The side of my life that grows and changes with my interests and discoveries pertaining to the D/d and D/s world, with respect to my spiritual convictions/sensibilites. (This page is best viewed in Mozilla Firefox)



I'm not the kind of person who cries for very many reasons. More the past year than ever before, but still not very much. When I do cry, it is a big release for me because I have such a bad problem with keeping things pent up. And once it starts, it's hard to stop it. I believe that my being able to cry more this year has a whole lot to do with having D/d and D/s implemented in my life. Walls have had to come down from around my heart, and I've had to become a lot more open. Some of it was forced, some of it voluntary, but all of it has been for the better.

Yet, I haven't cried from a spanking or a punishment. Not that I've had that much experience in the spanking department.., but still. I'd like to. It seems like as the days go by I crave more and more that scenario. Being spanked to tears, being scolded to tears.., etc. Sure, it's a common fantasy, but that doesn't change the fact that I can't wait to fulfill it. When I'm feeling guilty is when it's the worst.

Tonight I really wanted to cry.., err... be made to cry. My butt is pretty sore still from the self-spanking, but Rico decided I needed more because, yet again, I forgot a rule today. I was pretty upset at myself for that, so I willingly accepted his judgement. While he was able to be here, he used a sturdy, plastic ruler, aimed right at my sit-spots where the most damage was done during my self-spanking. It really stung the heck out of me, but I stayed very still and let him do what he had to with the time we had. Even though I was standing still on my own, eventually he told me not to move at all, and that was harder than I thought it would be. Somehow, though, I grit my teeth and it happened. He was going to try using his belt, but didn't really have time so was only able to get a couple good strokes in. Once he was home, he called and had me put clips on my nipples (remember..: heavy-duty clothes pins) for twenty minutes. Ow. And even after all that, I still wished that he could have been there to spank me until I cried. The guilt was still there. Besides time and tears, I can't think of another way to get rid of it.


I try to categorize my misdeeds and the problems I'm working on into three things (that I'm sure nearly all of you have heard of): Disobedience, Dishonesty, or Disrespect. Which one does memory go into? Either disobedience or disrespect I suppose... Since Rico has asked me to do the things I forget, it's disobedience when I fail. However, by not prioritizing his will above other things, it's also a form of disrespect. Lol, it's a good thing all that doesn't really matter, huh? Too many people get caught up in words, I believe, and it bogs things down to chaos. Susie A wrote a good post on just that: The "Contract" and Other Thoughts.


I know I've posted about self-spanking before somewhere on here. It's not too fun; but, things get a to a point where alternative discipline is the only option, I suppose, and that's one of ours. Errr, Rico's...

I hadn't really done anything too bad... Memory problems mainly, lol. I just have to have the worst memory ever! Anyway. Rico decided he'd had enough of all that, and wanted to give me a little "motivation" to prioritize things better in my mind. On top of that, he's been getting onto me about some of the clothes I wear. I'm not a very immodest person at all when it comes to how I dress, but sometimes I suppose I'm a bit careless, and Rico doesn't like it one bit.

Since neither of my misdemeanors were deliberate, the tone Rico took, when it came time for my punishment, wasn't a cruel or mean one. And maybe it was just in my head, but I think I sensed a lot of play there too? *weg*

The "implements" he sent me for were: the infamous drumstick, my plastic hairbrush, and a needle[!!!].

"Do you have everything?" He asked me gently.
"Yes Sir..." By this time I was starting to really get nervous and shaky. I was absolutely dreading that wretched drumstick, and that needle... *shivers*
"Alright, pull down your pants and panties, and get in position." He paused for a moment while I did all that. "OK. I want you to start with the hairbrush. Spank your cheeks hard enough to hurt, back and forth, staying in the same spot, until I tell you to stop."
"Yes Sir..." *DEEP breath* and... SMACK. Yeouch!! The first blow is always the shocker. After a few minutes, I got into a rythm and even when a really ouchie lick would happen, I'd still push on and deliver the next one. Over the phone Rico could hear perfectly well. I don't know how long this first part lasted, but I lost count of the strokes. When he finally spoke again, my cheeks were tingling and starting to burn pretty good.

"Alright, now take the needle and poke the tender part of your thighs, just under your butt. Press hard and try to make it go through that very first layer of skin. Twenty on each side."
*whimper...* "Yes Sir..."
And so I did. Every now and then, MAN, that sonofagun would really hit a nerve and hurt a lot more than I thought it would. There were only a few times where I felt the slight give as the point stabbed through the surface skin.

