Beautiful Submission

Tomorrow!!

2007-05-18T13:17:00.000-05:00

Oh my gosh I can't believe I'm actually getting married in a little over twenty-four hours!!! YAY!!!

I feel bad for completely deserting the online world, but every time I would go to try and post or read some on the forums, something would come up.

Since the last time I posted, things have been 100% better. Paul and I are back to wonderful again, and everything has fallen together perfectly. I can't wait to get back to tell you all the different ways we've incorporated D/d and D/s into our wedding, our honeymoon, and (near) f uture marriage. I'm so excited!!

God has been so good to us. My wedding is totally outdoors, and the weather is absolutely perfect. My mom, dad, and in-laws have helped so incredibly much and have been just wonderful lately. Our honeymoon is going to be two weeks long and is planned to the "t." About the only thing that's giving us trouble is where we're going to stay when we get back - lol. Thankfully we have lots of good friends and relatives around to take us in till we figure things out. That could really frustrate me if I think about it... but as long as I keep my mind occupied it's all OK.

Anyway. I miss y'all!! Hope everyone is doing well. =)

Wedding plans!

2007-05-08T22:45:00.000-05:00

I won't even pretend that I'm back for good, because that probably won't happen for a while! Life has been crazy. For starters, I'm getting married in 10 days and all the plans Rico and I had for where we'd be living have pretty much fallen through.

I think the stress of it all is getting to me. SIGH. I'm trying so hard not to be a bridezilla, lol, that I think it's backfiring. Today has been... nothing less than depressing. It will be so nice when Rico and I can come home to each other at night and not have to try and talk over the phone. We haven't been doing good lately at all. I think it's mostly because I'm so stressed out about the whole thing and he could care less. I guess that happens to everybody though. We've been fighting for like a week straight with very few intervals of "normalness." When I'm not pissed out of my brain and I know I'm thinking straight, I try to tell him how much I need him and how I feel like things are just out of control. But he doesn't help. He just says, "Yeah I know." And that's it? I need more than that... I feel like I have no security at all. None. He's always been so close and so protective, and now when I need him the most he's not there until I screw up or do something he doesn't like... then he's in my face being mean. Now we can't talk without chopping each other to peices.

I think that it's gotten to where I'm scared to death that I'm about to marry someone who's going to be a dictating control freak... who doesn't care how I really feel or when things upset me, and he gets scared that he's about to marry someone who will never be wholly submissive to him and respect him. So he fights to maintain authority and goes overboard, and I first buck and then retreat.

I know we'll make it through.. in Jesus' name.. we always do. But this is so hard right before our WEDDING. This should be like the happiest time of our life, and instead it's hell right now.

On the bright side, however, the actual wedding and honeymoon plans are going perfectly... and they're almost here! We get married the nineteenth and will be gone on our honeymoon all the way till June second. We're going to the Smokey mountains and then to Hawaii. =)

The wedding and reception will all be outdoors at sunset, and then under the stars, in a beautiful garden. Rico and I are going to surprise our guests by dancing the "Tango" as our first dance. I chose it just because it's so sexy and beautiful... not because it's actually in our blood or anything. That will be fun. We were going to leave in a carriage, but that didn't work out, so instead our getaway care will be an antique Rolls Royce (sp?).

Sigh. Just pray for us...

Just (to be ) married...

2007-04-03T00:17:00.000-05:00

I just can't wait... to fall asleep in the same bed as the man I've loved wholeheartedly for three and a half years.

I just can't wait... to see that familiar "I want to spank you SO bad" look in his eyes, and know that his will in the situation is completely unrestrained.

I just can't wait... to kneel at his feet.

I just can't wait... to feel free to look sexy for him, to be sexy for him, and to give my body to him for his full pleasure.

I just can't wait... to feel the tightening of my collar and his hands around my throat without a fear of what people might think.

I just can't wait... to serve him with all my heart as unto the Lord (Colossians 3:23-24).

I just can't wait... to allow my mind to divulge into every depth of its imagination.

I just can't wait... forty-seven more days.

Or can I? Thankfully, God has given us both the strength and grace to make it till the end.

A whole MONTH !!

2007-03-16T00:09:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe it's been an entire month since I've been on here!! It's amazing how fast life can fly by. I don't know how I've lived without my computer for that long either...

Ok, so my laptop quits turning on completely. I try to take it to a computer-fixer-place and they're closed for a holiday. Well, a friend informs me that he knows about all that and can figure out the problem for me. He does, but over the period of a couple weeks. The problem, he thought, was the battery... so he sends me to Best Buy to do the test thingy and find out if that's the case. It wasn't - it was actually the cord. So I order that and it takes another week or so to come in... and here I am finally. :) Gotta love computers.

In the meantime, Rico and I are doing amazing... I'm happy and feel safe to say that we're finally past the newbie stage with D/d and D/s. We actually have some stability. That is a wonderful feeling... I don't know if it takes everyone else as long, but it's taken us like what... over two years? A LONG time. It was worth it though, and I would never take it back. This is the lifestyle we wanted so badly, and though it took trials and errors to figure things out... we did it, thank God.

OK, it's late and I have to work tomorrow so I'll close now... but I just had to post because I'm SO glad to be back!!

Oh, I also figured out an interesting type of "clip." Well, I'm sure someone else has tried it too - I just never read or heard about it anywhere before. Anyway, it's a bobby pin! Cheap, not TOO harsh as is and can even be bent slightly to lessen the squeeze, can be placed in multiple "areas", and is small enough not to be much of a problem hiding - especially not down under. *weg* Rico loves it, lol - he can't wait to actually be the one putting it on and taking it off. ;)

Fried Computer

2007-02-17T21:52:00.000-06:00

My computer is officially fried. I have no clue when it will be fixed, and the reason this post took so long coming is because this is the first chance I've had on another computer. Sorry!! I hope I'll be back soon!

A new heart

2007-02-07T00:35:00.000-06:00

Despite the fact that being a 24/7 submissive has been my desire for a long time now, and I wanted it so bad in my mind.., I don't believe I actually became one until recently. Parts of me that were lying dormant still raged for control during touchy circumstances. When life had no complications, Rico and I had no disagreements, and things just ran smoothly, it was easy to be submissive. It was easy to obey, to do anything and everything he wanted, and to trust him with that "privilege." But when we disagreed, or when he or I messed up, or when life was just plain stressful, submission was the first thing out the window.

I think that sometimes I would panic inside. When things seemed to get too out of control, I would just lose it. Even a few days ago something along those lines happened - but for once, Rico pulled me up short and gave me the spanking I needed to get my head back in the right place. Rico is a lot more able to sit back, relax, have a lot of patience, and just wait on things to go smoothly. I'm more impulsive and like to see things happen NOW. So the other day when I asked him to do something, and he didn't do it quick enough for me... so I did it myself, he let me have it. Especially since he'd told me to let him handle it.

Another thing I have a lot of trouble handling, is when I ask something of him and he doesn't comply. My gosh that really gets under my skin. The answer to that has been to trust and lean on God. When I sit back and do what I'm supposed to do after I request something of Rico, I have to trust that God is going to take care of the situation no matter what Rico decides. I don't know how women deal with that without God... I couldn't do it. I'm thankful that the Bible outlines how Christ is the head of man. It just gives me peace and comfort when I start to get antsy about Rico's choices. In the end, it doesn't matter whether I think the decision he makes is wrong or right, because he has to stand before God and God will handle all of that. I'm even more thankful that Rico is a God-fearing man and he actually cares about what God expects of him as my leader.

