped and he looked around. From the corner of the little building you could see the people congregating around the fire in the distance.
"Alright, let's go to the picnic table over there." He pointed about twenty-five feet away. I immediately balked.
"Why not right here by the steps? At least the vehicles block the house over here." It was true. The picnic table was lined up directly with a clear shot to the door.
"OK, we'll do it here." He agreed and turned to pick something up. When he turned back, he held a flat, thin piece of wood in his hand. My heart did double time.
"This might be too loud..." He pointed out, looking around the corner suspiciously, "Lean over the steps."

I put my hands on the steps and angled my butt in the direction he wanted. After a moment of positioning, I felt the first slap of the implement he'd chosen. It stung, but it would take more than one lick for the pain to build up. However, the cracking noise was loud enough to make him hesitate, so I turned to look at him.
"I'm going to use my hand because that was too loud and I don't want anyone walking up."
I just nodded. I was so nervous. Somewhat because of the idea that people were everywhere, mostly because I had no clue just what he had in mind. Would it be long? Would it be really hard? Just how mad was he?

A few hand smacks into the spanking, regret began to overtake me. I really was sorry he felt the need to do this. Tonight had been a wonderful night and we'd gotten along great. But because I'd acted so rotten the days before, he had to interject this punishment into it. It took a while, but the spanks began to add up and I could feel the heat burning into my butt. Jeans and all, the sting was still getting to me.
Finally he paused, "Ten more - count them out."
And I did. Those were the hardest of the whole bunch, and I had to shift my weight a few times.
When it was over, I turned and he held me in his arms.
His body shook slightly, and I wondered outloud why. He didn't know. There wasn't a hint of anger in his body, so I knew it was nothing like rage. I decided that it had to be the mix of emotions he himself was feeling. Having to punish me for both our conscious' sakes. Maybe slightly anxious because of all the people. Sadness at what I'd done? My heart dropped again.
"I'm sorry..." I said quietly.
"It's alright, I forgive you."

But I still felt bad. Because he'd chosen that piece of wood initially, I knew he intended on the spanking being a lot more harsh than it was. And I knew I deserved it.
"Was that good enough?" I asked a little later. He looked down at me, a quizzical look in his eyes.
"Yeah, Baby." And he kissed me on the forehead. But something just wasn't right.
"Promise?" I insisted. He kissed me again and forced a smile. He will never promise me something unless it's absolutely true. So, I knew it wasn't good enough when he refused to answer.
"I stopped because I didn't want anyone to walk up." He admitted.
"If you get the chance again tonight, promise me you'll finish?" I said quietly. He promised.

The opportunity did present itself. Later on we found ourselves upstairs in the house. Only a few others were mulling around. I knew I would feel guilty and horrible for days if I didn't get the spanking over with, so I looked around for an implement and a place to go. I could have grabbed a hairbrush out of the bathroom. I could have taken a ruler from the kitchen counter. I even could have borrowed a belt from one of the bedrooms. But when I saw the drumsticks, my choice was made.

A while back, he'd picked up a set of drumsticks and smacked me a couple times. Only for play, but the sting was strangely intense. I liked the after effects combined with the erotic mindset, but I knew I'd hate those things for punishment. I wasn't scared to tell him that either. In fact, I made it quite clear that other than light taps, I already abhorred those makeshift implements.

So, choosing the drumsticks had a lot of meaning behind it. I knew the pain would be intense, but with all the people... it had to be to get the point across in the time-frame we were presented with. I also knew that he would remember my major dislike for them, and realize that I was completely aware of what I deserved.

I grabbed one and went towards him. When he saw, his face wrinkled in confusion, "A drumstick? Are you sure?"
I nodded a quiet yes.
It didn't take long for me to slip inside a doorway. I leaned against the wall, and he started the last of my punishment. Just as I had suspected, the pain was very profound. I grit my teeth and balled my fists up tightly. Counting was the last thing on my mind. All I could do was hope to God it wouldn't last long. It didn't take but a minute for me to start shifting my weight again. The sting was shocking, and although he alternated cheeks, he kept coming back to the same spot on each side.

Just as I was about to cross over into involuntary noise making, he stopped. As if on cue. I stood there and sucked in a few deep breaths; trying vainly to even out the pain.
"It's over, Baby."
Once again, I turned into his arms and apologized. This time, it was really over.

And I still hate drumsticks.

At least... that's what I feel like writing on my forehead - "Beware: Queen Witch of the Universe." Needless to say, these past few days have been bad. On top of being sick, I have had some unusual femenine issues crop up. Jumble all of that together and add an argument here or there, and all h*ll breaks loose. *sighs*

Thank God Rico has had some major patience with me through it all. One giant
reality hit me, though. I've come to the conclusion that my journey into submission is more like a journey into trust. Fully trusting Rico with everything inside me. He's never given me a reason to not trust him, yet certain things will happen and I become desperate for some sort of control.

