Published Tuesday, May 08, 2007 by rivka.
I won't even pretend that I'm back for good, because that probably won't happen for a while! Life has been crazy. For starters, I'm getting married in 10 days and all the plans Rico and I had for where we'd be living have pretty much fallen through.
I think the stress of it all is getting to me. SIGH. I'm trying so hard not to be a bridezilla, lol, that I think it's backfiring. Today has been... nothing less than depressing. It will be so nice when Rico and I can come home to each other at night and not have to try and talk over the phone. We haven't been doing good lately at all. I think it's mostly because I'm so stressed out about the whole thing and he could care less. I guess that happens to everybody though. We've been fighting for like a week straight with very few intervals of "normalness." When I'm not pissed out of my brain and I know I'm thinking straight, I try to tell him how much I need him and how I feel like things are just out of control. But he doesn't help. He just says, "Yeah I know." And that's it? I need more than that... I feel like I have no security at all. None. He's always been so close and so protective, and now when I need him the most he's not there until I screw up or do something he doesn't like... then he's in my face being mean. Now we can't talk without chopping each other to peices.
I think that it's gotten to where I'm scared to death that I'm about to marry someone who's going to be a dictating control freak... who doesn't care how I really feel or when things upset me, and he gets scared that he's about to marry someone who will never be wholly submissive to him and respect him. So he fights to maintain authority and goes overboard, and I first buck and then retreat.
I know we'll make it through.. in Jesus' name.. we always do. But this is so hard right before our WEDDING. This should be like the happiest time of our life, and instead it's hell right now.
On the bright side, however, the actual wedding and honeymoon plans are going perfectly... and they're almost here! We get married the nineteenth and will be gone on our honeymoon all the way till June second. We're going to the Smokey mountains and then to Hawaii. =)
The wedding and reception will all be outdoors at sunset, and then under the stars, in a beautiful garden. Rico and I are going to surprise our guests by dancing the "Tango" as our first dance. I chose it just because it's so sexy and beautiful... not because it's actually in our blood or anything. That will be fun. We were going to leave in a carriage, but that didn't work out, so instead our getaway care will be an antique Rolls Royce (sp?).
Sigh. Just pray for us...
Labels: d/d, d/s, wedding plans