"OK I'm done." I said quickly with a sigh of relief.
"Now get the drumstick and spank that same spot - right where your thighs meet your butt. You can move only slightly, but try to stay pretty consistent. Do it hard, and don't stop till I tell you to."
Another deep, shaky breath, "Yes Sir."
SWISH POP! OW, ow... ow, ow, ow... Have I mentioned that I hate that stupid drumstick? Dang it that thing hurts. After a while, my whole body was shaking from having to force myself to keep control. Up until this point, I'd been lying on my stomach and spanking myself in a twisted up sort of way. But, as I kept up the spanking with that drumstick, my shoulder started to ache a whole lot. I mentioned it to Rico, but pressed on until that part was over.

Usually when someone beeps in on the other line, it irritates me, but this time I was overjoyed. However, that was short lived when Rico came back. To my shock, he told me to switch back to the hairbrush, but that he'd be leaving for a few minutes and wanted me to continue spanking myself while he was gone and until he came back. WHAT?! It really took me by surprise, and all I could do was say "Yes Sir." What in the world!? I kept thinking... What if he can't get through on these dumb cell phones for some reason? What if something happens and he's gone for longer than he thought he'd be? What if, what if, what if?

I don't know what came over me, but for some reason I actually obeyed... (I know - someone kick me please, lol) I switched to the "diaper" position, and honestly whacked my own butt for the next SEVENTEEN minutes. Did you hear me? SEVENTEEN MINUTES! By the time he called me back, I was drained, exhausted, and my butt had started going numb.

"Did you do what I told you?" He asked me.
"Yes Sir. I only just stopped when you called..."
I think I heard a surprised little "hmm," but that could have been in my head again. *g*
"I'm proud of you, my slave."
That made everything worth it right there... and then the break was over.
"Alright, Sweetheart, get the needle again and do the inside of your thighs and inbetween your legs, up and down, the same as last time, until I say stop." Ugghhh... and so went the next five to ten minutes or so. Those were really hard, and this punishment session was beginning to go past the lengths I'd expected it to. I felt my mindset slipping into a much more submissive one as the minutes passed, though. I heard myself squeaking and whimpering, involuntarily, every now and then. It was crazy to actually think about how I looked and the ridiculousness of me doing it to myself. I tried not to - it definitely took away from the headspace I was finally reaching.

"OK, you can stop."
I let out a huge sigh of relief and almost threw that needle, but decided better of it.
"Now get the drumstick again."
A pitiful, "Yes Sir" from me.
"This time you can spank more on your cheeks, but hit the same spot over and over again. Do it almost as hard as you can, and until I say stop."

The first strike was, once again, SHOCKING. The last time I'd used the drumstick was in the on-my-stomach position. This time, I was in the diaper-position. In case you can't visualize that, it makes things more... complicated. Because the drumstick is a lot longer than the hairbrush, I really had to take a moment to figure things out at first. A couple stray licks were enough to get that through to me. EEEYII!!! Little did I know, those stray licks, under slightly difference circumstances, would become my goal.

Every once and a while, when the only sound was the drumstick punishing my tender flesh, Rico would say something encouraging, or ask a question like, "Will you think about things more from now on? And try harder to remember the rules?" just to keep my head where it should be. Soon, he decided that was enough with the drumstick, but he wanted it to end with significance. So, twenty more, as hard as I could, to each side... and it was finally over. At least, the spanking-on-my-butt part.

"I love you, my slave. I'm very proud of you." Rico said sweetly.
"Thank you, my Master." I replied unsteadily. My body was still shaking as I dropped the drumstick and regrouped.
"Do you have anything that would be stingy and flexible, but not heavy at all?" Uh oh. Where is this going...
"I have one of those bendable rulers." I replied somewhat hesitantly.
"That should work. Alright, now I want you to spank yourself between your legs and on the inside of your thighs fifteen times each. Make it hurt."
Eeeeeeeekkkkkk... Remember how I said the stray licks would become my goal? WWWOOOUUUCH. That was REALLY hard. Rico really had to push me to get that to happen. Just try it one day, you'll totally understand! It took me a while. And once that was over, he had even more in store for me.