There are two issues I'm working hard right now to stay submissive about. I've expressed my concerns, my feelings on both things, in a humble and clear way. Rico knows exactly how I feel about them. But.., he disagrees. About 99.9% of the time this happens, I freak out. It normally blows my mind that he would even THINK of making a decision against something I feel so strongly about. This time is different though... I prayed for 21 straight days, every day of the beginning of Jan., that God would change my heart and make me truly submissive. You wouldn't believe the change in me. For the first time in forever, I am actually able to be happy and OK with the fact that Rico isn't going to do what I want. I'd love it if he did change his mind, but it's alright if he doesn't. I'm content. The issues are over inviting a certain person to our wedding, and the method he's using to train his/our dog. To me, they are important things. I'm just shocked at myself, really, because I'm never able to push it out of my mind.

Anyway... it's late, so I'll stop for now. But that's just some of what I've been thinking about and what's been going on.

More Open

2007-02-02T01:06:00.000-06:00

I have wanted to be more open on this blog for SO long now... since I first started it, really, I wanted it to be a place where I could talk about everything that happened day to day that I couldn't talk about anywhere else. But, I had this little thought that held me back; I was scared that if I wasn't careful, I'd turn this into nothing but a place I could whine and complain. I despise whining and complaining. So I avoided the day to day "stuff" because, to be quite realistic with you, the beginnings of D/d and D/s aren't always filled with happiness. For a while I tried to blog about only the good stuff, but began to feel pretty hypocritical. Finally, I pretty much quit altogether.

Now, as Rico and I have really gotten back on track, our hearts and lives are making huge changes, and I'm constantly being inspired by other writers, I see that it's not about worrying what the direction this blog will take (should I simply be open and write both good and bad). It's about who Rico and I are, and what it is that we do. However that may come out, is the way this blog will go... and that's that.

Also, just as I don't always like and/or agree with the things I read, I know that people won't always like and/or agree with the things I write. Sometimes that thought would stress me out a little too - I don't like it when I perceive that people don't like me. But it just doesn't matter! This is my life; it's the way it is and maybe someone out there will enjoy reading it.

So from now on... you will see more of my heart, more of us, and more reality. I'm going to be open in Jesus' name.

My Dress

2007-01-31T02:01:00.000-06:00

Some of you have seen it, but most of you haven't - so here it is!

Randomly me

2007-01-20T02:03:00.000-06:00

I know I've posted a couple of the "tag" thingies, and answered a few questions within different posts, but there's a whole lot I have yet to tell. Visiting another woman's site, I saw that she wrote out, in tag form, a bunch of different, personal, facts about herself. Nothing really too "close to home", just stuff. It was fun for me to read, even though it's probably only the second time I'd ever been to her blog, so I figured some of you might really enjoy seeing that here - not to mention I love the idea of writing it in such a simple way.

Random Info

- I love Jesus Christ with all my heart and strive every day to become more like Him.
- I am the submissive in a D/d, somewhat D/s, relationship.
- I live in the southern U.S.
- I'm an artist and a photographer; aspiring to own my own business.
- I am under 25 years old.
- I have no kids, but plan to have plenty one day in the future.
- I'm a virgin (of any kind of sex) and will be until my wedding night.
- I'm going to marry my "highschool Sweetheart" in May, 2007.
- I'm a naturally light brunette.
- I LOVE animals; especially dogs.
- I'd really like to meet someone in real life, one day, who lives the same type of D/d lifestyle as Rico and I.
- Emails are like candy to me - I'm not the best at giving them away, but I love to get them!
- I have three brothers and one sister - one of which I know for sure has this spanko kink, but isn't old enough for me to openly talk about it with him, *g*.
- I have, what seems to be, the opposite of most people when it comes to certain insecurities about my weight; I want to gain like 15-20 pounds rather than lose it.
- I'm rehabilitating a squirrel.
- I actually love to hunt and fish - fishing moreso.
- "My Jesus" by Todd Agnew is a song I believe everyone should hear, and "The Passion" a movie that everyone should see at least once.
- Rico is my best friend.
- I'm a chocolate lover.
- The sexiest thing Rico could wear for me is a pair of jeans, a belt, some round-toe boots, and no shirt.
- Those lips on my banner are mine.
- I despise the morning and would rather stay up till the wee hours of the morning, then wake up at them; I truly am a hardcore nightowl (have you ever checked the times on these posts? LOL).

Want to know something else random? Just ask!!

A Bit of Real Life

2007-01-19T02:29:00.000-06:00

Oh my gosh... I have the largest monstrosity of a ZIT you have ever seen. It is absolutely shocking. My sister told me that it looks like my "evil twin" is trying to come out of my forehead... and the sad part is, that it really is that bad.

I cannot even believe that it’s real.

I have been wearing hats and covering it with my hands all night. You see, throughout the day it was bad, but it wasn’t totally disturbing... A lot of carefully and artistically applied makeup worked OK. But it was like when the sun went down, it decided, "Time to come out!" and just BULGED.

Nothing can cover this thing... I mean NOTHING. I just keep piling on the acne medication - praying it goes down by tomorrow before I leave for work.

I didn’t even mess with this one until way after it decided to Eiffel Tower out of my face. The only reason I even thought about touching it is because I sort of panicked. A temporary loss of sanity hit me, and all I could think was that it HAD TO GO! But did it pop? Of course not. So now it’s red AND bulging.

*cries*

CDD Bible Study

2007-01-17T02:50:00.000-06:00

I don't know if any of you have read this book yet... but it is wonderful.

http://www.lulu.com/content/512678

I, personally, have yet to read something quite like it on the internet. It's a $5.00 download, but probably some of the best dollars I've spent online concerning the D/d world. Usually I go into reading things (non-fiction) halfheartedly because there's no telling what it could say halfway through and there's almost always something very un-Biblical right in the midst of it. Well, I was able to wholeheartedly embrace everything the author had to say here because the book is loaded with scripture. Rico and I were thoroughly impressed.

It was really an answer to prayer because we both wanted more Biblical direction in D/d... that book gave it to us. After downloading it, I printed it out and have been making notes, studying it, and reading it outloud to Rico ever since.

So if you'd like to check out a good book on becoming a Godly submissive wife, coupled with D/d, that would be it.

I found it on that website I posted a little while back:

Christian Domestic Discipline

Humiliation

2007-01-15T01:13:00.000-06:00

I talked about humility in my last post, and keeping a humble mindset. The last few days have done nothing more than put an exclamation mark on the end of those thoughts. I believe the problems come in when I start putting myself before Rico. I forget my place, I get a prideful heart, and I just see him on a much too equal level. I don't know if equal is the right word there, but it's close. What I mean is that I start basing the extent of my submission on what he's saying, how he's acting, or what's going on in our life. Which, of course, is wrong. My submission should be absolute - no matter what's happening.

Most of the time, to get my head back where it should be, it takes some action on his part. I think that he's starting to see that more lately, and that has taken a lot of the struggle away. It generally doesn't take a whole lot (just a few words, maybe a threat), but sometimes it does. I've come to the conclusion that the most effective way of getting ME back into a humble mindset is some form of private humiliation. I'll go into detail later, because that word can be taken way out of the context I want it in, but right now we're keeping things simple anyway - a spanking all by itself can be humiliating. It doesn't take much to give me a sense of humiliation, and all it does is make me realize exactly what I'm supposed to be feeling and how I'm supposed to be acting. I suppose it gives me a feeling of being smaller than him, and enforces his authority and power. While it's hard while it's happening, afterwards I'm so thankful and happy with the way I feel.

OK I have to go, but those are my thoughts at the moment and I'll post more later.

129 more days!

2007-01-09T03:40:00.000-06:00

Well, I never re-wrote that post... but I have a good excuse!! LOL. We wanted to have the wedding in spring.., and that means SOON! So, I've been planning my heart away trying to make the next four months go by as stress-free as possible. It's filled up all my spare time, but things have really gone well. I've booked a photographer, a caterer, the location (not finalized, however), our honeymoon, chose the wedding party, and ordered my gown... yay!! 129 more days till we say "I do!"

