The side of my life that grows and changes with my interests and discoveries pertaining to the D/d and D/s world, with respect to my spiritual convictions/sensibilites. (This page is best viewed in Mozilla Firefox)

I'm definitely a creative person - not sure if I mentioned that before. I'm into all the arts, and enjoy drawing, painting, writing (stories, poems, music, etc), singing, playing instruments, and photography as hobbies. This wasn't hard and could probably use more work, but cute nonetheless. So, I decided to post it. Whatcha think? *G* as long as I could make it (apparently). :( I was disrespectful again tonight. It's fair enough to say I was definitely provoked, but disrespectful nonetheless. I'm back to those "Strange Emotions" again... the ones that betray my logical self. The feelings that scream, "I asked for this, I ultimately want this, I know I deserve it," while battling against thoughts such as, "But he did this and that, this is unfair, this is too hard, I can't take it."


I love him so much. My biggest goal in life (besides serving the Lord) is to please him... make him happy with me. It hurts so bad when I dissapoint him and mess up. My heart is so heavy right now, I just want to cry. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those people who can just turn the waterworks on and off. Crying doesn't come naturally, or easily, for me. When it does happen, it's serious and I drain myself before I'm able to stop. It's one major release.

The release that comes with a spanking is something I long for. The release that will come from crying because of a spanking is even more so desired. These are the times I regret the predicament Rico and I are in... If circumstances were slightly different, he'd have no problem taking me over his knee and spanking me clear to tears. At this point, I don't think it would take much.

I'm sorry for what I did and I feel like a total failure. Call it self-pity, or whatever you'd like, but I feel like the worst submissive on the face of the planet. I know he would hold me close, reassure me, all of the above. But this won't go away till I feel like I've made up for what I've done. Anybody else have feelings like these?

Remember how I wrote about I'm not supposed to walk away when I'm frustrated anymore? Or freak out? Instead of writing the rules I did break, I could seriously shorten the list by writing the ones I didn't break.

>freaked out
>walked away
>cussed at him
>disrespected him
>disrespected him publically

*curls up under a rock*

And I'm bored, so I decided my blog needed an update. *g* I sure hope you all had an absolutely wonderful Thanksgiving. Mine involved more food than anybody had any idea what to do with!

Rico is out hunting... in the rain, lol. I like to hunt and fish, watch sports ... but be caught in the cold rain... NO THANK YOU! He can have that. So, instead, I was helping put up Christmas decorations...and WATCHED the rain (every now and then). Now, Christmas is, by far, my most favorite holiday, but this year I'm having trouble getting into it. I have ONE gift so far... and not the first clue what else I'm going to buy. *sighs*

I've been keeping myself out of trouble, aren't ya' proud?! A whole 3 1/2 days. *weg* I was scared I was gunna get it for Thanksgiving though. I didn't know for WHAT (because I really had been VERY good), but I sure did find myself over his knee in a split second. Didn't stay that way for long, due to all the people around, but it was a quick rush, with a dab of ~sweetness~, to get me in the right mindset. Afterwards, I sat at his feet and he taught me how to lace up his boots the way he likes. I love to do things like that for him...

Anyway... God's blessings to all y'all as we start the real Christmas season!

*sighs* Today... was... hard. I cleaned, and cleaned, and CLEANED. I'm not complaining, just exaggerating my point profusely. *g* On top of normal life, and having to work on a totally seperate project, I cleaned my room and the bathroom spotless for 7 1/2 hours. I'm convinced the baseboards in the bathroom haven't seen the light of day (until now) since they were put there... I also have a new, very thorough, appreciation for Lysol. Oh and one other thing: it's one thing to find yourself wearing a single item of clothing that aggravates you, but when it's EVERY single thing you put on throughout the ENTIRE day, it's a completely different story... especially when wedgie from h*ll follows you around constantly.

But, despite all that, I feel really good right now. And so does Rico. I'm forgiven, my debt is paid, and all is well in our world again...

Since last night was sort of a first for us, I was curious to know what had been going through his mind... (a part of our online conv.)

me: i want to know what you were thinking last night...
me: everything that was going through your mind *curious smile*
Him: when?
me: you know when
Him: that i'm surprised just how much i like this lifestyle
Him: and how much better it makes me feel
Him: and how proud i am to have someone like you


Well, I'm very embarrassed and sorry to say that I earned myself another punishment not 24 hours after I'd finally completed my 3 week writing punishment. *sad face* The next MORNING I just lost all my good sense, lol. I was direspectful to Rico, I nagged at him about every little thing in PUBLIC, and I freaked out and punched him in the shoulder. Yes, you heard me right, I punched him in the shoulder. Almost killed my hand.., but that's beside the point. And I seriously, honest to God, was not trying to test him. Something just... got into me. *shakes head* So, needless to say, I'm being punished.

