Beautiful Submission: Queen Witch

The side of my life that grows and changes with my interests and discoveries pertaining to the D/d and D/s world, with respect to my spiritual convictions/sensibilites. (This page is best viewed in Mozilla Firefox)

Queen Witch

Published Sunday, January 08, 2006 by rivka | E-mail this post

At least... that's what I feel like writing on my forehead - "Beware: Queen Witch of the Universe." Needless to say, these past few days have been bad. On top of being sick, I have had some unusual femenine issues crop up. Jumble all of that together and add an argument here or there, and all h*ll breaks loose. *sighs*

Thank God Rico has had some major patience with me through it all. One giant reality hit me, though. I've come to the conclusion that my journey into submission is more like a journey into trust. Fully trusting Rico with everything inside me. He's never given me a reason to not trust him, yet certain things will happen and I become desperate for some sort of control.

Maybe it's the years of hurt, the years my trust has been abused by others, the incredibly thick walls I've put up to guard my heart - whatever it is, I noticed that I become like a wild animal. Stick me in a corner, make me feel threatened, and I'll freak out. It could be a word, a phrase, even an certain physical action that sets me off. I remember my past, I become absolutely terrified of anything like that happening again, and I snap. It's completely unfair to Rico, and I know it. It's not his fault I'm so screwed up - but it winds up coming down on him anyway. I feel selfish and horrible for the things I do and say and I hardly ever mean most of it.

Something clicked last night, though. He got to a point where I'd confused him so badly he straight up asked me, "Should we put D/d and D/s on hold until you can trust me?" All of a sudden, I broke down and just started sobbing my eyes out. Since we started this lifestyle, we have been closer than ever before. I have found a respect for him, a deeper love for him... than I ever knew was possible. He didn't want to quit, but I'd become so ridiculous that he wasn't sure I even wanted this anymore. That totally wasn't the message I thought I was sending.

Amazing how badly miscommunication can mess things up.

We aren't quitting... thank God. We both love the effects we've seen of living this way. But I will trust him. I have no reason in the world not to. I want him to be my leader, to control me, to dominate me... but how can he do those things without my absolute trust? He can't.

It's that simple.