And despite all that, D/s has not taken a seat on the back burner. As a matter of fact, we've actually been doing very well lately. I'm so proud of Rico... he's doing so well. Better than I can ever remember. This is usually the point where I start getting scared that things will go downhill... but I believe things are going to be alright this time.

We've been working on protecting each other. By that, I mean we've been guarding each others' hearts, taking up for each other in public, and speaking nothing but good things to other people about each other. You may think, "Well duh!" ... but it's truly been a struggle for us. When something doesn't go quite right, it's so easy to say something completely sarcastic, smart alec, and/or hurtful as an automatic response in front of others. It's so wrong... but most definitely something both of us have done repeatedly. And that has caused a lot of hurt on both our parts. The effect that can have on D/s is critical. Rico would try to publically correct me, but it would seem completely belittling and chavenistic rather than loving and right. Especially if he didn't think about the words he chose to say immediately. [insert major fight] OR, things could go the other way. I'd try to publically correct HIM... and of course, that would come off very disrespectful and totally unsubmissive. [insert major fight]

I've also been concentrating on being humble. When I can just keep a mindset of humility, it's amazing how different situations become, and how contrasting my reactions to things can be. Since being able to see this in myself, I've asked Rico to help me. After he's got my head where it should me, in a thought pattern of humility, all I want to do is sit at his feet. It's my utmost desire to please him. I'll talk more about this in my next post...

Love y'all, and I hope things have been going OK for everyone!

I'm Engaged!

2006-12-28T21:55:00.000-06:00

He proposed on Christmas Eve... and it was absolutely perfect. I'm so excited!!

Every year my family does a big bonfire next to the river for Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve. It's always a lot of fun, always at night, and Rico and I love it. Well, about two years ago at a Christmas Eve bonfire, I told him that since he and I loved the scenerio so much, that it would be the perfect place to propose. Since that night, we hadn't talked about it again. Well, we've been talking about getting married for a long time, but he gave me no hints as to when he planned to propose. It was always a pretty certain thing that this coming year we would get married, so by the Christmas weekend I assumed he wasn't going to do it on the holidays since I hadn't sensed anything different.

Christmas Eve came, and the rain poured like crazy. The family had all gotten together, but they were talking about not even lighting the fire due to sudden downpour. Well, my dad went to great extremes to try and get the thing lit. So, several gallons of gas and oil later, it caught fire! It was drizzling a little, and there was a breeze coming off the river. Rico and I were about 15 feet from the fire, and I was thinking about how much I loved the whole thing -that the drizzling effect left the scene artistically beautiful, when Rico moved closer to the fire. He called me over, and when I got there, he stared at me for a minute, and leaned in to kiss me. Now, my dad was a few feet away and so that freaked me out a little bit, and I glanced backward to see where he was looking. (In case you don't remember, my dad was totally against Rico and I being together at first, although he eventually became alright with it, but he's very strict.) Well, he had a video camera aimed at me! So I looked back at Rico, and Rico said, "Just kiss me!!" I did, and the ring was in his mouth.

After I pulled the ring out of my own mouth and my knees went weak in shock, he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I freaked out. It was perfect.

Yay!!

We'll be getting married in mid-late May. I can't wait!

(Sorry if this post is kind of sloppy; I'll probably redo it later.)

Pausing

2006-12-23T02:30:00.000-06:00

Just taking a pause in all the Holiday madness to let y'all know that I have NOT dissapeared again! I'm still here. =) I have even been doing pretty well on my commenting (I think!)! Hopefully I'll continue to be dilligent in all of this. I miss this "world."

Found a good site, and a good blog. I haven't had a chance to read a whole lot, but I was very excited to read what I could. So far it's extremely close to what I believe and it's really spurred me to begin shifting this blog into a more focused direction.

Christian Domestic Discipline

Christian Domestic Discipline - Leah's Blog

Outed - sort of

2006-12-19T01:14:00.000-06:00

I've had to come face to face with a whole lot of issues lately. It's been pretty rough... Instead of posting one giant post, I'll try to spread things out over a few though. For my whole theme here being a "journey," I've done a bad job of conveying that through my posts, but I'm going to try and get better.

First of all, part of this life Rico and I live was (involuntarily) revealed recently. It's a pretty long story, but, basically, two troublemakers found out that I like mild pain, ran to my dad with that information laced with exxagerations and lies, and he freaked out. I don't totally blame him; The Troublemakers used the term sadomasochistic. Have you looked up the definition for that word? Despite the fact that I like to be spanked, etc, and Rico likes to spank, etc, (and in essence those things can be labeled sadistic and masochistic) by the definitions I read, we are so far from sadomasochistic it's ridiculous to put that word on our preferences.

"sa·do·mas·o·chism [sey-doh-mas-uh-kiz-uhm, -maz-, sad-oh-] –noun

Interaction, esp. sexual activity, in which one person enjoys inflicting physical or mental suffering on another person, who derives pleasure from experiencing pain."

I don't know about y'all, but when I'm being spanked (non-discipline of course), there isn't a single bit of "suffering" going on. Can you imagine reading that from a vanilla person's point of view? Of course they think I'm mentally unstable - to enjoy suffering.

Or how about this one:

"sa·do·mas·o·chism [sey-doh-mas-uh-kiz-uhm, -maz-, sad-oh-] –noun

The combination of sadism and masochism, in particular the deriving of pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting or submitting to physical or emotional abuse."

Once again, I most certainly do NOT feel abused!! I don't even feel abused when the spanking is disciplinary. On the contrary, I feel extremely loved. When you hear the words "abuse" and "suffering," what comes to your mind?

Said Troublemakers found out through one of them spotting a bruise (my fault). However, I was stuck with the individual most of the day and interrogated relentlessley. The whole reason I even said that I liked mild pain was because the questioning was going towards the direction of real abuse. In the past, Rico and I have had issues with ridiculous abuse acusations aimed at him, and I absolutely was not about to let things go there again. So I tried to turn things on myself by asking, "What if I like it?" Bad idea.

That ordeal was two-three months ago. I'd almost pushed it out of my head... but then last week it all blew up in my face.

Like I was saying, I'm sure to just a regular vanilla person it would be quite shocking to read that definition. Now, imagine being the pastor of a church and hearing from someone that your daughter and her (soon to be) fiance are "sadomasochistic," and are going around advocating such things.

Yeah. That went real well. Still, and probably will be for a while, recovering from that conversation. Needless to say, the Troublemakers are on my own personal ignore-forever-list. Am I bitter? No; but I'm not stupid. Those are two people I don't intend to ever reveal any personal information to ever again.

CRIES

2006-10-21T23:06:00.000-05:00

I just signed into TWO of my (free) hotmail accounts and they were BOTH deactivated. *CRIES MY HEAD OFF* Both were the accounts I use in the D/d and D/s world, and in case it's never happened to you... that means all of my emails (new, old, and saved in folders) are completely gone. I feel sick.

Apparently I haven't signed in in over a month... so if you tried to send me something, please send it again.

I'm so upset; I can't believe I did that..

Not feeling goooddd...

2006-10-15T23:47:00.000-05:00

I'm not feeling too great. Stupid allergies with the weather changing have really got my head feeling like a balloon. I really hate my sinuses, lol. Grr...

But, I'm still here. Just busy, tired, and dealing with a cold. Hope y'all are all doing great. =)

I'll try to post a story or picture in the next day or so. Love y'all.

Panties!

2006-10-07T00:43:00.000-05:00

Hehehe. =)

So many different Tops/Doms/Masters, so many tastes.

How do you like yours?

See through, lace, or lightly colored?
Dark, lacy, or otherwise frilly/sexy?
Plain Cotton or none at all?
Thongs or V-string?

