The side of my life that grows and changes with my interests and discoveries pertaining to the D/d and D/s world, with respect to my spiritual convictions/sensibilites. (This page is best viewed in Mozilla Firefox)

SNN tagged me like a week ago... and I'm finally getting around to doing it! Sorry about that - so here goes:

20 years ago I...
1. Wasn't alive - oops, bet some of you were surprised by that one.

10 years ago I...
1. Was carefree.
2. Was a complete TomBoy.
3. Fell out of a tree and fractured both my wrists, but never went to a hospital or even told my dad.

5 years ago I...
1. Was addicted to the internet (some things never change, lol).
2. Learned to play guitar.
3. Fought off suicidal thoughts and hatred.

3 years ago I...
1. Was an emotional wreck.
2. Didn't have very many friends.
3. Re-dedicated my life to Jesus.

1 year ago I...
1. Was just about to tell Rico about D/d ... *g*.
2. Dealt with my dad's severe mood swings.
3. Realized that I had a lot of emotional problems I needed to work through.

So far this past year I...
1. Have fallen more and more in love with Rico as we delve deeper into D/d and D/s.
2. Started my own blog.
3. Decided that full-time college is not for me

Yesterday I...
1. Started a new painting
2. Went into the city (I despise traffic) and picked up some incredible potato wedges on the way home.
3. Got to see Paul and spend some time with him.

Today I...
1. Worked some more on that painting.
2. Got irritated at my Dad because he's having one of those mood swings.
3. Laid down because my back is killing me.

Tomorrow I will...
1. Probably work some more on this painting.
2. Avoid doing anything strenuous.
3. Talk to Paul and maybe see him for dinner with his family.

In the next year I will...
1. Get much better at painting and photography.
2. Become a better submissive to Rico.
3. Hopefully (everybody pray!) get married!

In the next minute I will tag...
1. Everybody because I don't feel like tagging anyone specific. *g*

OK... this kind of stuff is just funny to me: News Story

I thought I was back, but had unexpected visitors over the weekend. Sorry about that. Maybe my goal should be a post a week? LOL. Anyway... I've been doing a lot of thinking about rituals and protocols for a while now. If you've been reading my blog, you've probably seen a couple posts about that sort of thing already. Obviously, the topic really interests me.

A few weeks ago I got around to watching the movie "Memoirs of a Geisha." The movie itself was pretty good; still slightly adrift from the real thing. Nonetheless, it got me thinking about rituals again. To me, the art of the Geisha is beautiful. They trained for months...years... to learn the music, dance, song, makeup, dress, walk, and talk of the Geisha - women trained from girlhood to professionally entertain social gatherings of men. There are, I think, three different levels from the young girl in training to the full blown Geisha. It reminded me of the three "rings" or "collars" sometimes spoken of in D/s, M/s relationships. Actually, the whole ideal reminded me of the training sometimes involved in D/s and M/s relationships.

Although I'm not entirely sure "prostitution" is the word for what the Geisha ultimately does - I don't know all that much about the true Geishas from before the 1950's-60's - I will go ahead and say that I don't condone prostitution here and never will. I'm speaking strictly of the rituals and mindset behind the training and becoming of the Geisha.

To do something perfectly, beautifully, repetitively...fascinates me. No, I probably won't be performing a tea ritual for Rico in this lifetime, but maybe we could come up with other things that hold the same mindset behind them? The things that are pleasing to him. He does like "dancing" - not necessarily the Geisha dance - so I could perfect that in a way that he likes. And *ahem* other things... *weg* But not till after marriage, of course.


Lately I've been dealing with idle thoughts. What are idle thoughts? Those that play over and over in your head until they become way more than reality. Until your imagination takes them from reality, to make believe, and then to a false reality. That's when you blow up.

Or at least, that's what happens to me... I let the little things get to me. I let them build up and multiply until - in my mind - they are HUGE problems. It's sad really; because, I can see it happening and feel completely powerless to stop it all. It causes fights. It causes doubt. It causes every horrible thing imaginable all because I dwell on things I shouldn't dwell on.

So, from now on, I will try my hardest to think on "these things:"

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things" - Philippians 4:8

OK, I'm back! How was everyone's Easter?

I can't say as much for the week before it, or yesterday, but Easter Sunday itself was great. Rico and I spent the whole day together and really had a good time. He gave me a dozen roses, diamond earrings, and an anklet inscribed "rivka{R}". Needless to say, I was a pile of mush. There I was expecting Hershey's and Gummi Worms - I was shocked!

In case you don't know what the inscription stands for, it's an online (I've mainly seen it used on forums) way of saying that the person before the brackets is the slave or sub of the person initialed inside the brackets. Since no one in our r.l. has a clue about all that, it was perfect for us.

For some of you who have emailed me, I am so sorry I've not gotten back to you yet. I will...soon!