I've never really explained our circumstances, but I think now would be a good time. Basically, spankings are generally out of the question. Especially serious ones. Because we're not married yet and we both have serious convictions, the first factor out the window is nudity. So no removing of my clothes for a spanking. Second HUGE factor is that we're almost ALWAYS around my family, his family, or our friends. We keep it that way as an act of accountability and out of respect for my parents' wishes. Yeah, yeah - old fashioned. But, we don't want to have sex till after marriage, and having your kid siblings around is a darn good way to keep it like that. *g*

Why did I just tell you all that? To show that spanking isn't always a valid option. In fact, it hardly ever is. So in order to keep the power exchange going and the D/d lifestyle, he comes up with... other things... *insert scared look here* Like that evil 3 week writing punishment. OK to the point:

After acknowleding that we had talked about this and I really had been a b*tch, he pronouned the *first* part of my doom would be an early bedtime: 10:00 pm. To understand why that's a punishment, you have to realize that I'm a NIGHT OWL. I'm most awake at about 2:30 *A.M.* So being in bed by 10 was horrible, and I laid awake for over an hour, then woke up later on in the night. The next thing he did, was NOT tell me the rest of my punishment until the next time he saw me. Thank God that was the next night; anticipation almost killed me.

"Can you please tell me my punishment now?" I almost begged, my heart starting to pound a little.
"How bad do you want to know?"
I dropped my head, fidgited a little.., "Pretty badly, Baby..."
"Alright," SUCCESS!! "you will get on your knees and tell me you are sorry before I leave here tonight."
"Yes Sir."
"Once I do leave, you will take your clothes off in your room and put on your 'Bad Girl' panties - only them - and kneel in the corner for five minutes." [my "bad girl" panties are a pair of thongs that have exactly that written across the front of them]
*clears throat nervously* "Yes Sir."
Five minutes didn't seem too long, but this list was still growing. Not to mention, it's really cold in my room.
"Tomorrow, you will wake up at 7 and clean your room and the bathroom SPOTLESS. While you are doing this, you will wear the panties, bra, jeans, and shirt that you hate the absolute most. Do you understand?"
I looked up at him regretfully, "Yes Sir, I understand... I'm really sorry."
"I know you are, Baby." He kissed the top of my head gently and pulled me close.

When the time was right, and the least people were around, I nervously dropped to my knees and apologized. It was SO much harder than it sounds... a very humbling experience for me. I kissed his hand and couldn't find the strength to get back up. Guilt was drowning me and I looked down at the ground. It didn't matter who was around anymore. After realizing I was having a difficult time with all my emotions, he reached down and gently lifted me to him. I fell against his chest nearly in tears. To hurt and dissapoint the man I love so very much is heartbreaking... at the least.

After staying that way for some while, it came to my attention that we were somewhat alone in the hallway. The thought that I could and should be spanked occured to me. Unfortunately, it wouldn't leave my mind... and I'm one of those transparent people. So, he lifted my chin and asked me what I was thinking.

"I um.. I .. I'm so embarrassed!" I buried my head in his chest. What kind of person ASKS for a spanking?! Have I LOST MY MIND?! Am I NUTS?!
"What? Baby, just tell me."
I looked up, pleadingly, into his eyes. There was reassurance and love there. Finally, I whispered hoarsly, "We.. we're.. pretty much alone and..." I had to stop and swallow the giant knot in my throat.
"And what? Rivka... tell me."
I'm sure many of you have been at this point. I'd never before asked for a punishment spanking.
"I.. you.. well we could.." I sighed and finally just said, "Do you think I deserve a spanking?"
He paused for a minute. "Yes I do. Where do you want it?"
Most of the rest of my speech was mumbled and incoherent. Everything became utterly surreal to me.

Somehow, for the beginning, I wound up leaning over the bathroom sink. At first I was using my elbows as props so I could cover my face, but I soon realized that I'd have to brace myself or be smacked right into the faucet. I think I knocked something over, but I was so embarrassed and out of it that I'm not really sure what it was. He was using his hand over my jeans, but the force was creating a strange kind of numbness. I've come to the conclusion that he's really strong, and whole lot bigger than me, and his hands are ginormous.