Assuming you chose 1-3, during a spanking do you like them:

Wedged
Just under the butt
At the knees or lower
Completely gone

Rico is a diehard-thong-lover, but lately he's getting a taste for regular panties because of the whole wedging possibility. I probably had something to do with that... My fascination with it has to do with the psychology behind the steps involved. Spanking over them, wedging them up and spanking some more, then pulling them down and spanking... in exactly that order... yum. There's just something about that whole process that I just love... and I guess I just rubbed off on Rico. *weg*

Of course, that only applies to the GOOD ones. If that were to happen during a bad one (and this is only hypothetical because it hasn't yet), it would probably humiliate and embarrass me instead. I imagine each step would hike up my anxiety a few notches as well... nah, I don't think it would be fun at all.

Anyway. It's amazing how big an influence panties have on spankings, hmm?

Tears

2006-09-26T01:01:00.000-05:00

I'm not the kind of person who cries for very many reasons. More the past year than ever before, but still not very much. When I do cry, it is a big release for me because I have such a bad problem with keeping things pent up. And once it starts, it's hard to stop it. I believe that my being able to cry more this year has a whole lot to do with having D/d and D/s implemented in my life. Walls have had to come down from around my heart, and I've had to become a lot more open. Some of it was forced, some of it voluntary, but all of it has been for the better.

Yet, I haven't cried from a spanking or a punishment. Not that I've had that much experience in the spanking department.., but still. I'd like to. It seems like as the days go by I crave more and more that scenario. Being spanked to tears, being scolded to tears.., etc. Sure, it's a common fantasy, but that doesn't change the fact that I can't wait to fulfill it. When I'm feeling guilty is when it's the worst.

Tonight I really wanted to cry.., err... be made to cry. My butt is pretty sore still from the self-spanking, but Rico decided I needed more because, yet again, I forgot a rule today. I was pretty upset at myself for that, so I willingly accepted his judgement. While he was able to be here, he used a sturdy, plastic ruler, aimed right at my sit-spots where the most damage was done during my self-spanking. It really stung the heck out of me, but I stayed very still and let him do what he had to with the time we had. Even though I was standing still on my own, eventually he told me not to move at all, and that was harder than I thought it would be. Somehow, though, I grit my teeth and it happened. He was going to try using his belt, but didn't really have time so was only able to get a couple good strokes in. Once he was home, he called and had me put clips on my nipples (remember..: heavy-duty clothes pins) for twenty minutes. Ow. And even after all that, I still wished that he could have been there to spank me until I cried. The guilt was still there. Besides time and tears, I can't think of another way to get rid of it.

~~~

I try to categorize my misdeeds and the problems I'm working on into three things (that I'm sure nearly all of you have heard of): Disobedience, Dishonesty, or Disrespect. Which one does memory go into? Either disobedience or disrespect I suppose... Since Rico has asked me to do the things I forget, it's disobedience when I fail. However, by not prioritizing his will above other things, it's also a form of disrespect. Lol, it's a good thing all that doesn't really matter, huh? Too many people get caught up in words, I believe, and it bogs things down to chaos. Susie A wrote a good post on just that: The "Contract" and Other Thoughts.

Phone S.....

2006-09-23T21:39:00.000-05:00

......panking?!

I know I've posted about self-spanking before somewhere on here. It's not too fun; but, things get a to a point where alternative discipline is the only option, I suppose, and that's one of ours. Errr, Rico's...

I hadn't really done anything too bad... Memory problems mainly, lol. I just have to have the worst memory ever! Anyway. Rico decided he'd had enough of all that, and wanted to give me a little "motivation" to prioritize things better in my mind. On top of that, he's been getting onto me about some of the clothes I wear. I'm not a very immodest person at all when it comes to how I dress, but sometimes I suppose I'm a bit careless, and Rico doesn't like it one bit.

Since neither of my misdemeanors were deliberate, the tone Rico took, when it came time for my punishment, wasn't a cruel or mean one. And maybe it was just in my head, but I think I sensed a lot of play there too? *weg*

The "implements" he sent me for were: the infamous drumstick, my plastic hairbrush, and a needle[!!!].

"Do you have everything?" He asked me gently.
"Yes Sir..." By this time I was starting to really get nervous and shaky. I was absolutely dreading that wretched drumstick, and that needle... *shivers*
"Alright, pull down your pants and panties, and get in position." He paused for a moment while I did all that. "OK. I want you to start with the hairbrush. Spank your cheeks hard enough to hurt, back and forth, staying in the same spot, until I tell you to stop."
"Yes Sir..." *DEEP breath* and... SMACK. Yeouch!! The first blow is always the shocker. After a few minutes, I got into a rythm and even when a really ouchie lick would happen, I'd still push on and deliver the next one. Over the phone Rico could hear perfectly well. I don't know how long this first part lasted, but I lost count of the strokes. When he finally spoke again, my cheeks were tingling and starting to burn pretty good.

"Alright, now take the needle and poke the tender part of your thighs, just under your butt. Press hard and try to make it go through that very first layer of skin. Twenty on each side."
*whimper...* "Yes Sir..."
And so I did. Every now and then, MAN, that sonofagun would really hit a nerve and hurt a lot more than I thought it would. There were only a few times where I felt the slight give as the point stabbed through the surface skin.

"OK I'm done." I said quickly with a sigh of relief.
"Now get the drumstick and spank that same spot - right where your thighs meet your butt. You can move only slightly, but try to stay pretty consistent. Do it hard, and don't stop till I tell you to."
Another deep, shaky breath, "Yes Sir."
SWISH POP! OW, ow... ow, ow, ow... Have I mentioned that I hate that stupid drumstick? Dang it that thing hurts. After a while, my whole body was shaking from having to force myself to keep control. Up until this point, I'd been lying on my stomach and spanking myself in a twisted up sort of way. But, as I kept up the spanking with that drumstick, my shoulder started to ache a whole lot. I mentioned it to Rico, but pressed on until that part was over.

Usually when someone beeps in on the other line, it irritates me, but this time I was overjoyed. However, that was short lived when Rico came back. To my shock, he told me to switch back to the hairbrush, but that he'd be leaving for a few minutes and wanted me to continue spanking myself while he was gone and until he came back. WHAT?! It really took me by surprise, and all I could do was say "Yes Sir." What in the world!? I kept thinking... What if he can't get through on these dumb cell phones for some reason? What if something happens and he's gone for longer than he thought he'd be? What if, what if, what if?

I don't know what came over me, but for some reason I actually obeyed... (I know - someone kick me please, lol) I switched to the "diaper" position, and honestly whacked my own butt for the next SEVENTEEN minutes. Did you hear me? SEVENTEEN MINUTES! By the time he called me back, I was drained, exhausted, and my butt had started going numb.

"Did you do what I told you?" He asked me.
"Yes Sir. I only just stopped when you called..."
I think I heard a surprised little "hmm," but that could have been in my head again. *g*
"I'm proud of you, my slave."
That made everything worth it right there... and then the break was over.
"Alright, Sweetheart, get the needle again and do the inside of your thighs and inbetween your legs, up and down, the same as last time, until I say stop." Ugghhh... and so went the next five to ten minutes or so. Those were really hard, and this punishment session was beginning to go past the lengths I'd expected it to. I felt my mindset slipping into a much more submissive one as the minutes passed, though. I heard myself squeaking and whimpering, involuntarily, every now and then. It was crazy to actually think about how I looked and the ridiculousness of me doing it to myself. I tried not to - it definitely took away from the headspace I was finally reaching.

"OK, you can stop."
I let out a huge sigh of relief and almost threw that needle, but decided better of it.
"Now get the drumstick again."
A pitiful, "Yes Sir" from me.
"This time you can spank more on your cheeks, but hit the same spot over and over again. Do it almost as hard as you can, and until I say stop."

The first strike was, once again, SHOCKING. The last time I'd used the drumstick was in the on-my-stomach position. This time, I was in the diaper-position. In case you can't visualize that, it makes things more... complicated. Because the drumstick is a lot longer than the hairbrush, I really had to take a moment to figure things out at first. A couple stray licks were enough to get that through to me. EEEYII!!! Little did I know, those stray licks, under slightly difference circumstances, would become my goal.

Every once and a while, when the only sound was the drumstick punishing my tender flesh, Rico would say something encouraging, or ask a question like, "Will you think about things more from now on? And try harder to remember the rules?" just to keep my head where it should be. Soon, he decided that was enough with the drumstick, but he wanted it to end with significance. So, twenty more, as hard as I could, to each side... and it was finally over. At least, the spanking-on-my-butt part.

"I love you, my slave. I'm very proud of you." Rico said sweetly.
"Thank you, my Master." I replied unsteadily. My body was still shaking as I dropped the drumstick and regrouped.
"Do you have anything that would be stingy and flexible, but not heavy at all?" Uh oh. Where is this going...
"I have one of those bendable rulers." I replied somewhat hesitantly.
"That should work. Alright, now I want you to spank yourself between your legs and on the inside of your thighs fifteen times each. Make it hurt."
Eeeeeeeekkkkkk... Remember how I said the stray licks would become my goal? WWWOOOUUUCH. That was REALLY hard. Rico really had to push me to get that to happen. Just try it one day, you'll totally understand! It took me a while. And once that was over, he had even more in store for me.

"Now spank your tits. Go back and forth, right above and right on your nipples, until I tell you to stop."
You see, I really thought that would be easier than the previous task, however... I found out that my nipples were HIGHLY sensitive to that evil ruler. MY GOSH!! (Of course, the sensitivety probably had to do with the needle and pinching nipples section I accidentally left out of this post)...Rico had to push me through that one too. Thankfully, he didn't have me do it for very long before ending with ten "good" ones.

At last, my punishment came to a close. Insane, maybe, but I felt so much better that he had me do all that instead of continuing to put it all off until we had a real-life chance to deal with things.. I think I even liked it a little... but, that was probably in my head as well. *G*

So You Want a Master...

2006-09-21T01:12:00.000-05:00

But do you want the hard times that come with it..?

I can't speak for everyone else, but there have been some rough little stages Rico and I have had to go through adjusting to this lifestyle. I'm sure that our situation doesn't help a whole lot, but the ideal has taken a lot to get used to in itself. However, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Despite the growing pains, the respective roles of D/d and D/s are PERFECT for us... you know how sometimes things just click? It's been a breath of fresh air. A filler for that missing link between us.

Obviously, we had rocky patch there for a little bit... it wasn't fun, but I'm glad it happened because we worked some things out that needed to be worked out. Lots of changing had to take place, but it was all for the better because things are wonderful now. For a while we definitely slacked off the lifestyle, and now we're finally getting back to normal. It's nice... I missed it.

I missed being to his right all the time, asking permission to do different things, seeing the proud look in his eyes when I obey, hearing that "Dom" voice he gets when I push lines, and even his sharp reprimand when I do push them too far.

So to answer that first question to myself, I do and we will make it.