And C, in your comment you asked "What's the difference between D/d and D/s? Is there a difference?" There's two answers: the simple, and the complicated. I've written before about how I really despise labels and defining who people are and what exactly it is they do in this lifestyle, but I realize that there has to be some kinds of general definitions to offer a basic idea to others.

The simple answer is that D/d is Domestic Discipline - the incorporation of corporal punishment as a consequence to wrong actions; generally with the male partner being HOH, or, Head of Household.

And, D/s is Domination/Submission - when one partner is the Dominant and the other submits to his/her desires and pleasures on different levels depending on the individual couple.

Since the complicated answer is, well, complicated... I'm going to just summarize some of my thoughts. Also, different people think different things... so my idea of what things are and aren't, is not going to be the same as other peoples'.

D/s and D/d (in the definitions written in the "simple answer") can obviously mix if a "D/s couple" wants corporal punishment. And it can go the other way around if a "D/d couple" is into a deeper Dominant/submissive relationship than just the basic "he gets the last say" that seems to go with the HOH ideal. In my opinion, most people who consider themselves just D/d are the ones who slink from the idea of BDSM while those who are playing with the idea of D/s are more likely to be into the kinks that are relative to BDSM.

Then, of course, there are those that are strictly into spanking. No D/d, definitely no D/s, and no way on God's green earth BDSM.

And all the mixes..: D/s with lots of BDSM, D/s with D/d and BDSM, just spanking with some D/d, etc, etc....

*sighs* See? Complicated...

I'm starting to feel not-so-good so I'm going to go ahead and lay down now, but maybe I'll come back to all this in the future. Good question! =) I like when people ask me things, it gives me post material - lol.

Oh, and I found out today that
my blog is worth over $10,000! *g* In fantasy money that is... but still cool.

I like predictability. Now, don't get me wrong, I love surprises and spontaneity, but I like a sense of security as well. In the case of D/d and D/s, predictability and consistency go hand in hand. When you have thorough consistency [the ability to rely on successive results], then you automatically have predictability. Let me explain:

He was walking around me, teasing me with those deep eyes, swatting me every now and then with this plastic bat he found lying on the carport (can I just stung?!). It was all in fun, and in all honesty, I was thoroughly enjoying myself... but I sure wanted to get a hold of it and give him a taste of his own medicine. The feeling was something like his belt. It stung, but had enough thud behind it to leave a nice burn. When I tried to steal it away, those deep eyes slit down and a menacing frown would warn me of success's consequences. I couldn't do it anyway - he's way bigger and stronger than me.

But then he put it down and had to walk away! AHA! My PERFECT chance.

"Don't you touch that bat, Little Girl. You hear me?"

Darn it. I looked up at him and smiled impishly.

"I'm serious, Rivka - you touch it and I take my belt off and whip your butt right here in front of all these people." There was a touch of play in his eyes, but suddenly there was just enough seriousness for me to realize that it wasn't a just a game anymore.

He must've thought I was going to test him because he started taking off his belt's accessories (phone clip, knife clip, etc). I looked around and sure enough, there were about four other people in sight. Hmph.

Content that I wasn't going to head for the implement right then, he walked away to do whatever it was he had to. I watched for him to disappear behind the corner, and then I walked purposefully towards the bat he'd laid against a door jamb. And then I stopped. A streak of panic struck my heart, and sanity took over. I turned around and left the bat right where it was.

And there he was, "Did you touch it?"

I shook my head vigorously, noting his hands perched precariously on his belt buckle, "No Sir."


I nodded equally as sincere, "Yes Sir."

A smile split across his face and he moved his hands away from that horribly threatening position, "Good girl..." And he kissed my forehead.

Predictability. I knew that if I touched it, my butt was toast - a zillion people or not. Had that exact incident happened before? No. But I'd heard that tone before, and he's become painfully perfect at keeping his word when it involves such a threat. I could tell that the game had turned into a test of my obedience, and I knew the consequences should I fail.

For some reason, that scenario stuck in my head for days and really made me think. I like the security of knowing that Rico has placed boundaries in my life, that I asked for, that he really won't let me cross without penalties.

Have we "
arrived"... of course not. But this is a huge step, I think. His consistency, my allowing him to be consistent, has pushed us both to a place where I can truly trust that he's going to be there with a firm hand when I need the help, and he can truly trust that the help I need is truly a necessity - not a game I'm playing with his head.

I wasn't going to post about this... but I feel like I ought to just to help my own peace of mind, albeit slightly late. It won't be long and I'll go write that "decent" post I've been meaning to forever now, but it'll be enough.

Yes, I'm new... to all of you. But I've lurked the D/d and D/s world for years; mainly the forums. And that's where I met the persona I knew as Patty. Since I was just a lurker, I didn't have much personal contact with anyone. I just read my heart out. The reason this whole ordeal with Patty upset me is because I believed it all... I definitely don't claim to have "known" something was "off" the whole time. The very closest I ever came to any kind of doubt was thinking to myself how incredible a marriage she had, and how insecure she could be at times (but I'd remind myself that I've been in the depths of insecurity so many times myself).