The hand spanking was cut abruptly short by an intruder. Rico pulled me up into a hug before the person appeared in order to save me more embarrassment. For a minute we stood there after the person left, and then slowly made our way across the hall.

"Are you OK?" He asked me gently.
"Yes, I'm fine..." I replied, feeling short of breath. I really wasn't in pain at all - just a weird, still very surreal, mindset.
"I wouldn't have stopped quite yet, but I didn't want anybody seeing you like that."
My heart sunk. He kissed my forehead, but all I knew was that he thought I deserved more.
"Baby, please finish if you're not done. I will feel horrible..."
He stared at me for a minute and pushed the hair out of my face. After considering the chance of someone else walking up, and what all to do, we finally decided to just slip inside the room and I leaned against the wall while he used a hairbrush. Quickly, and harshly at first, he started spanking my jean clad backside. The smacks didn't leave much of an effect at first, but eventually the layers were adding up and the burn was increasing noticeably. Suddenly, he slacked up, I didn't move though. And then another intruder. He quickly handed me the hairbrush and I tossed it onto the near by bed while he entertained the new person. Trying not to rub my butt was... interesting. I managed, however.

Once we were alone again, I asked him if that had been enough [honestly]? He kissed me and admitted he'd slacked up because he wasn't used to doing that type of thing to me. The sound (of the hairbrush), I think, freaked him out a little. We stood in the hallway once more, and he had grabbed the hairbrush to put away. But in the process, I asked him if he was really through with it. He gave me a wry grin and leaned against the wall, sideways, with me; hairbrush still in hand. He slid the brush up to the inside of my thigh and patted softly. Despite his grin, I knew he wasn't totally playing and I moved my legs to where he'd have a decent aim. Just as I suspected, he gave the inside of my thigh a few good licks and finally put it away.

That hairbrush marked, even through my jeans, but only lightly. The spanking wasn't really painful. It was the mindset that got to me and left a lasting effect. It being...sort of... my first "punishment" spanking had a lot to do with that. I won't truly consider it my first punishment spanking, because my punishment involves a lot more than the spanking, and isn't centered on it at all. When the spanking is the pinnacle of my punishment and it truly hurts like heck, then I'll probably consider it so.

On another note... wooden floors are hard. And being practically buck naked in wintertime isn't cool. Tomorrow I'll probably post how the rest of my punishment goes.

[A] strand[s] here and there
Placed randomly [yet so perfectly]

[I am] free inside these bars
A cage of precise boundaries [I've come to l

[I was] not placed here
But chose this cell [on my own]

[Logically] some wonder and fail to appreciate
The beginnings and the ends [my choice]

[But] look closer and comprehend
How could I weave [what is] my life [without?]

[These] limits are my source
Ultimately they nourish [my soul]

[And so] don't judge my decision
This position is what motivates me [to be]

...who I truly want to be.

poem and picture by: rivka

...and it stinks. I wasn't sure about posting this, but I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed tonight and need to go ahead and get it off my chest. Wednesday I went to the doctor because my back has really been hurting badly lately. It's hurt on and off for years, but this past week has been rough. So, to make a long story short, I have Scoliosis. It's bad, but thank God not bad enough for surgery at this point. However, I'm kind of scared because I didn't go to a specialist, just a chiropractor. And he was maddeningly vague.

Then tonight, Rico broke his hand. All it took was him jumping out of his truck and taking a hard swing at the punching bag on his way into the house. Broke it in a really bad spot and then the ER people said they couldn't do anything about it because of the swelling?! To "go home and if it still hurts in a week go to a doctor." He's broken his other hand in the past, so he KNOWS it's broken... I'm just.. *really* irritated about that.


I'm still feeling pretty bad (so this won't be long), but I thought I'd go ahead and explain my profile pic (to an extent). It's actually a picture I drew of my own hand. Its significance, however, is the bracelet on my wrist. The story behind it is kind of unique, and I may write about it when I'm feeling better, but basically that is my "collar." Or, what Rico and I consider my "collar" anyway. Something I can easily wear all the time and in public.

When Rico really understood it, he truly surprised me with how easily he accepted it and wanted it (just as much as me!). But that seems to be the story of my life in this journey of discovery. His wants and desires are practically identical to mine.

Rico: Will you wear my collar, Baby?
Rivka: Yes I will. All my life...