~~~

I've been reading about the Shadowlane party, and also on C's Correction about gettogethers and meeting other people like us... and I just can't wait till Rico and I can do all that one day!! It won't be long. =)

The Layout?

2006-09-17T23:19:00.000-05:00

Well? I think I like it. Everything is right except for the post font - for some reason, when I save the layout, it saves in this hard to read font... but in the previews it's the font I actully want. So, obviously something is cancelling my script out... and I can't figure out what it is. *GRR* Any suggestions? Lol... Oh, and for those of you who remember my frustration with the link color last time - I finally got it!!!! YAY!

Hope everything's going well for you all. :)

EDIT: Scratch that. This one is doing fine? What in the world...

The "Second"

2006-09-14T10:36:00.000-05:00

Ok, I have some time today so I'm gunna go ahead and tell y'all about my second-real-spanking-experience. =)

Rico and I had gone over to a friend's house one night. We'd taken separate vehicles and been there for a while. After a movie, some snacks, and a good 'ole time, we decided we should head on to the house. Now, the house we were at was out in the country, and they had this one little road the V'ed off of the main road and went out into even deeper country where there were hardly any houses. Lots of trees, gravel, and dirt. Well, Rico and I were on the phone with each other as we passed that little road, and all of a sudden I had a plan.

"I think I need a spanking..." I said in an almost-whisper.
"Hmmm... I think you do too. Where can we do it at?"
"You know that little road we just passed?" I asked tentatively.
"Yeah. Go ahead and turn around."

All of a sudden the flock of butterflies hit me. Part of me really didn't think he'd go for it, and was suddenly in shock. The other part got a rush out of the whole idea. So, I turned around at the next driveway.

Up until this point, there had been almost no talking at all. I think he was in some kind of shock too that we were both really going to this little dirt road for a spanking.

"Ready for your spanking, Love?" He asked gently.
"Yes, Sir..."
"Good... This will be a hard one. I think you've been asking for a good reminder, who's who spanking for a few days now."
"*sigh* I know."

And that was about all we could fit in before we'd made it back to that road and turned down there into the darkness. We thought about turning the lights out, but then we thought about all the crazy kids on fourwheelers, and stupid people speeding down these little roads, and decided we didn't want a lawsuit over a spanking, so we left them on. By the time I unbuckled my seatbelt and climbed out of my car, I was starting to shake slightly.

At first, Rico was just going to climb in his truck and I would go right over his lap. But, the main road was behind us and he wanted to be able to see if people were coming. So, I leaned over the driver side seat instead. It was probably better for the atmosphere Rico was trying to establish that I wasn't over his knees at this point. He wanted it pretty serious, and it was easier to get that way bending over the seat.

"I'm going to start off with my hand, and then I'm going to switch to my belt. Alright?"
"Yes Sir." I mumbled back.
I was wearing warm-up type pants, and so he slipped his fingers in the band and pulled them right down. Despite the fact that there were only woods behind me, it was still weird having my butt displayed to the whole world. For a minute he rubbed my goose-bumping behind and lower back. I guess it was pretty obvious how nervous I was. Then the first slap came. It wasn't too bad at first, but as we all know...things build up. Before long, it was stinging pretty bad. But, I wasn't having any problems with staying still. I had a thong on, and it offered no protection whatsoever.

After a while, my knees started shaking badly. I don't know if I'm the only one who does it or not, but when I'm fighting pain, my body will just start shaking like crazy. Anyway... I turned around really quick and asked if he could sit on the edge of the seat and I would bend over one of his knees. He nodded and traded places really quick. I grabbed the door jamb for support, and hauled myself over. Now I was practically on my tip-toes, and could almost touch the ground with my hand. Before, his aim was constrained to the tops of my thighs and cheeky part of my butt, but now the inside of the tops of my thighs, and more of the inside of my cheeks were vulnerable to his aim. UGGGhhhh... somehow his slaps were targeted in the perfect way for his fingers to pop right down on all those sensitive spots. Over and over, and over and over again. After a while of that, other leg muscles started doing the shaky thing and I was about to totally lose my balance. So I stood up and told him, and we switched places again.

This time, I heard him unbuckling his belt. The accessories that had lined it, phone, knife, etc, were then on the seat in front of me, and I heard him pull the belt out of the last couple loops. My whole body shivered and all the goosebumps came back. Once again, he rubbed my butt every-so-gently.

"It's really hot." He murmured, "You ready?"
"Yes Sir" I choked out.

Swish, SMACK. The belt nearly took my breath away. I could feel my butt swell after the first five lashes, and I knew the heat was just radiating off of the surface. I finally began having trouble staying still. I wanted to do good, though, so I tried to limit the movement to just shifting my weight back and forth. It didn't help much. I eventually lost count of the lashes, and had buried my face in the seat cover I gripped for dear life.

