The side of my life that grows and changes with my interests and discoveries pertaining to the D/d and D/s world, with respect to my spiritual convictions/sensibilites. (This page is best viewed in Mozilla Firefox)

My allergies finally got the best of me this week, at least that's what I'd like to think it was... Either way, I've come down with some sort of sinus-dripping-coughing-snotty-feverish-headachy-nasty cold and it's really starting to irritate me. Rico keeps telling me to take it easy - but I'm finding that extremely difficult to do. Sometimes things just have to be done. I guess our definitions of "what just HAS to be done" differs... *weg* I've managed to stay out of real trouble though. Guess the fact that this cold is lingering is punishment enough in itself ... *siiiigghhhhh*

We've managed to communicate pretty well lately... last night we finally got to talk a good long time and really lay our hearts out.
He's noticed that I've been trying hard to work on my attitude when he's irritable or things aren't going very well.
I suppose I've really been thinking hard about just how much I trust him... and about that last little bit of control I just can't seem to give up. I want to... I really do.


LOL I overheard a part of conversation between my second youngest brother (B2) and his girlfriend (Gf) the other day... it blew my mind. I now firmly believe that spanko-ism runs in the genes:

B2: I'm getting eaten alive by the bugs out here...
Gf: Well, when we get off the phone you're going straight in the house.
B2: Well Yes, Mam! What if I don't?
Gf: Hmmm... *giggle*
B2: Are you going to spank me...? *pause* Please??
Gf: *laugh* Maybe...
B2: Please? At least a slap on the hand? How about that?
Gf: *more laughing and another "hmmm"*
B2: OK ok... I'll go in the house.


Alright so things haven't been going too wonderfully lately. We've been arguing a lot... this last week has held many long nights full of words.

And I'm tired... I despise fighting and arguing with everything within me. With everyone else I try my darndest to avoid conflict, but it's just inescapable inside a close relationship.

I want so badly to follow his rules.., to make him happy; sometimes I just get so scared. Deep down inside I need to submit, but why is it so hard? Lately I've found myself choking at simply saying "Sir." He frustrates me more, and it's like he doesn't care as much as he used to - but I know in my heart that he does with everything within him. It doesn't help that we don't see each other every day. The vast amount of miscommunication we've been having hasn't helped much either.

Like today. We've talked in the past, more than once, about what to do if I start saying or doing things in public that he deems disrespectful, just doesn't like, are rude, etc, and wants me to stop... apparently we both have short term memory.

Well, I had a plate of food and a drink and had gone out to sit on the porch with some friends. I set a chair up next to the railing so that I could use it as a sort of table. Since he was somewhere in the house doing something or another, it didn't even cross my mind to sit to where I could be on his right or directly facing him (one of our rules).
So, he comes outside and instead of sitting in front of me next to the railing, he sits off in one of the chairs to my far right tells me to get up and go over there. I didn't want to because that meant picking up my plate, glass, and chair after I'd gotten all situated, but I did it. However, I pushed my chair kinda hard and it flipped over. He thought I was throwing a fit (which I didn't realize till later) and so he frowned at me and asked me what my problem was. I said, "Not a thing," or something to that effect pretty sarcastically even though I wasn't really mad.

I continued eating and chatting, then he started being smart alec about some things. So I joined in. Then all of a sudden, he told me seriously, "Stop being smart alec." in front of all those people... after he was being just as smart alec? I thought we were just joking? So I stared at him and asked, "Why? You were just doing the same thing?" And he told me to stop it again and started glaring at me. I was pretty confused, but I stopped and tried to change the subject and move on. Unfortunately, he thought I was blowing him off. Not long after, he left.

Come to find out, he was just trying to stop the joking before it became disrespectful and he didn't mean to publically humiliate me. And when he asked me to move, he didn't think there was room for him to sit between me and the next person sitting along the rail.

