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Past mental abuse and D/s..

Published Monday, May 08, 2006 by rivka | E-mail this post

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When you're in a heated discussion with your significant other and every single time you constantly battle thoughts like: "I'm such a screw up," "He thinks I'm an absolute emotional wreck," "I can't ever do anything right," "He doesn't really care, he's just saying that so he doesn't lose me," "He's twisting everything I'm saying," "This will just lead to ___ and ___ in the future," "He's going to be just like ___ was..," "He's being hypocritical and double-minded."

... you know you've got some baggage inside. It happens to me every time...and worse. And not a single bit of it is true. But it's what's been drilled into my head my whole, entire life. Finally, I'm coming to terms with it.

It's rather humbling to admit that you really do have problems. I never wanted to say it... It seemed selfish and irresponsible to blame my issues on anyone, or anything, except myself and the things I have done. So many times I have watched people use their pasts as a crutch for their present; an excuse for their actions and their biting tongues. That's not the type of person I want to be - I believe that everyone should take full responsibility for who they are in word and deed.

But when you can't understand why you feel the way you do sometimes, and why things get so horribly confused and painful... it's sort of free-ing to your tortured mind to think, "These automatic thoughts and actions are results of my past...and they will go away with time and effort."

A lot of times Rico's words and actions will get misconstrued between the moment they leave him and the instant they reach me. My head flashes back, my sensitivities highten, I see resemblences in what's being done, or said, and I immediately merge the present with the past. It's horrible. Something inside me just absolutely panics, and I become terrified of being broken to pieces. I throw up every sort of defense you can possibly imagine.

I'm not sure I would ever advise anyone who's had a physically abusive or mentally abusive past to get into a D/s relationship... It's so hard sometimes. But then again, it's helping me to get past it all and the positives soooooo outweigh the negatives. I guess it would have to be a case by case determination.

Trust. Clear communication. Unconditional love. Those are the vitals...without those, D/s couldn't survive.

~~~

It's difficult to find the words to express something like this. Sure I could be blunt, but I could also be much more detailed and descriptive. However, being too frank could cause confusion and easily portray something I'm not trying to present, and being too descriptive could give away information I'm not comfortable with revealing.

I hate putting my dad in a bad light. It's slanderous and paints a picture of him I don't want people seeing. But then I think, facts are facts... and it's not like you all will ever meet him to even feel awkward because of what I've said here.
So, I don't know... I think I overthink things. Actually, I know I do. And I know why. But we won't go there... let's just say, it's another one of those defense mechanisms my mind throws up to deflect accidentally saying the wrong thing in the wrong way.
Anyway...

I know that was more like rambling, but maybe it will help me sort things out better for the future.

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About me

  • Intro (with up-to-date edits)

    • In Dreams

    "And in dreams I am free
    falling into what is not;
    what will be what is.

    It's this intense hatred
    for reality twisted
    in an obsession of hope

    Defy the stagnant
    life that speaks only
    what can be but wills not.

    God's grace,
    not my self fear
    of what I think I cannot be."

    -rivka

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