"Who am I?" I heard him ask through the smacks. For a moment my mind just raced. It's amazing how they ask things like that in the midst of a serious, very painful spanking, and expect a nice, sane answer.
Well, shockingly, it came to me, "My Master." I said through gritted teeth.
"That's right. I love you."
"I love you too." I gasped, noticing that the belt was falling harder and harder.

Before long, I was quite sure I couldn't take anymore. I couldn't cry, but I sure wanted to, "Please please... that's enough! I can't, I can't!"
I think I repeated that phrase about ten times. I must've started moving around a lot, because Rico put his free arm around my waist, and braced my legs with one of his. My legs were slightly parted in the brace, and I felt the tip of the belt smack the tops of the inside of my thighs several times. I knew I couldn't yell because we were outside, and for some reason I couldn't cry, but I begged my head off.

Finally, Rico answered my cries, "Ten more with the belt, and then I'm going to finish with my hand. Alright?."
I took a deep breath of relief, and realized that my knuckles were bone white from gripping the material so hard, before I answered him, "Yes Sir."
"Ok, don't move."
He let go of my waist and released the bind on my legs. I think it was more to allow for a harder swing than to test my resolve not to move, because after getting harder and harder that whole time, these were by-far the hardest!
The whimpers that escaped were totally unstoppable. When he finally reached ten, I thought the tears would finally come.. but they still didn't. He paused for a minute before going straight to his hand, and tenderly kissed the flaming hot skin he'd just whipped the heck out of. He placed his hands on the sides of my punished cheeks and kissed all over. His wet, cool lips felt ridiculously good.

The hand spanking wasn't nearly as bad as the belt, and I have to admit that it finished things off well. When it was all over with, I stood up and he just held me so close in his arms. He kissed my forehead, my nose, my cheeks, and gently rubbed my bottom with his hand. It felt like it was about ten times it's normal size. Especially when he pulled my warm-ups back up. EESSH. That's when I noticed the hard, leathery feel as well.

Both of us needed to get home, so that was about the end of that encounter, but definitely one to remember for a long, long time. We haven't had another chance for a *REAL* spanking since, and despite how sore and black and blue I was after that, I can't wait for the next one. =)

SIGH

2006-08-31T04:06:00.000-05:00

I won't even try to apologize again... just say that I really hope I'm here to stay (at least for a while) this time! Ahh... so much craziness has happened. A freak ER visit, a really bad time between Rico and I, work stuff for both of us, all of my wisdom teeth taken out,
a wonderful vacation, etc, etc.......... trust me, it all added up after a while.

I hope people still visit here, lol, I've been gone for way too long. I had no idea it had really been over a month... that's crazy. And to think, at one time I really and truly wanted to try to post almost every day. Not gunna happen. But, things are pretty normal right now... so some regularity is possible I believe!

Since it's 4 in the morning and I really should be asleep, I won't let y'all completely in on it right now... but I had a "SECOND"! "REAL" spanking, that is. It happened not too long after the first one to tell the truth, but I remember every second and I promise to tell all about it. This one wasn't quite as "fun" though... it might have started out that way, but it ended as more of a "Who's Who" spanking. Or, in other words, a spanking that let me know who the boss was/is - it wasn't/isn't me.

Anyway, how about a new look? Tired of this layout yet?? Hmmmm....... Let me know!

A first!!

2006-07-13T23:15:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm sorry I've been gone so freaking much. This summer has been ridiculously hectic... lots and lots of friends and kids everywhere, plus working more, church...etc. But, Rico and I are great, life is pretty good, and nothing bad has happened. =) However, something wonderful DID happen. ;)

As most of you know... our D/d - D/s life isn't exactly normal; very confined and shaped around our lives' circumstances and our convictions. SO, it's not ever day that a spanking is actually carried out and, when it is, it's usually strained, quick, and for punishment purposes only. Weeellll.... *big smile* The other day that finally changed. At least for a few minutes... hehehehe.

Somehow, Rico and I found ourselves at a waterpark with some of our friends and siblings. Honestly, we weren't thinking about D/s at all...lol...at first anyway........... but then the day went on. *G* At about the same time everyone left us, Rico started joking that I needed a good spanking in my little swimshorts... and so on, and so on. Then all of a sudden it dawned on us that we could just go somewhere in the park and he could give me that spanking. After a few more moments of deliberation, we decided to leave the park and actually go out to the parking lot where our vehicles were parked.

It was really strange having, for the first time ever, all the time we needed to do whatever we wanted. So, we climbed in the van, locked the doors, and headed to the back. As Rico took his seat, I noticed that two men, a couple cars away, had suspiciously migrated to the side of their car and were staring intently towards the van. After pointing them out to Rico, we decided to watch them for a moment and sure enough, they moved a little closer...and then a little closer...and then circled the van, glancing inside the windows. Rico and I laughed, but continued to sit innocently until they got bored and went away. Ew??? Little did they know that they were about to witness NOT a young couple's sex endeavor, but a spanking session. ROFL. Looking back, it almost would've been worth the embarrassment to see their shocked faces.
Anyway.

After the two perverts left us alone, Rico motioned for me to lay across his lap. Sincerely wanting this to be the much-needed-and-longed-for-true-spanking we both wanted it to be, Rico had me pull my cover-up shorts down, but left my swimshorts on and pulled them up to reveal only the spankable part of my cheeks. I took a deep, nervous breath...and it began. It truly terrified me at first to finally realize that it was all up to Rico - not circumstances, not time, not people... RICO. He could spank his little heart out and *I* had willingly put *myself* at his mercy. AHH.

And for those of you who were just grinning their heads off at the idea of me finally getting my recently-wet-butt toasted (you know who you are) yes... it did sting! Lol. But, I loved every incredible second of it. He used only his hand, but it was fine by me. By the time he finished, his grin, chuckle, and sly comment about my butt being purply, were enough to satisfy my curiosity. For the moment anyway.

Alas... I hadn't quite had enough. Even after, on our way back into the park, we encountered the two perverts again - intently staring at my butt! That was about the time we both double and trible checked that my cover-up shorts were actually COVERING the purpled cheeks beneath them. They were, thank GOD.

Later on, Rico decided (with a little persuasive whispering on my part) that I definitly needed more before we had to leave. But this time, it would be with his belt and it would be very hard - as much as he wanted to give me. I just thought I was nervous and slightly scared before. HA. My insides felt like melting jello.

By the time I laid myself down on the floorboard of the van, where a seat had coincidentally been removed, I had chills running down my spine. This time when my shorts came down and my swimshorts went up, I thought I my heart was going to spill through the floor and all over the concrete. However, the first lash of his belt brought me back to reality. Amazingly, I kept my hands still, but I couldn't help kicking my feet some. Rico fixed that by kneeling on the backs of my thighs. I didn't cry, I couldn't, but I was definitely squeaking and telling him that I couldn't do it over and over again by the time he said "Ten more." Those ten more were INSANE. He really smacked the heck out of my already-punished cheeks. I didn't even want to know what my butt looked like when he let me up that time. But I was so happy... I just hugged him so tight and kisses him so hard...

Deep inside I had this little bit of fear that one day I'd get that real spanking and I'd realize that I didn't like it that much afterall... well, that little waterpark experience disproved all that.

I am most definitely a total spanko... *G*

Love y'all.

Waiting...

2006-06-20T22:18:00.000-05:00

Is she sad? Regretful?
Perhaps she's only submissive; slightly apprehensive?
Tired and bored?
Or already asleep?
Lol. I'm not sure..... =)

Strength and Love

2006-06-19T21:31:00.000-05:00

It takes your strength to make me fear;
To thrill my heart, to purge my tears.
Deep inside I need to break;
I need to hurt, I need to ache.