Right so... I'm still not over it. But in a better light now. The more I think about it, the more OK I am with it all. That little twitch you get in your stomach when S/O gets that *look* and that *tone* in his demeanor... is something like the feeling I've got. It's a humbled feeling, an anxious feeling; a submissive feeling. I've decided to look at my decision to be happy with his judgment as an act of submission. There will always be things he decides that I don't necessarily agree with, or would do myself. Why not start now disciplining myself to accept it no matter what?

On a separate note, I asked Rico for a list of six things he'd like to see changed in me (my personality, my actions, etc.). Thankfully, he only came up with two, lol.

1) Don't get to the point where I absolutely freak out
2) Don't walk/stomp/stalk away when I'm frustrated with him or something we're talking about.

This week I'm going to try and respect him more. When I get irritated (whether it's with him or not), I get mouthy and become disrespectful towards him either in word or in deed. I want to change that and I'm going to sincerely ask him to help me. . . EEK!

Well... I've earned another 4 days of this "writing" punishment. *sigh* How it came about, though, is what was *different* and invoked these weird emotions of mine.

Way back when Rico first decided on my 3 weeks of this writing stuff, he'd noted the rules surrounding it including: "If you skip a day, I'll add 4." Which means, consequentially, that I had to skip a day to find myself where I am now... and I did. But I did it because I was gone all day (had to be) and came down with a flu-like cold that put me straight in bed once I'd walked through the door. Not because of "petty" excuses. So, when I confessed that I'd missed a day, and he quite simply replied that the punishment for that was 4 more days, I was a little perturbed. It didn't help that I was only 3 days away from completion. How could he be so cruel and harsh as to punish me more for something I had no control over?
But as I let it settle in, and asked him how come he felt the need to do that (after I'd done so well the past 2 1/2 weeks, and it was, after all, something I couldn't change), his attitude did hold sympathy, but he answered, "Well, that was what I said wasn't it? I didn't make exceptions for being sick." I had to stop and seriously think. He's not a mean guy..,really. He's trying very hard to be the disciplinarian that *I've* asked him to be; he's keeping his word. And then...I was OK with it. I even found the nerve to tell him he was right for doing so and felt bad, afterwards, for not doing what I was supposed to in the first place. I did feel OK enough to eat and get on the computer. I suppose if fulfilling my punishment had been a higher priority, I could have made it happen somehow...

And he was the "vanilla" in this relationship? Yeah, RIGHT. Definitely a closet spanko to say the very least.

You know, I must be a glutton for punishment or something; I've got the worst problem with telling on myself ever. Who, in their right mind, would purposely tell on themselves KNOWING there are consequences? Me, that's who. It's horrible, don't laugh!

Now, I'm sure people can understand, to a point, the "telling on yourself" that comes with answering a direct question truthfully (as opposed to bold-faced lying, or even deception - by going around the question some way or another). But when you own up to something you really don't have to own up to, because of guilt or whatever reason -- is that just a little on the ASKING FOR IT side? Definitely.

I still do it.

In fact, I have week and a half left of writing for an hour a day because of it. And twice now, I've had to add to that hour. Why? Because I told on myself. *rolls eyes*

All those times I've read about people whose S/O made them write lines, I always thought that it was a very mild type of discipline and never really pictured it as punishment. Even the first three days I found myself seated in a hard, wood chair writing (not actual "lines", mind you.., something truly original my S/O concocted up), I didn't think it was all that bad. But the first time that hour doesn't coincide with the rest of your day, and you really have to struggle to get it done (or worse, don't finish!), it becomes clear that it is a perfectly respectable form of punishment.

... sucks.

But, it's amazing how you love someone all the more if you go through something hard with them and make it out the other side together. At least, that's how it is for us.

Communication skills were definitely not top priority in my raising. Learning how to explain how you feel and why is a whole lot harder than it may sound. Rico and I both had uniquely opposite childhoods; both hard and painful in their own way. Buried insecurities surface in our relationship with one another every now and then. When you know so much about someone that you could write their biography, you tend to automatically assume things about their thoughts and feelings based on real life facts. When you combine assumptions with issues and hurts, you create disaster. Disaster = major breakdown in communication resulting in even more pain and hurt.

Thank God for grace, mercy, and understanding though, right? Those three things get us through.


