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Published Sunday, February 19, 2006 by rivka | E-mail this post

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Failure.

I've noticed that Rico and I have/are moving really, really fast in this lifestyle. Our personal lives are so drastically changed since August 25 of last year that it's quite shocking. That's not even six months yet folks.
Since that day, these are the sort of things that have happened:

1) We began to explore D/d together. At that time, D/s and M/s were entirely different worlds. The idea of discipline being a part of our relationship, however, was appealing. So, little did we know, we gradually began to sift through those worlds.

2) The sexual side of the lifestyles began to become clearer. Suddenly, the idea of Dominance, submission, and discipline being sexy wasn't so crazy after-all.

3) "Power exchange? What's that?" We learned about mindsets and the whole realm of the psychological behind this thing we found fit us so perfectly.

4) Rico began to feel "free" - everything about him began to become more confident. He understood all these underlying feelings he'd had for so many years at this point. When he got "free"... so did I. Submission - this concept I absolutely abhorred before - became a goal.

5) We started reading and learning about D/s and M/s. Labels became a very vague symbol; our lifestyle became one of our very own that was D/s with a very (loving) D/d foundation. M/s was still kind of deep for us, but we didn't totally understand it then either. We were still wrapped up in the stereotypical.

6) M/s became crystal clear. It didn't have to be what others had made it - it could have our own twist and fit our relationship the way we needed it to. Rico's Dominance and my submission were craving a more intense atmosphere; intense D/s bordering on M/s with that same (loving) D/d foundation was the perfect ideal. Talk about your lack of a defined label? Lol!

~~~

All that in less than six months. I'm not sure if you can see with that very un-detailed account of what happened just how major a change both of us have gone through, but it's HUGE!

However, there are side effects for such a quickly paced switch of lifestyles; as I've learned this past weekend. The side effect I'm experiencing is failure. It happens to everybody, sometimes often. But, going so fast, learning so quickly, changing so much, calls for LOTS and LOTS of failing. If I'm not careful how I deal with that - if I don't get back up on my feet right away and brace my heart - I'll nose dive into self pity and condemnation. And if I'm still not careful what I do, everything will build up to an exploding point. It also takes a lot of love and care on Rico's part to guide me through it and be there for me.

It took a lot of encouragement and explaining from Rico for me to get this tonight, but those are the facts. I'm going to mess up; I'm probably going to mess up a lot doing it this way. But it's what I want, it's what he wants, it's what we both really want. So instead of comparing myself to others (which I have a tendency to do), I need to do exactly what I said up there. I can't worry about if I get into more trouble and do things wrong more than so-and-so-over-on-this-forum-or-that-blog.

If I want to truly become a servant, a good submissive - it's going to take some breaking. But I have to handle it right, or failure becomes depression.


~~~

A good submissive doesn't give up, or fall into depression when she fails.

~~~

A good Dom is attentive enough to see His submissive struggling with failure, and is there with whatever type of motivation is needed to get her through.

~~~

|

About me

  • Intro (with up-to-date edits)

    • In Dreams

    "And in dreams I am free
    falling into what is not;
    what will be what is.

    It's this intense hatred
    for reality twisted
    in an obsession of hope

    Defy the stagnant
    life that speaks only
    what can be but wills not.

    God's grace,
    not my self fear
    of what I think I cannot be."

    -rivka



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