Maybe it's the years of hurt, the years my trust has been abused by others, the incredibly thick walls I've put up to guard my heart - whatever it is, I noticed that I become like a wild animal. Stick me in a corner, make me feel threatened, and I'll freak out. It could be a word, a phrase, even an certain physical action that sets me off. I remember my past, I become absolutely terrified of anything like that happening again, and I snap.
It's completely unfair to Rico, and I know it. It's not his fault I'm so screwed up - but it winds up coming down on him anyway. I feel selfish and horrible for the things I do and say and I hardly ever mean most of it.

Something clicked last night, though. He got to a point where I'd confused
him so badly he straight up asked me, "Should we put D/d and D/s on hold until you can trust me?" All of a sudden, I broke down and just started sobbing my eyes out. Since we started this lifestyle, we have been closer than ever before. I have found a respect for him, a deeper love for him... than I ever knew was possible. He didn't want to quit, but I'd become so ridiculous that he wasn't sure I even wanted this anymore. That totally wasn't the message I thought I was sending.

Amazing how badly miscommunication can mess things up.

We aren't quitting... thank God. We both love the effects we've seen of living this way. But I
will trust him. I have no reason in the world not to. I want him to be my leader, to control me, to dominate me... but how can he do those things without my absolute trust? He can't.

It's that simple.

I haven't been feeling too well. *sad face* Usually when I'm hurting, or sick with something, I'm really irritable, weak, and unstable. This time was no different. However, I did notice that I was more aware of the things I was saying and the way I was acting. For me to realize that... was a wonderful thing. Sometimes I can be the most oblivious person on the planet when it comes to knowing how the way I'm treating people is affecting them. Mainly Rico. Living with consequences makes me think twice... for that I am so happy. Nonetheless, the last week or so has had its share of crimes and punishments.

Well, I've started writing a daily journal on Rico's request. It shows me that he's really interested in my thoughts on my submission to him and I respect that so much. When I first started, procrastination let to me missing a few days, but firm consequences got me back in the right mind frame about the journal's importance.

Another recent incident happened concerning obedience. As I believe I've written before, a rule Rico and I have is that when he is with me I have to ask his permission to eat. This is fine with me. It's almost more of a submission exercise for me than anything. The closest he's come to denying me his permission is prolonging it. So my asking is just an act of submission to his control. However, the other day I deliberately ate without asking him. I had excuses, of course. But it was defiance nonetheless; I was impatient. Cleaning my room and scrubbing it clean with a toothbrush plus lines and an apology letter jerked me out of that attitude.

Finally, tonight I disrespectfully motioned for Rico to come to me. Because of the way I did it, he felt humiliated and as if I were treating him like a dog. I honestly wasn't thinking that way when I did it, but looking back I can see how it came off as though I were ordering him around. So yeah, that got me 100 lines. One mess up allowed or I start over. Fun stuff.

All that, and I couldn't be happier. I'm with the man of my dreams, and he is fulfilling my desires better than I ever imagined he ever would. *sighs dreamily* Hope y'all are having a wonderful New Year so far. *g*

I've heard that phrase used all my life, and only recently looked up the actual definition of it: "Someone who does something most people would find unpleasant." (some searches vary, but that's basically it)

Well... for the purpose of this post, I'm going to change that definition. *g*

It took me a while to get to the place where I can comfortably say, sometimes I just need to be punished. I'd read about "reminder" and "stress relief" spankings, but something just didn't click until recently. There is this little part of me that awakens every now and then
screaming for control.

I need to be dominated. At times, for no particular reason at all, I absolutely have got to feel Rico's sheer power over me. To those who have no concept of it, the thought is insane. I mean, what "normal" person wants to be corrected and disciplined - for no reason, at that! Guess that makes me the epitomy of abnormal.

But it's OK. I'm content with my strange desires and weird genetic makeup. It's a part of who I am, and for the first time, I'm alright with that. What makes that feeling possible, is the fact that Rico believes the same thing. Without him behind me - his support, agreement, consolidation - I'd sink into utter insecurity.

What really surprised me was that my need for such things can be fulfilled without necessarily being spanked. It takes creativity on Rico's part, and the right mindset on mine, but it works well enough for me. Not that I don't want, want, WANT that SO badly - but with our circumstances, we just aren't able to do it like it needs to be done quite yet. So we have to... improvise.

That being said, I hereby title myself (at times) A Glutton for Punishment. My definition being:

"Someone who desires to be, and at times indulges in being, punished [dominated, controlled, disciplined, corrected]."

And that, my friends, is where I believe we crossed the line from D/d to the D/s world.

Gotta love me. ;)


On a more personal note, Rico has become more strict about my referring to him with a title (to my absolute delight!).


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