The side of my life that grows and changes with my interests and discoveries pertaining to the D/d and D/s world, with respect to my spiritual convictions/sensibilites. (This page is best viewed in Mozilla Firefox)

Oh my gosh I can't believe I'm actually getting married in a little over twenty-four hours!!! YAY!!!

I feel bad for completely deserting the online world, but every time I would go to try and post or read some on the forums, something would come up.

Since the last time I posted, things have been 100% better. Paul and I are back to wonderful again, and everything has fallen together perfectly. I can't wait to get back to tell you all the different ways we've incorporated D/d and D/s into our wedding, our honeymoon, and (near) f uture marriage. I'm so excited!!

God has been so good to us. My wedding is totally outdoors, and the weather is absolutely perfect. My mom, dad, and in-laws have helped so incredibly much and have been just wonderful lately. Our honeymoon is going to be two weeks long and is planned to the "t." About the only thing that's giving us trouble is where we're going to stay when we get back - lol. Thankfully we have lots of good friends and relatives around to take us in till we figure things out. That could really frustrate me if I think about it... but as long as I keep my mind occupied it's all OK.

Anyway. I miss y'all!! Hope everyone is doing well. =)

I won't even pretend that I'm back for good, because that probably won't happen for a while! Life has been crazy. For starters, I'm getting married in 10 days and all the plans Rico and I had for where we'd be living have pretty much fallen through.

I think the stress of it all is getting to me. SIGH. I'm trying so hard not to be a bridezilla, lol, that I think it's backfiring. Today has been... nothing less than depressing. It will be so nice when Rico and I can come home to each other at night and not have to try and talk over the phone. We haven't been doing good lately at all. I think it's mostly because I'm so stressed out about the whole thing and he could care less. I guess that happens to everybody though. We've been fighting for like a week straight with very few intervals of "normalness." When I'm not pissed out of my brain and I know I'm thinking straight, I try to tell him how much I need him and how I feel like things are just out of control. But he doesn't help. He just says, "Yeah I know." And that's it? I need more than that... I feel like I have no security at all. None. He's always been so close and so protective, and now when I need him the most he's not there until I screw up or do something he doesn't like... then he's in my face being mean. Now we can't talk without chopping each other to peices.

I think that it's gotten to where I'm scared to death that I'm about to marry someone who's going to be a dictating control freak... who doesn't care how I really feel or when things upset me, and he gets scared that he's about to marry someone who will never be wholly submissive to him and respect him. So he fights to maintain authority and goes overboard, and I first buck and then retreat.

I know we'll make it through.. in Jesus' name.. we always do. But this is so hard right before our WEDDING. This should be like the happiest time of our life, and instead it's hell right now.

On the bright side, however, the actual wedding and honeymoon plans are going perfectly... and they're almost here! We get married the nineteenth and will be gone on our honeymoon all the way till June second. We're going to the Smokey mountains and then to Hawaii. =)

The wedding and reception will all be outdoors at sunset, and then under the stars, in a beautiful garden. Rico and I are going to surprise our guests by dancing the "Tango" as our first dance. I chose it just because it's so sexy and beautiful... not because it's actually in our blood or anything. That will be fun. We were going to leave in a carriage, but that didn't work out, so instead our getaway care will be an antique Rolls Royce (sp?).

Sigh. Just pray for us...

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I just can't wait... to fall asleep in the same bed as the man I've loved wholeheartedly for three and a half years.

I just can't wait... to see that familiar "I want to spank you SO bad" look in his eyes, and know that his will in the situation is completely unrestrained.

I just can't wait... to kneel at his feet.

I just can't wait... to feel free to look sexy for him, to be sexy for him, and to give my body to him for his full pleasure.

I just can't wait... to feel the tightening of my collar and his hands around my throat without a fear of what people might think.

I just can't wait... to serve him with all my heart as unto the Lord (Colossians 3:23-24).

I just can't wait... to allow my mind to divulge into every depth of its imagination.

I just can't wait... forty-seven more days.

Or can I? Thankfully, God has given us both the strength and grace to make it till the end.

I cannot believe it's been an entire month since I've been on here!! It's amazing how fast life can fly by. I don't know how I've lived without my computer for that long either...

Ok, so my laptop quits turning on completely. I try to take it to a computer-fixer-place and they're closed for a holiday. Well, a friend informs me that he knows about all that and can figure out the problem for me. He does, but over the period of a couple weeks. The problem, he thought, was the battery... so he sends me to Best Buy to do the test thingy and find out if that's the case. It wasn't - it was actually the cord. So I order that and it takes another week or so to come in... and here I am finally. :) Gotta love computers.

In the meantime, Rico and I are doing amazing... I'm happy and feel safe to say that we're finally past the newbie stage with D/d and D/s. We actually have some stability. That is a wonderful feeling... I don't know if it takes everyone else as long, but it's taken us like what... over two years? A LONG time. It was worth it though, and I would never take it back. This is the lifestyle we wanted so badly, and though it took trials and errors to figure things out... we did it, thank God.