*sigh* So you see... miscommunication. There are a few more details, but I didn't want to bore y'all to death. It took a couple hours for us to straighten that all out. By the time we talked, I was pretty upset. The fear that if I "let" him he'll be my dad all over again started creeping in. I was feeling like he was being lazy and pushy with the chair thing, double minded and cruel with the public reprimand, and uncaring when he left. Little did I know he was feeling a lot of things from his viewpoint as well; especially disrespected. I'm fairly certain it wouldn't have been as big a deal had I not already been dealing with my dad's mood swing over the weekend.

I need to move. I'm almost positive that if Rico and I lived out in the middle of nowhere absolutely alone, we'd get along just fine. LOL.

I'm sure there are other people out there whose pasts hold a lot of weight in how D/s goes for them...or at least it did at one time... and many more who have experienced a roller coaster period influenced by just whatever.
So... if you have tips and opinions on dealing with miscommunication in a D/s light, they're much appreciated.

Would a good sub/slave never question her Master's motives? Perhaps if I never did that, or if I went straight to him with my concerns instead of assuming things, we'd avoid a lot of arguments.

Some people are turned off and get all queasy over bruises, harsh welts, and especially things like blood blisters, slight cuts, etc. But Rico and I... lol, let's just say, it's a good thing I'm OK with all that because Rico feels the need to leave "his marks" on me almost every time he sees me. When I see the purply-blue-yellowish bruises surfacing on my butt and thighs, I just smile. I'm proud of those marks... They were put there by my man.., my Sir.., my Master.

What is it with feeling the need to mark what is your own? And why does "your own" feel SO special to be marked? I'm sure all of you went through that stage in childhood where you wrote your name on everything; and how many times have you decorated something that's belonged to you? Have you ever recieved or given a hickey? How about a ring or another type of jewlery? All of those were different marks... They created a sense of belonging, ownership, acceptance, connection...

My butt may be all the colors of the rainbow and then some, but I'm loving every moment of it because I know how loved I am.

Use a drumstick to get marks quickly and without very much force. Hmph.


When you're in a heated discussion with your significant other and every single time you constantly battle thoughts like: "I'm such a screw up," "He thinks I'm an absolute emotional wreck," "I can't ever do anything right," "He doesn't really care, he's just saying that so he doesn't lose me," "He's twisting everything I'm saying," "This will just lead to ___ and ___ in the future," "He's going to be just like ___ was..," "He's being hypocritical and double-minded."

... you know you've got some baggage inside. It happens to me every time...and worse. And not a single bit of it is true. But it's what's been drilled into my head my whole, entire life. Finally, I'm coming to terms with it.

It's rather humbling to admit that you really do have problems. I never wanted to say it... It seemed selfish and irresponsible to blame my issues on anyone, or anything, except myself and the things I have done. So many times I have watched people use their pasts as a crutch for their present; an excuse for their actions and their biting tongues. That's not the type of person I want to be - I believe that everyone should take full responsibility for who they are in word and deed.

But when you can't understand why you feel the way you do sometimes, and why things get so horribly confused and painful... it's sort of free-ing to your tortured mind to think, "These automatic thoughts and actions are results of my past...and they will go away with time and effort."

A lot of times Rico's words and actions will get misconstrued between the moment they leave him and the instant they reach me. My head flashes back, my sensitivities highten, I see resemblences in what's being done, or said, and I immediately merge the present with the past. It's horrible. Something inside me just absolutely panics, and I become terrified of being broken to pieces. I throw up every sort of defense you can possibly imagine.

I'm not sure I would ever advise anyone who's had a physically abusive or mentally abusive past to get into a D/s relationship... It's so hard sometimes. But then again, it's helping me to get past it all and the positives soooooo outweigh the negatives. I guess it would have to be a case by case determination.

Trust. Clear communication. Unconditional love. Those are the vitals...without those, D/s couldn't survive.


It's difficult to find the words to express something like this. Sure I could be blunt, but I could also be much more detailed and descriptive. However, being too frank could cause confusion and easily portray something I'm not trying to present, and being too descriptive could give away information I'm not comfortable with revealing.