But then I want your loving hands
To pull me back, to hold me in;
Your sweet voice here in my ears,
Soothing my soul, drying my tears.

Asking?

2006-06-06T22:36:00.000-05:00

I recently read an article over on LDD about "asking" to be spanked for discipline (or stress relief) purposes. Well, I've done it a few times. And felt absolutely insane. So many thoughts can run through your head... will he think I just want to be spanked and that it won't be a punishment at all? Will he think I'm nuts for wanting such a thing? This is so unreal! And the list goes on...

Sometimes, I'll get up the nerve to ask... then totally trip out right in the middle or right before it happens. Lol, I learned a valuable lesson about myself this past week... when sick, my pain tolerance absolutely PLUMMETS. I was feeling sort of stressed out and knew I needed/wanted a spanking... so I asked for it. My GOSH... a few *seconds* into a hand spanking *over jean capris* had me squirming completely out of his grip. I'm sure the fact that my capris were damp from accidentally soaking myself with water a little earlier didn't help...or that they were fairly tight... but still. That's just sad.

I wonder how many people really do ask for the not-so-good spankings and then make it without chickening out? -_0

On a lighter note, Rico and I have been doing GREAT. We've managed to have only one miscommunication, and it wasn't even a bad one, since the last time I wrote in here... that's a major plus for us, lol. We're growing up a lot, and it's so very nice... =)

Well, I'm working on a couple pictures I started drawing the other day... it's interesting... not quite what I wanted them to be, but nice anyway. I plan to post them as soon as I have time to really finish. I think y'all will enjoy them.

Hope everyone is doing great and had a wonderful Memorial day.

Sick and spanko genes

2006-05-27T23:33:00.000-05:00

My allergies finally got the best of me this week, at least that's what I'd like to think it was... Either way, I've come down with some sort of sinus-dripping-coughing-snotty-feverish-headachy-nasty cold and it's really starting to irritate me. Rico keeps telling me to take it easy - but I'm finding that extremely difficult to do. Sometimes things just have to be done. I guess our definitions of "what just HAS to be done" differs... *weg* I've managed to stay out of real trouble though. Guess the fact that this cold is lingering is punishment enough in itself ... *siiiigghhhhh*

We've managed to communicate pretty well lately... last night we finally got to talk a good long time and really lay our hearts out. He's noticed that I've been trying hard to work on my attitude when he's irritable or things aren't going very well.
I suppose I've really been thinking hard about just how much I trust him... and about that last little bit of control I just can't seem to give up. I want to... I really do.

~~~

LOL I overheard a part of conversation between my second youngest brother (B2) and his girlfriend (Gf) the other day... it blew my mind. I now firmly believe that spanko-ism runs in the genes:

B2: I'm getting eaten alive by the bugs out here...
Gf: Well, when we get off the phone you're going straight in the house.
B2: Well Yes, Mam! What if I don't?
Gf: Hmmm... *giggle*
B2: Are you going to spank me...? *pause* Please??
Gf: *laugh* Maybe...
B2: Please? At least a slap on the hand? How about that?
Gf: *more laughing and another "hmmm"*
B2: OK ok... I'll go in the house.

~~~

The D/s Roller Coaster

2006-05-22T01:09:00.000-05:00

Alright so things haven't been going too wonderfully lately. We've been arguing a lot... this last week has held many long nights full of words.

And I'm tired... I despise fighting and arguing with everything within me. With everyone else I try my darndest to avoid conflict, but it's just inescapable inside a close relationship.

I want so badly to follow his rules.., to make him happy; sometimes I just get so scared. Deep down inside I need to submit, but why is it so hard? Lately I've found myself choking at simply saying "Sir." He frustrates me more, and it's like he doesn't care as much as he used to - but I know in my heart that he does with everything within him. It doesn't help that we don't see each other every day. The vast amount of miscommunication we've been having hasn't helped much either.

Like today. We've talked in the past, more than once, about what to do if I start saying or doing things in public that he deems disrespectful, just doesn't like, are rude, etc, and wants me to stop... apparently we both have short term memory.

Well, I had a plate of food and a drink and had gone out to sit on the porch with some friends. I set a chair up next to the railing so that I could use it as a sort of table. Since he was somewhere in the house doing something or another, it didn't even cross my mind to sit to where I could be on his right or directly facing him (one of our rules).
So, he comes outside and instead of sitting in front of me next to the railing, he sits off in one of the chairs to my far right tells me to get up and go over there. I didn't want to because that meant picking up my plate, glass, and chair after I'd gotten all situated, but I did it. However, I pushed my chair kinda hard and it flipped over. He thought I was throwing a fit (which I didn't realize till later) and so he frowned at me and asked me what my problem was. I said, "Not a thing," or something to that effect pretty sarcastically even though I wasn't really mad.

I continued eating and chatting, then he started being smart alec about some things. So I joined in. Then all of a sudden, he told me seriously, "Stop being smart alec." in front of all those people... after he was being just as smart alec? I thought we were just joking? So I stared at him and asked, "Why? You were just doing the same thing?" And he told me to stop it again and started glaring at me. I was pretty confused, but I stopped and tried to change the subject and move on. Unfortunately, he thought I was blowing him off. Not long after, he left.

Come to find out, he was just trying to stop the joking before it became disrespectful and he didn't mean to publically humiliate me. And when he asked me to move, he didn't think there was room for him to sit between me and the next person sitting along the rail.

*sigh* So you see... miscommunication. There are a few more details, but I didn't want to bore y'all to death. It took a couple hours for us to straighten that all out. By the time we talked, I was pretty upset. The fear that if I "let" him he'll be my dad all over again started creeping in. I was feeling like he was being lazy and pushy with the chair thing, double minded and cruel with the public reprimand, and uncaring when he left. Little did I know he was feeling a lot of things from his viewpoint as well; especially disrespected. I'm fairly certain it wouldn't have been as big a deal had I not already been dealing with my dad's mood swing over the weekend.

I need to move. I'm almost positive that if Rico and I lived out in the middle of nowhere absolutely alone, we'd get along just fine. LOL.

I'm sure there are other people out there whose pasts hold a lot of weight in how D/s goes for them...or at least it did at one time... and many more who have experienced a roller coaster period influenced by just whatever.
So... if you have tips and opinions on dealing with miscommunication in a D/s light, they're much appreciated.

Would a good sub/slave never question her Master's motives? Perhaps if I never did that, or if I went straight to him with my concerns instead of assuming things, we'd avoid a lot of arguments.

Marks

2006-05-17T23:10:00.000-05:00

Some people are turned off and get all queasy over bruises, harsh welts, and especially things like blood blisters, slight cuts, etc. But Rico and I... lol, let's just say, it's a good thing I'm OK with all that because Rico feels the need to leave "his marks" on me almost every time he sees me. When I see the purply-blue-yellowish bruises surfacing on my butt and thighs, I just smile. I'm proud of those marks... They were put there by my man.., my Sir.., my Master.

What is it with feeling the need to mark what is your own? And why does "your own" feel SO special to be marked? I'm sure all of you went through that stage in childhood where you wrote your name on everything; and how many times have you decorated something that's belonged to you? Have you ever recieved or given a hickey? How about a ring or another type of jewlery? All of those were different marks... They created a sense of belonging, ownership, acceptance, connection...

My butt may be all the colors of the rainbow and then some, but I'm loving every moment of it because I know how loved I am.

OH, BTW: Use a drumstick to get marks quickly and without very much force. Hmph.

*WEG*

Past mental abuse and D/s..

2006-05-08T21:58:00.000-05:00

When you're in a heated discussion with your significant other and every single time you constantly battle thoughts like: "I'm such a screw up," "He thinks I'm an absolute emotional wreck," "I can't ever do anything right," "He doesn't really care, he's just saying that so he doesn't lose me," "He's twisting everything I'm saying," "This will just lead to ___ and ___ in the future," "He's going to be just like ___ was..," "He's being hypocritical and double-minded."