"Now spank your tits. Go back and forth, right above and right on your nipples, until I tell you to stop."
You see, I really thought that would be easier than the previous task, however... I found out that my nipples were HIGHLY sensitive to that evil ruler. MY GOSH!! (Of course, the sensitivety probably had to do with the needle and pinching nipples section I accidentally left out of this post)...Rico had to push me through that one too. Thankfully, he didn't have me do it for very long before ending with ten "good" ones.

At last, my punishment came to a close. Insane, maybe, but I felt so much better that he had me do all that instead of continuing to put it all off until we had a real-life chance to deal with things.. I think I even liked it a little... but, that was probably in my head as well. *G*

But do you want the hard times that come with it..?

I can't speak for everyone else, but there have been some rough little stages Rico and I have had to go through adjusting to this lifestyle. I'm sure that our situation doesn't help a whole lot, but the ideal has taken a lot to get used to in itself. However, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Despite the growing pains, the respective roles of D/d and D/s are PERFECT for us... you know how sometimes things just click? It's been a breath of fresh air. A filler for that missing link between us.

Obviously, we had rocky patch there for a little bit... it wasn't fun, but I'm glad it happened because we worked some things out that needed to be worked out. Lots of changing had to take place, but it was all for the better because things are wonderful now. For a while we definitely slacked off the lifestyle, and now we're finally getting back to normal. It's nice... I missed it.

I missed being to his right all the time, asking permission to do different things, seeing the proud look in his eyes when I obey, hearing that "Dom" voice he gets when I push lines, and even his sharp reprimand when I do push them too far.

So to answer that first question to myself, I do and we will make it.


I've been reading about the Shadowlane party, and also on C's Correction about gettogethers and meeting other people like us... and I just can't wait till Rico and I can do all that one day!! It won't be long. =)

Well? I think I like it. Everything is right except for the post font - for some reason, when I save the layout, it saves in this hard to read font... but in the previews it's the font I actully want. So, obviously something is cancelling my script out... and I can't figure out what it is. *GRR* Any suggestions? Lol... Oh, and for those of you who remember my frustration with the link color last time - I finally got it!!!! YAY!

Hope everything's going well for you all. :)

EDIT: Scratch that. This one is doing fine? What in the world...

Ok, I have some time today so I'm gunna go ahead and tell y'all about my second-real-spanking-experience. =)

Rico and I had gone over to a friend's house one night. We'd taken separate vehicles and been there for a while. After a movie, some snacks, and a good 'ole time, we decided we should head on to the house. Now, the house we were at was out in the country, and they had this one little road the V'ed off of the main road and went out into even deeper country where there were hardly any houses. Lots of trees, gravel, and dirt. Well, Rico and I were on the phone with each other as we passed that little road, and all of a sudden I had a plan.

"I think I need a spanking..." I said in an almost-whisper.
"Hmmm... I think you do too. Where can we do it at?"
"You know that little road we just passed?" I asked tentatively.
"Yeah. Go ahead and turn around."

All of a sudden the flock of butterflies hit me. Part of me really didn't think he'd go for it, and was suddenly in shock. The other part got a rush out of the whole idea. So, I turned around at the next driveway.

Up until this point, there had been almost no talking at all. I think he was in some kind of shock too that we were both really going to this little dirt road for a spanking.

"Ready for your spanking, Love?" He asked gently.
"Yes, Sir..."
"Good... This will be a hard one. I think you've been asking for a good reminder, who's who spanking for a few days now."
"*sigh* I know."

And that was about all we could fit in before we'd made it back to that road and turned down there into the darkness. We thought about turning the lights out, but then we thought about all the crazy kids on fourwheelers, and stupid people speeding down these little roads, and decided we didn't want a lawsuit over a spanking, so we left them on. By the time I unbuckled my seatbelt and climbed out of my car, I was starting to shake slightly.

At first, Rico was just going to climb in his truck and I would go right over his lap. But, the main road was behind us and he wanted to be able to see if people were coming. So, I leaned over the driver side seat instead. It was probably better for the atmosphere Rico was trying to establish that I wasn't over his knees at this point. He wanted it pretty serious, and it was easier to get that way bending over the seat.

