The side of my life that grows and changes with my interests and discoveries pertaining to the D/d and D/s world, with respect to my spiritual convictions/sensibilites. (This page is best viewed in Mozilla Firefox)

A new heart

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Despite the fact that being a 24/7 submissive has been my desire for a long time now, and I wanted it so bad in my mind.., I don't believe I actually became one until recently. Parts of me that were lying dormant still raged for control during touchy circumstances. When life had no complications, Rico and I had no disagreements, and things just ran smoothly, it was easy to be submissive. It was easy to obey, to do anything and everything he wanted, and to trust him with that "privilege." But when we disagreed, or when he or I messed up, or when life was just plain stressful, submission was the first thing out the window.

I think that sometimes I would panic inside. When things seemed to get too out of control, I would just lose it. Even a few days ago something along those lines happened - but for once, Rico pulled me up short and gave me the spanking I needed to get my head back in the right place. Rico is a lot more able to sit back, relax, have a lot of patience, and just wait on things to go smoothly. I'm more impulsive and like to see things happen NOW. So the other day when I asked him to do something, and he didn't do it quick enough for me... so I did it myself, he let me have it. Especially since he'd told me to let him handle it.

Another thing I have a lot of trouble handling, is when I ask something of him and he doesn't comply. My gosh that really gets under my skin. The answer to that has been to trust and lean on God. When I sit back and do what I'm supposed to do after I request something of Rico, I have to trust that God is going to take care of the situation no matter what Rico decides. I don't know how women deal with that without God... I couldn't do it. I'm thankful that the Bible outlines how Christ is the head of man. It just gives me peace and comfort when I start to get antsy about Rico's choices. In the end, it doesn't matter whether I think the decision he makes is wrong or right, because he has to stand before God and God will handle all of that. I'm even more thankful that Rico is a God-fearing man and he actually cares about what God expects of him as my leader.

There are two issues I'm working hard right now to stay submissive about. I've expressed my concerns, my feelings on both things, in a humble and clear way. Rico knows exactly how I feel about them. But.., he disagrees. About 99.9% of the time this happens, I freak out. It normally blows my mind that he would even THINK of making a decision against something I feel so strongly about. This time is different though... I prayed for 21 straight days, every day of the beginning of Jan., that God would change my heart and make me truly submissive. You wouldn't believe the change in me. For the first time in forever, I am actually able to be happy and OK with the fact that Rico isn't going to do what I want. I'd love it if he did change his mind, but it's alright if he doesn't. I'm content. The issues are over inviting a certain person to our wedding, and the method he's using to train his/our dog. To me, they are important things. I'm just shocked at myself, really, because I'm never able to push it out of my mind.

Anyway... it's late, so I'll stop for now. But that's just some of what I've been thinking about and what's been going on.


About me

  • Intro (with up-to-date edits)
  • In Dreams

    "And in dreams I am free
    falling into what is not;
    what will be what is.

    It's this intense hatred
    for reality twisted
    in an obsession of hope

    Defy the stagnant
    life that speaks only
    what can be but wills not.

    God's grace,
    not my self fear
    of what I think I cannot be."


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