The side of my life that grows and changes with my interests and discoveries pertaining to the D/d and D/s world, with respect to my spiritual convictions/sensibilites. (This page is best viewed in Mozilla Firefox)
This was going to have pictures...but blogger is being hardheaded.
A wreck.
~~~
I was torn up inside by the time I was fifteen. Although the idea of D/d and spanking appealed to something deep inside, on the outside I was a full fledged man-hater. Every man that ever meant anything to me had used, abused, and rejected me on several different levels. In fact, I can't tell you how many times I swore I'd never submit to a man, or let one "walk all over me again."
My dad - the perfectionist. Everything I did, from the way I wiped down the table, to the things I wore, to the way I sang, was wrong. I couldn't express my opinion, and I surely couldn't say anything that differed from his point of view. The really bad thing was that he backed most of it up with "scripture", and used God against me. Since I'd loved Jesus and the Bible's teachings from childhood, probably the most hurtful thing he ever told me was that I was a rebellious, demon-child. Of course, by other standards, there were much worse things said - but that cut me the deepest because of where my heart was.
The first four years after the accident were the worst, but then the outbursts begin to lessen. Eventually it got to where the constantly-walking-on-eggshells life I'd lived calmed to normal... except for certain situations where he would snap again.
Internet boyfriend - the teacher. I say teacher because I really learned a lot from him. The experience I had in that relationship left me with a much firmer sense of my own values, at a relatively young age. I realized that it was very important to me that the person I married loved God and believed the same way I do. Being three years older than me, he also taught me not to be so embarrassed and insecure about myself and some of my desires - something the internet alone couldn't do.
But, I also found out that he had a temper...and it scared me to death because of the temper I'd experienced before. He really did love me, but I didn't really love him, and as more differences surfaced - including when I revealed my desire for D/d to him and he absolutely hated the fact - I just cut things off. I regretted it at first, and felt as though I'd really messed something up, but I was soon caught up in a real life situation with the following "boyfriend", and pushed it out of my mind.
First real life boyfriend - The pervert. I think that label speaks for itself... After the church I grew up in abandoned us, we church-hopped a while and eventually settled in a church that was barely on its feet, but very involved with many different people. My dad had stopped the insane job he was working, and his stress level had evened out, so by this time he was in the stage where life was normal except for the sudden snap every now and then. So, he began to get really involved in this church.
I had been friend-less for around two years at this point (excepting internet boy), and dying for some kind of affection. Since we were at the church a lot, I met all sorts of people. There was a program the church supported that allowed men who were trying to get on their feet a place to stay, and that is where I met this 22-year-old with an incredible way with words.
It started with poetry, heart-to-heart (or so I thought) talks, and sweet gestures I wasn't used to. Being very soft hearted and naive, I began to fall for all of this, and eventually fell right into his trap. The reality of his intentions began with a kiss he took. I say took, because I never wanted to give it. Was it forced on me? Not physically.
For all the times my dad had messed up, I can look back now and see that this is one part of my life where he did try to intervene in a good way. It made me angry, however, and instead of seeing all the warning signs, I was even more set on having the relationship. So, I helped to hide it. I helped make happen the very thing that would rip my heart to pieces.
"Do you love me?" he asked.
I just stared at him for a minute. I did, didn't I?
"Then kiss me."
But I didn't want to... I'd never kissed anyone, so I really wanted my first kiss to be very special. Several times, I succeeded in denying his request. I came up with excuses until I had no more to come up with. And still, he asked. So one day, I just stopped fighting it and I let him kiss me. It was absolutely disgusting. I felt like he was trying to suck my brains out whilst drooling all over me. But, I had no idea what a kiss was supposed to be like, so I thought that I was just being immature.
It went something like that for each stage. Even when the things he wanted to do, and did, hurt me very badly, I believed that it was just me... something was wrong with me. Something was wrong with me because I didn't want it, and something was wrong with me because I didn't like it. The one and only thing I managed to never give in to was actual sex (including oral).
And of course there was the blackmail... no threats of parents being murdered, or anything like that. But I'd poured my heart out to him. He knew things that I had never told anyone else. And I'd also hidden everything behind my parents back.
It was all my fault; everyone would blame it on me. If I spoke up, they would think I was looking for attention.
He had set me up to fall into a perfect psychological trap.
Yet, up until the day I called and he pretended he didn't know who I was, didn't care what I said, and eventually hung up on me, I didn't realize what had happened to me.
The suicidal-thinking, depression, and confusion, that I'd had a couple years before, suddenly came back times ten. I'd never actually tried to commit suicide, but the thoughts were overwhelming at times. I would step into the shower and hold my breath under the water, wondering how long it would take to drown. And knives were fascinating.
Two months later, Rico stepped into my life. On the outside, he met a girl in camouflage who loved hunting, fishing, and billiards, but on the inside he met someone who was an absolute wreck.
A wreck.
~~~
I was torn up inside by the time I was fifteen. Although the idea of D/d and spanking appealed to something deep inside, on the outside I was a full fledged man-hater. Every man that ever meant anything to me had used, abused, and rejected me on several different levels. In fact, I can't tell you how many times I swore I'd never submit to a man, or let one "walk all over me again."