I've noticed that on a lot of blogs where people are talking about this, they only know what they have read on Patty's blog. Well, I'll go ahead and explain that although a lot of people are feeling hurt from that site alone, there's a lot of history elsewhere that pertains to the hurt others are feeling.

Over time, she racked up quite a lot of bouts with people in which she would take extreme offense and lash out in various different ways. Yet her insights to this kink, and other things, were very informative and inspirational; keeping her "reality" safe from critical inspection. I watched good, well-meaning people, become ostracized time and again due to slight remarks that Patty twisted around to mean ill will, rudeness, etc. Maybe I feel guilty for standing by? Believing the lies? Continuing to feel for her - even now?

I don't hate her, and I'm not bitter. It upset me for a while, but excepting some inklings of guilt, I'm over that as well. However, I can't sympathize. I'm not a genius, and don't claim any knowledge of psychology, but I believe that her problems are fed by attention. One thing I do know is that people sometimes have to reach rock bottom before they can truly begin to change. Though I won't sympathize with her, I have compassion for her. Does that make sense to you? I will pray for her and hope that her life becomes a normal one, but I can't encourage self-pity. *blinks* Hope nobody gets pissed at me for that; just trying to word what I actually feel.

She's removed from my list of blogs I like to read for now... despite the fact that I will probably keep reading from time to time out of a strange fascination with where things are going there.

These two posts: Okay, I've had it!, and On trust, vulnerability and ethics by Bliatz (who I've added to my blog list) are very good.


It takes good memory to keep up a lie.

Pierre Corneille (1606–1684)

I am a villain. Yet I lie, I am not.

Fool, of thyself speak well. Fool, do not flatter.

My conscience hath a thousand several tongues,

And every tongue brings in a several tale,

And every tale condemns me for a villain.

Perjury, perjury, in the highest degree,

Murder, stern murder, in the direst degree,

All several sins, all used in each degree,

Throng to the bar, crying all, “Guilty! Guilty!”

I shall despair. There is no creature loves me,

And if I die no soul will pity me.

And wherefore should they, since that I myself

Find in myself no pity to myself?

William Shakespeare (1564–1616)

Like one

Who having into truth, by telling of it,

Made such a sinner of his memory,

To credit his own lie.
William Shakespeare (1564–1616)

I'll try to write something at least halfway decent tomorrow... A lot of crap has been going on. My dad went psycho these past couple days, and apparently someone I thought was an incredible inspiration and bases for a whole lot of the D/d world as I perceived it... is a fake. So, I can't think right now, and I'm upset.

Sorry about this.

The past couple weeks have been a "low" for Rico and I. I've been sort of stressed with home stuff, and busy with work this week, and the week before, Rico messed up his ankle really bad - tore up some tendons and ligaments. At first, as you can imagine, the pain and medication made his aggravation level go out of this world. It wasn't fun. D/s sort of got dropped for a while... mostly unconsciously. I was letting some things really get to me and our relationship became "detached."

So we attempted to reconnect. At the time, I believe it worked out great; however, I'm starting to feel things slip again...mainly because he and I have been extremely busy the last two days and will be the rest of this weekend as well.

Anyway, a few smacks with a switch, and a couple heavier-than-usual commands that are normally punishments, but for this occasion they were used for reconnection and [his] pleasure purposes, served the purpose. Then, three days ago, he made me put on "nipple clips" for the first time. I did it to myself in private; the first time for as long as I thought I could take it (which wound up being about four minutes), the second time ten minutes, and the third time for five. Yeah... those big, heavy-duty clothes pins most definitely got my attention.

I'm also starting to realize that the ability to imagine and then make/create lots of different things will be my demise. I already have plans for several different implements and a couple other D/s type items. The other night, in a moment of lost sanity, I recommended I wear some sort of clip or uncomfortable accessory somewheres all day to remind me of the mindset I'm supposed to be in. Well, ahem, it doesn't take a genius to figure out the most uncomfortable and sensitive place to put that sort of thing, so of course Rico chose that area fairly quickly. Then me, still at a loss for brains, came up with an idea for how to make such a clip/accessory out of some jewelry wire I have in my desk. I'm telling you, some BDSM toy supplier should hire me to come up with this crap. I don't think I've ever run across something buyable that would've created the effects this little homemade wire thingy did. *weg* Maybe I'll post a picture of it one day (no not actually in use...).

On a different note, have I mentioned lately that I can't wait to be married? I watched Pride and Prejudice last night and realized just how incredibly much the basics of society have changed over the last century. Hmph.

About me

  • Intro (with up-to-date edits)
  • In Dreams

    "And in dreams I am free
    falling into what is not;
    what will be what is.

    It's this intense hatred
    for reality twisted
    in an obsession of hope

    Defy the stagnant
    life that speaks only
    what can be but wills not.

    God's grace,
    not my self fear
    of what I think I cannot be."


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