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The D/s Roller Coaster

Published Monday, May 22, 2006 by rivka | E-mail this post

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Alright so things haven't been going too wonderfully lately. We've been arguing a lot... this last week has held many long nights full of words.

And I'm tired... I despise fighting and arguing with everything within me. With everyone else I try my darndest to avoid conflict, but it's just inescapable inside a close relationship.

I want so badly to follow his rules.., to make him happy; sometimes I just get so scared. Deep down inside I need to submit, but why is it so hard? Lately I've found myself choking at simply saying "Sir." He frustrates me more, and it's like he doesn't care as much as he used to - but I know in my heart that he does with everything within him. It doesn't help that we don't see each other every day. The vast amount of miscommunication we've been having hasn't helped much either.

Like today. We've talked in the past, more than once, about what to do if I start saying or doing things in public that he deems disrespectful, just doesn't like, are rude, etc, and wants me to stop... apparently we both have short term memory.

Well, I had a plate of food and a drink and had gone out to sit on the porch with some friends. I set a chair up next to the railing so that I could use it as a sort of table. Since he was somewhere in the house doing something or another, it didn't even cross my mind to sit to where I could be on his right or directly facing him (one of our rules).
So, he comes outside and instead of sitting in front of me next to the railing, he sits off in one of the chairs to my far right tells me to get up and go over there. I didn't want to because that meant picking up my plate, glass, and chair after I'd gotten all situated, but I did it. However, I pushed my chair kinda hard and it flipped over. He thought I was throwing a fit (which I didn't realize till later) and so he frowned at me and asked me what my problem was. I said, "Not a thing," or something to that effect pretty sarcastically even though I wasn't really mad.

I continued eating and chatting, then he started being smart alec about some things. So I joined in. Then all of a sudden, he told me seriously, "Stop being smart alec." in front of all those people... after he was being just as smart alec? I thought we were just joking? So I stared at him and asked, "Why? You were just doing the same thing?" And he told me to stop it again and started glaring at me. I was pretty confused, but I stopped and tried to change the subject and move on. Unfortunately, he thought I was blowing him off. Not long after, he left.

Come to find out, he was just trying to stop the joking before it became disrespectful and he didn't mean to publically humiliate me. And when he asked me to move, he didn't think there was room for him to sit between me and the next person sitting along the rail.

*sigh* So you see... miscommunication. There are a few more details, but I didn't want to bore y'all to death. It took a couple hours for us to straighten that all out. By the time we talked, I was pretty upset. The fear that if I "let" him he'll be my dad all over again started creeping in. I was feeling like he was being lazy and pushy with the chair thing, double minded and cruel with the public reprimand, and uncaring when he left. Little did I know he was feeling a lot of things from his viewpoint as well; especially disrespected. I'm fairly certain it wouldn't have been as big a deal had I not already been dealing with my dad's mood swing over the weekend.

I need to move. I'm almost positive that if Rico and I lived out in the middle of nowhere absolutely alone, we'd get along just fine. LOL.

I'm sure there are other people out there whose pasts hold a lot of weight in how D/s goes for them...or at least it did at one time... and many more who have experienced a roller coaster period influenced by just whatever.
So... if you have tips and opinions on dealing with miscommunication in a D/s light, they're much appreciated.

Would a good sub/slave never question her Master's motives? Perhaps if I never did that, or if I went straight to him with my concerns instead of assuming things, we'd avoid a lot of arguments.

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About me

  • Intro (with up-to-date edits)

    • In Dreams

    "And in dreams I am free
    falling into what is not;
    what will be what is.

    It's this intense hatred
    for reality twisted
    in an obsession of hope

    Defy the stagnant
    life that speaks only
    what can be but wills not.

    God's grace,
    not my self fear
    of what I think I cannot be."

    -rivka

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