My dad - the perfectionist. Everything I did, from the way I wiped down the table, to the things I wore, to the way I sang, was wrong. I couldn't express my opinion, and I surely couldn't say anything that differed from his point of view. The really bad thing was that he backed most of it up with "scripture", and used God against me. Since I'd loved Jesus and the Bible's teachings from childhood, probably the most hurtful thing he ever told me was that I was a rebellious, demon-child. Of course, by other standards, there were much worse things said - but that cut me the deepest because of where my heart was.
The first four years after the accident were the worst, but then the outbursts begin to lessen. Eventually it got to where the constantly-walking-on-eggshells life I'd lived calmed to normal... except for certain situations where he would snap again.
Internet boyfriend - the teacher. I say teacher because I really learned a lot from him. The experience I had in that relationship left me with a much firmer sense of my own values, at a relatively young age. I realized that it was very important to me that the person I married loved God and believed the same way I do. Being three years older than me, he also taught me not to be so embarrassed and insecure about myself and some of my desires - something the internet alone couldn't do.
But, I also found out that he had a temper...and it scared me to death because of the temper I'd experienced before. He really did love me, but I didn't really love him, and as more differences surfaced - including when I revealed my desire for D/d to him and he absolutely hated the fact - I just cut things off. I regretted it at first, and felt as though I'd really messed something up, but I was soon caught up in a real life situation with the following "boyfriend", and pushed it out of my mind.
First real life boyfriend - The pervert. I think that label speaks for itself... After the church I grew up in abandoned us, we church-hopped a while and eventually settled in a church that was barely on its feet, but very involved with many different people. My dad had stopped the insane job he was working, and his stress level had evened out, so by this time he was in the stage where life was normal except for the sudden snap every now and then. So, he began to get really involved in this church.
I had been friend-less for around two years at this point (excepting internet boy), and dying for some kind of affection. Since we were at the church a lot, I met all sorts of people. There was a program the church supported that allowed men who were trying to get on their feet a place to stay, and that is where I met this 22-year-old with an incredible way with words.
It started with poetry, heart-to-heart (or so I thought) talks, and sweet gestures I wasn't used to. Being very soft hearted and naive, I began to fall for all of this, and eventually fell right into his trap. The reality of his intentions began with a kiss he took. I say took, because I never wanted to give it. Was it forced on me? Not physically.
For all the times my dad had messed up, I can look back now and see that this is one part of my life where he did try to intervene in a good way. It made me angry, however, and instead of seeing all the warning signs, I was even more set on having the relationship. So, I helped to hide it. I helped make happen the very thing that would rip my heart to pieces.
"Do you love me?" he asked.
I just stared at him for a minute. I did, didn't I?
"Then kiss me."
But I didn't want to... I'd never kissed anyone, so I really wanted my first kiss to be very special. Several times, I succeeded in denying his request. I came up with excuses until I had no more to come up with. And still, he asked. So one day, I just stopped fighting it and I let him kiss me. It was absolutely disgusting. I felt like he was trying to suck my brains out whilst drooling all over me. But, I had no idea what a kiss was supposed to be like, so I thought that I was just being immature.
It went something like that for each stage. Even when the things he wanted to do, and did, hurt me very badly, I believed that it was just me... something was wrong with me. Something was wrong with me because I didn't want it, and something was wrong with me because I didn't like it. The one and only thing I managed to never give in to was actual sex (including oral).
And of course there was the blackmail... no threats of parents being murdered, or anything like that. But I'd poured my heart out to him. He knew things that I had never told anyone else. And I'd also hidden everything behind my parents back.
It was all my fault; everyone would blame it on me. If I spoke up, they would think I was looking for attention.
He had set me up to fall into a perfect psychological trap.
Yet, up until the day I called and he pretended he didn't know who I was, didn't care what I said, and eventually hung up on me, I didn't realize what had happened to me.
The suicidal-thinking, depression, and confusion, that I'd had a couple years before, suddenly came back times ten. I'd never actually tried to commit suicide, but the thoughts were overwhelming at times. I would step into the shower and hold my breath under the water, wondering how long it would take to drown. And knives were fascinating.
Two months later, Rico stepped into my life. On the outside, he met a girl in camouflage who loved hunting, fishing, and billiards, but on the inside he met someone who was an absolute wreck.
About me
- rivka
- The South, United States
- My profile
In Dreams
"And in dreams I am free
falling into what is not;
what will be what is.
It's this intense hatred
for reality twisted
in an obsession of hope
Defy the stagnant
life that speaks only
what can be but wills not.
God's grace,
not my self fear
of what I think
I cannot be."
-rivka
Blogs I Like
- Loving DD
- Spanking Bethie
- Wheelsucker (Jo's Blog)
- Joannie Writes
- Sue's Place
- Bottom Smarts (Bonnie's Blog)
- Life In Motion
- Chris's Blog (Sparkle's husband)
- Caia's Journey
- RandC Personal Correction
- My Spanko Diary
- Pieces (SarAdora's Blog)
- Susie A's Journal
- Whisperings Of My Soul
- Leah's Blog
- Christian Domestic Discipline
- The Spanked Wife
- Head of House
- Spanking Good Time (Tiggr)
- Bliatz
- Dave and Am
- Domestic Discipline Diary
- Cease Resistance:Spanking Ree Again
- The Enchanted Palms Blog (Lenora's Blog)
- SarAdora's Spanking Erotica
- Fiction In Motion
D/d & Spanking
D/s - Submission
Other Stuff
Previous posts
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