I hate putting my dad in a bad light. It's slanderous and paints a picture of him I don't want people seeing. But then I think, facts are facts... and it's not like you all will ever meet him to even feel awkward because of what I've said here.
So, I don't know... I think I overthink things. Actually, I know I do. And I know why. But we won't go there... let's just say, it's another one of those defense mechanisms my mind throws up to deflect accidentally saying the wrong thing in the wrong way.

I know that was more like rambling, but maybe it will help me sort things out better for the future.

Ever since we started this, so many walls have come down. I used to be able to go through day to day life without really getting upset and hurt. But it was only because I had a cabillion and two walls thrown up to protect myself. Now it feels like Rico has helped me to slowly tear them all down and what's left is this very sensitive, very vulnerable part of me. And I'm not so sure that's a good thing...

Yet, if I weren't that way, would I be able to be as open with him? Would I still feel like I could tell him anything or would I stop telling him everything in order to protect my own feelings? I suppose the real question is: "Is it worth the hurt, the sensitivity, and the vulnerability to experience the freedom of total submission and nothing ever hidden inside?" I think so.

Sometimes it seems as every good thing has its own bad counterpart. I think that's how love is. When you love on a surface level, you feel on a surface level and can only be hurt to a certain point. But when you love with everything inside you, then you're able to feel with your entire being, and hurt extremely deeply.


I'm writing a story that I plan to post soon... and I'm writing one focused on how I became a spanko. I'd thought about it so much, and could never keep my mind from drifting off with me and confusing everything until I read a post by SNN. Suddenly, everything sort of "clicked" and I'm just trying to put it into words now. I'm also trying to write something on past mental and emotional abuse and how it can effect a Ds and/or Dd relationship.

EDITED (scroll down).

This has made me so sick to my stomach - it's so hard to believe it's real.

2 Teens Charged in Attack at Texas Party

I want to point out a couple things - apparently there had to be witnesses for the press to know what "epithets" were shouted during the attack (which has been stated in every account I've read). AND IF there were freaking witnesses, someone please, for HEAVEN'S SAKE, explain to me why this kid wasn't found any sooner than TWELVE HOURS LATER?! OR WHY IN GOD'S NAME nobody did a THING about it what was happening!??! The boy's age changes from story to story - so there's no telling what his real age is. I have read everywhere from 15 to 17-years-old. I have also read that the pipe was broken off to a sharp point on one end, and that the beating occured out in the yard behind the house.

And it gets worse:

Hispanic Beaten at Party Also Burned


I'm not sure why this is on my heart so heavily... I've always been able to shake off and put horror stories out of my mind - true and false. This one is sticking though and I'm not sure what to do but pray. So please ... pray with me.

I'm sorry [or maybe NOT], but if it were up to me there would be two less wannabe-murderers in this world.


A [partial] comment from reader, "Chevaliersg":

"In the history of Texas there are many such incidents as these. Yes, there are many stories of such abuse.

I'm sorry to see and to say that things aren't getting any better. The law may "clamp down" and have "zeron tolerance" for such acts but the law can only go so far.

Such prejudice and the sense of entitlement that comes with it to do violence is taught, nurtured, and instilled in the young. Nurture or Nature, it makes no difference if parents are not willing to teach tolerance and respect.

Years ago, Texas had a "cause celebre" case of the Hannigan Brothers (Texas brothers who were the heirs to the Dairy Queen fortune) who tortured, maimed, and left for dead several Mexicans who'd crossed the border illegally.

After nearly two years of trying to prosecute them the brothers went before a court and were charged with "malicious mischief". There sentence? A 100,00 dollar fine and time served.

I'd though this would be the only incident of such cruelty, but I see it still goes on.

As long as one race thinks itself above another, as long as man practices inhumanity to man it will go on.

Teach your children well. Show them that this cannot be tolerated or acceptable.

Eliminate these two murderers and you have dozens, hundreds, maybe even thousands more waiting in the wings.

Kill the idea, and they will have no followers to take their place."


"If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” you do well; but if you show partiality, you commit sin..," - James 2:8-9a

"I charge you before God and the Lord Jesus Christ and the elect angels that you observe these things without prejudice, doing nothing with partiality." 1 Timothy 5:21

"But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy." -James 3:17

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