"I'm going to start off with my hand, and then I'm going to switch to my belt. Alright?"
"Yes Sir." I mumbled back.
I was wearing warm-up type pants, and so he slipped his fingers in the band and pulled them right down. Despite the fact that there were only woods behind me, it was still weird having my butt displayed to the whole world. For a minute he rubbed my goose-bumping behind and lower back. I guess it was pretty obvious how nervous I was. Then the first slap came. It wasn't too bad at first, but as we all know...things build up. Before long, it was stinging pretty bad. But, I wasn't having any problems with staying still. I had a thong on, and it offered no protection whatsoever.

After a while, my knees started shaking badly. I don't know if I'm the only one who does it or not, but when I'm fighting pain, my body will just start shaking like crazy. Anyway... I turned around really quick and asked if he could sit on the edge of the seat and I would bend over one of his knees. He nodded and traded places really quick. I grabbed the door jamb for support, and hauled myself over. Now I was practically on my tip-toes, and could almost touch the ground with my hand. Before, his aim was constrained to the tops of my thighs and cheeky part of my butt, but now the inside of the tops of my thighs, and more of the inside of my cheeks were vulnerable to his aim. UGGGhhhh... somehow his slaps were targeted in the perfect way for his fingers to pop right down on all those sensitive spots. Over and over, and over and over again. After a while of that, other leg muscles started doing the shaky thing and I was about to totally lose my balance. So I stood up and told him, and we switched places again.

This time, I heard him unbuckling his belt. The accessories that had lined it, phone, knife, etc, were then on the seat in front of me, and I heard him pull the belt out of the last couple loops. My whole body shivered and all the goosebumps came back. Once again, he rubbed my butt every-so-gently.

"It's really hot." He murmured, "You ready?"
"Yes Sir" I choked out.

Swish, SMACK. The belt nearly took my breath away. I could feel my butt swell after the first five lashes, and I knew the heat was just radiating off of the surface. I finally began having trouble staying still. I wanted to do good, though, so I tried to limit the movement to just shifting my weight back and forth. It didn't help much. I eventually lost count of the lashes, and had buried my face in the seat cover I gripped for dear life.

"Who am I?" I heard him ask through the smacks. For a moment my mind just raced. It's amazing how they ask things like that in the midst of a serious, very painful spanking, and expect a nice, sane answer.
Well, shockingly, it came to me, "My Master." I said through gritted teeth.
"That's right. I love you."
"I love you too." I gasped, noticing that the belt was falling harder and harder.

Before long, I was quite sure I couldn't take anymore. I couldn't cry, but I sure wanted to, "Please please... that's enough! I can't, I can't!"
I think I repeated that phrase about ten times. I must've started moving around a lot, because Rico put his free arm around my waist, and braced my legs with one of his. My legs were slightly parted in the brace, and I felt the tip of the belt smack the tops of the inside of my thighs several times. I knew I couldn't yell because we were outside, and for some reason I couldn't cry, but I begged my head off.

Finally, Rico answered my cries, "Ten more with the belt, and then I'm going to finish with my hand. Alright?."
I took a deep breath of relief, and realized that my knuckles were bone white from gripping the material so hard, before I answered him, "Yes Sir."
"Ok, don't move."
He let go of my waist and released the bind on my legs. I think it was more to allow for a harder swing than to test my resolve not to move, because after getting harder and harder that whole time, these were by-far the hardest!
The whimpers that escaped were totally unstoppable. When he finally reached ten, I thought the tears would finally come.. but they still didn't. He paused for a minute before going straight to his hand, and tenderly kissed the flaming hot skin he'd just whipped the heck out of. He placed his hands on the sides of my punished cheeks and kissed all over. His wet, cool lips felt ridiculously good.

The hand spanking wasn't nearly as bad as the belt, and I have to admit that it finished things off well. When it was all over with, I stood up and he just held me so close in his arms. He kissed my forehead, my nose, my cheeks, and gently rubbed my bottom with his hand. It felt like it was about ten times it's normal size. Especially when he pulled my warm-ups back up. EESSH. That's when I noticed the hard, leathery feel as well.

Both of us needed to get home, so that was about the end of that encounter, but definitely one to remember for a long, long time. We haven't had another chance for a *REAL* spanking since, and despite how sore and black and blue I was after that, I can't wait for the next one. =)

About me

  • Intro (with up-to-date edits)
  • In Dreams

    "And in dreams I am free
    falling into what is not;
    what will be what is.

    It's this intense hatred
    for reality twisted
    in an obsession of hope

    Defy the stagnant
    life that speaks only
    what can be but wills not.

    God's grace,
    not my self fear
    of what I think I cannot be."


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