On a different note, LOL. A thought struck me today as Rico and I playfully referred to one another in terms like, "Dom," "Sub," "Master," "Slave," "Lord," "Servant." Etc. I used to get royally pi$$ed when I heard people use this verse:

"For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, when she called him her master..." 1 Peter 3:6a

Some other versions use the word, "lord." Anyhow, it truly irked me to hear that verse quoted. Mainly because it was being used to rub in someone's face, including my own at times, coupled with a picture of what the perfect submissive wife would really say and do. You get the point. What I found amusingly ironic is the fact that I know I will be calling my husband "Sir" and "Master" on a fairly regular basis. (We're not even married and I already use the term "Sir" seriously and "Master" on a more playful basis.) And also the fact that I *want* to. I'm not being forced, I'm not having this ideal smashed into my face - it's totally my own act of respect and true submission to his deserved authority. I give the glory to God for that change in my life, of course. But the point is, I never imagined myself to be at the place I am now. Somehow I seriously doubt anyone else did either, LOL!

Submission in its literal sense has always been a big part of my life. Like I mentioned before, I grew up in a very conservative environment and am still a very big part of that same place. Because of my very Biblical foundation, I was always taught the "roles" of the husband and the wife. The wife being the submissive one, the husband being the dominant head of the household. Those two images stuck with me and became what I envisioned in a relationship. Even through the two bad relationships I had, I tried to be submissive in a sense. After that, I rebelled against it all on the outside, but inside I still wanted the security, the peace, and the calm I felt in being able to release control to another; to live to please someone else. But actually becoming a submissive person was never a true reality to me. Mainly because I had so many hurts and insecurities that I couldn't even figure out HOW, but also because I was blinded by what this world portrays a woman to be.

For me, the basic foundation of submission is trust. Something I didn't have in my life until Rico. It took a really long time for me to get to the place where I even wanted to submit to him, much less actually be able to. I'm still learning. Submission isn't something that happens overnight. It's a learned quality you have to really strive for. Some people have submissive natures, but the total act of submission to another in everything is just unnatural, IMHO. Also, going against everything you're taught through every type of media isn't exactly an easy task either. But once you grasp the beauty of true submission, it doesn't matter what the rest of the universe may think.

The very first post I made was a poem that reveals my personal [ongoing] journey to submission. Before I even started, I thought I was all that and a bag of chips. But life began to happen, and soon I was brought down off my mountain top and made to look at myself. After I met Rico, I started working towards a new goal and again filled up with pride. I thought that because I was different from all the other girls and women in his life, I was, somehow, better; and, thought I was just the greatest because I was learning about "submission." Well, life happened again and I screwed up really bad. I almost messed up everything we worked towards in our relationship by breaking that foundational trust. Which, definitely, kicked me right off my mountaintop [again]. When I was finally able to look up from my wretched self pity, that is that point I consider my true first steps towards submission. I didn't count myself better than anyone else, including him, and that produced a huge case of humility in my life. That was also the point I shared my "deepest, darkest" secret. Maybe a desperate grasp at trust again? Sharing an intimate part of myself in exchange for breaking a promise? Or was it because I yearned for consequences for my actions? Either way, all of me was out in the open and he took it surprisingly well. So well, in fact, that he totally accepted it and acted on it.

Somehow, after all that, he continues to think me beautiful inside and out. Since my confession and his approval, we have become closer than ever. But I continue to try and keep an attitude of humility. At first, it was remorseful and apologetic. That only kept me in the bowels of self-pity, however. So now, I simply keep in mind that it only takes one slip of the tongue to fall right off any high status I may begin to think of myself.

My motives may be different than others, but it's what works for me. I will submit to him because it's what he deserves. I will submit to him out of respect for the position he has earned in my life. Even if he messes up, I will still submit because I know that I am no better. I will submit because I trust him.

Now, submission is my reality. I know full well I am nowhere near the place I want to be, but I am getting there. If I begin to slip and go backwards instead of forwards, I have Rico now to pull me back in line. But I also have him here to assure me that he is proud of me while I am doing good, and will always see me as beautiful.

Thus, I have titled my blog, and my life, [my] beautiful submission.

(lol, I hope all that makes sense...)

About me

  • Intro (with up-to-date edits)
  • In Dreams

    "And in dreams I am free
    falling into what is not;
    what will be what is.

    It's this intense hatred
    for reality twisted
    in an obsession of hope

    Defy the stagnant
    life that speaks only
    what can be but wills not.

    God's grace,
    not my self fear
    of what I think I cannot be."


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