OK, it's late and I have to work tomorrow so I'll close now... but I just had to post because I'm SO glad to be back!!

Oh, I also figured out an interesting type of "clip." Well, I'm sure someone else has tried it too - I just never read or heard about it anywhere before. Anyway, it's a bobby pin! Cheap, not TOO harsh as is and can even be bent slightly to lessen the squeeze, can be placed in multiple "areas", and is small enough not to be much of a problem hiding - especially not down under. *weg* Rico loves it, lol - he can't wait to actually be the one putting it on and taking it off. ;)

My computer is officially fried. I have no clue when it will be fixed, and the reason this post took so long coming is because this is the first chance I've had on another computer. Sorry!! I hope I'll be back soon!

Despite the fact that being a 24/7 submissive has been my desire for a long time now, and I wanted it so bad in my mind.., I don't believe I actually became one until recently. Parts of me that were lying dormant still raged for control during touchy circumstances. When life had no complications, Rico and I had no disagreements, and things just ran smoothly, it was easy to be submissive. It was easy to obey, to do anything and everything he wanted, and to trust him with that "privilege." But when we disagreed, or when he or I messed up, or when life was just plain stressful, submission was the first thing out the window.

I think that sometimes I would panic inside. When things seemed to get too out of control, I would just lose it. Even a few days ago something along those lines happened - but for once, Rico pulled me up short and gave me the spanking I needed to get my head back in the right place. Rico is a lot more able to sit back, relax, have a lot of patience, and just wait on things to go smoothly. I'm more impulsive and like to see things happen NOW. So the other day when I asked him to do something, and he didn't do it quick enough for me... so I did it myself, he let me have it. Especially since he'd told me to let him handle it.

Another thing I have a lot of trouble handling, is when I ask something of him and he doesn't comply. My gosh that really gets under my skin. The answer to that has been to trust and lean on God. When I sit back and do what I'm supposed to do after I request something of Rico, I have to trust that God is going to take care of the situation no matter what Rico decides. I don't know how women deal with that without God... I couldn't do it. I'm thankful that the Bible outlines how Christ is the head of man. It just gives me peace and comfort when I start to get antsy about Rico's choices. In the end, it doesn't matter whether I think the decision he makes is wrong or right, because he has to stand before God and God will handle all of that. I'm even more thankful that Rico is a God-fearing man and he actually cares about what God expects of him as my leader.

There are two issues I'm working hard right now to stay submissive about. I've expressed my concerns, my feelings on both things, in a humble and clear way. Rico knows exactly how I feel about them. But.., he disagrees. About 99.9% of the time this happens, I freak out. It normally blows my mind that he would even THINK of making a decision against something I feel so strongly about. This time is different though... I prayed for 21 straight days, every day of the beginning of Jan., that God would change my heart and make me truly submissive. You wouldn't believe the change in me. For the first time in forever, I am actually able to be happy and OK with the fact that Rico isn't going to do what I want. I'd love it if he did change his mind, but it's alright if he doesn't. I'm content. The issues are over inviting a certain person to our wedding, and the method he's using to train his/our dog. To me, they are important things. I'm just shocked at myself, really, because I'm never able to push it out of my mind.

Anyway... it's late, so I'll stop for now. But that's just some of what I've been thinking about and what's been going on.

I have wanted to be more open on this blog for SO long now... since I first started it, really, I wanted it to be a place where I could talk about everything that happened day to day that I couldn't talk about anywhere else. But, I had this little thought that held me back; I was scared that if I wasn't careful, I'd turn this into nothing but a place I could whine and complain. I despise whining and complaining. So I avoided the day to day "stuff" because, to be quite realistic with you, the beginnings of D/d and D/s aren't always filled with happiness. For a while I tried to blog about only the good stuff, but began to feel pretty hypocritical. Finally, I pretty much quit altogether.

Now, as Rico and I have really gotten back on track, our hearts and lives are making huge changes, and I'm constantly being inspired by other writers, I see that it's not about worrying what the direction this blog will take (should I simply be open and write both good and bad). It's about who Rico and I are, and what it is that we do. However that may come out, is the way this blog will go... and that's that.

Also, just as I don't always like and/or agree with the things I read, I know that people won't always like and/or agree with the things I write. Sometimes that thought would stress me out a little too - I don't like it when I perceive that people don't like me.
But it just doesn't matter! This is my life; it's the way it is and maybe someone out there will enjoy reading it.

So from now on... you will see more of my heart, more of us, and more reality. I'm going to be open in Jesus' name.

About me

  • Intro (with up-to-date edits)
  • In Dreams

    "And in dreams I am free
    falling into what is not;
    what will be what is.

    It's this intense hatred
    for reality twisted
    in an obsession of hope

    Defy the stagnant
    life that speaks only
    what can be but wills not.

    God's grace,
    not my self fear
    of what I think I cannot be."


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