... you know you've got some baggage inside. It happens to me every time...and worse. And not a single bit of it is true. But it's what's been drilled into my head my whole, entire life. Finally, I'm coming to terms with it.

It's rather humbling to admit that you really do have problems. I never wanted to say it... It seemed selfish and irresponsible to blame my issues on anyone, or anything, except myself and the things I have done. So many times I have watched people use their pasts as a crutch for their present; an excuse for their actions and their biting tongues. That's not the type of person I want to be - I believe that everyone should take full responsibility for who they are in word and deed.

But when you can't understand why you feel the way you do sometimes, and why things get so horribly confused and painful... it's sort of free-ing to your tortured mind to think, "These automatic thoughts and actions are results of my past...and they will go away with time and effort."

A lot of times Rico's words and actions will get misconstrued between the moment they leave him and the instant they reach me. My head flashes back, my sensitivities highten, I see resemblences in what's being done, or said, and I immediately merge the present with the past. It's horrible. Something inside me just absolutely panics, and I become terrified of being broken to pieces. I throw up every sort of defense you can possibly imagine.

I'm not sure I would ever advise anyone who's had a physically abusive or mentally abusive past to get into a D/s relationship... It's so hard sometimes. But then again, it's helping me to get past it all and the positives soooooo outweigh the negatives. I guess it would have to be a case by case determination.

Trust. Clear communication. Unconditional love. Those are the vitals...without those, D/s couldn't survive.

~~~

It's difficult to find the words to express something like this. Sure I could be blunt, but I could also be much more detailed and descriptive. However, being too frank could cause confusion and easily portray something I'm not trying to present, and being too descriptive could give away information I'm not comfortable with revealing.

I hate putting my dad in a bad light. It's slanderous and paints a picture of him I don't want people seeing. But then I think, facts are facts... and it's not like you all will ever meet him to even feel awkward because of what I've said here.
So, I don't know... I think I overthink things. Actually, I know I do. And I know why. But we won't go there... let's just say, it's another one of those defense mechanisms my mind throws up to deflect accidentally saying the wrong thing in the wrong way.
Anyway...

I know that was more like rambling, but maybe it will help me sort things out better for the future.

Back to D/d & D/s

2006-05-07T21:25:00.000-05:00

Ever since we started this, so many walls have come down. I used to be able to go through day to day life without really getting upset and hurt. But it was only because I had a cabillion and two walls thrown up to protect myself. Now it feels like Rico has helped me to slowly tear them all down and what's left is this very sensitive, very vulnerable part of me. And I'm not so sure that's a good thing...

Yet, if I weren't that way, would I be able to be as open with him? Would I still feel like I could tell him anything or would I stop telling him everything in order to protect my own feelings? I suppose the real question is: "Is it worth the hurt, the sensitivity, and the vulnerability to experience the freedom of total submission and nothing ever hidden inside?" I think so.

Sometimes it seems as every good thing has its own bad counterpart. I think that's how love is. When you love on a surface level, you feel on a surface level and can only be hurt to a certain point. But when you love with everything inside you, then you're able to feel with your entire being, and hurt extremely deeply.

~~~

I'm writing a story that I plan to post soon... and I'm writing one focused on how I became a spanko. I'd thought about it so much, and could never keep my mind from drifting off with me and confusing everything until I read a post by SNN. Suddenly, everything sort of "clicked" and I'm just trying to put it into words now. I'm also trying to write something on past mental and emotional abuse and how it can effect a Ds and/or Dd relationship.

Majorly frustrated...

2006-05-01T23:39:00.000-05:00

EDITED (scroll down).

This has made me so sick to my stomach - it's so hard to believe it's real.

2 Teens Charged in Attack at Texas Party

I want to point out a couple things - apparently there had to be witnesses for the press to know what "epithets" were shouted during the attack (which has been stated in every account I've read). AND IF there were freaking witnesses, someone please, for HEAVEN'S SAKE, explain to me why this kid wasn't found any sooner than TWELVE HOURS LATER?! OR WHY IN GOD'S NAME nobody did a THING about it what was happening!??! The boy's age changes from story to story - so there's no telling what his real age is. I have read everywhere from 15 to 17-years-old. I have also read that the pipe was broken off to a sharp point on one end, and that the beating occured out in the yard behind the house.

And it gets worse:

Hispanic Beaten at Party Also Burned

*cries*

I'm not sure why this is on my heart so heavily... I've always been able to shake off and put horror stories out of my mind - true and false. This one is sticking though and I'm not sure what to do but pray. So please ... pray with me.

I'm sorry [or maybe NOT], but if it were up to me there would be two less wannabe-murderers in this world.

~~~
(EDITED IN:)
~~~

A [partial] comment from reader, "Chevaliersg":

"In the history of Texas there are many such incidents as these. Yes, there are many stories of such abuse.

I'm sorry to see and to say that things aren't getting any better. The law may "clamp down" and have "zeron tolerance" for such acts but the law can only go so far.

Such prejudice and the sense of entitlement that comes with it to do violence is taught, nurtured, and instilled in the young. Nurture or Nature, it makes no difference if parents are not willing to teach tolerance and respect.

Years ago, Texas had a "cause celebre" case of the Hannigan Brothers (Texas brothers who were the heirs to the Dairy Queen fortune) who tortured, maimed, and left for dead several Mexicans who'd crossed the border illegally.

After nearly two years of trying to prosecute them the brothers went before a court and were charged with "malicious mischief". There sentence? A 100,00 dollar fine and time served.

I'd though this would be the only incident of such cruelty, but I see it still goes on.

As long as one race thinks itself above another, as long as man practices inhumanity to man it will go on.

Teach your children well. Show them that this cannot be tolerated or acceptable.

Eliminate these two murderers and you have dozens, hundreds, maybe even thousands more waiting in the wings.

Kill the idea, and they will have no followers to take their place."

~~~

"If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” you do well; but if you show partiality, you commit sin..," - James 2:8-9a

"I charge you before God and the Lord Jesus Christ and the elect angels that you observe these things without prejudice, doing nothing with partiality." 1 Timothy 5:21

"But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy." -James 3:17

Tagged and a link

2006-04-28T19:26:00.000-05:00

SNN tagged me like a week ago... and I'm finally getting around to doing it! Sorry about that - so here goes:

20 years ago I...
1. Wasn't alive - oops, bet some of you were surprised by that one.
2.
3.

10 years ago I...
1. Was carefree.
2. Was a complete TomBoy.
3. Fell out of a tree and fractured both my wrists, but never went to a hospital or even told my dad.

5 years ago I...
1. Was addicted to the internet (some things never change, lol).
2. Learned to play guitar.
3. Fought off suicidal thoughts and hatred.

3 years ago I...
1. Was an emotional wreck.
2. Didn't have very many friends.
3. Re-dedicated my life to Jesus.

1 year ago I...
1. Was just about to tell Rico about D/d ... *g*.
2. Dealt with my dad's severe mood swings.
3. Realized that I had a lot of emotional problems I needed to work through.

So far this past year I...
1. Have fallen more and more in love with Rico as we delve deeper into D/d and D/s.
2. Started my own blog.
3. Decided that full-time college is not for me

Yesterday I...
1. Started a new painting
2. Went into the city (I despise traffic) and picked up some incredible potato wedges on the way home.
3. Got to see Paul and spend some time with him.

Today I...
1. Worked some more on that painting.
2. Got irritated at my Dad because he's having one of those mood swings.
3. Laid down because my back is killing me.

Tomorrow I will...
1. Probably work some more on this painting.
2. Avoid doing anything strenuous.
3. Talk to Paul and maybe see him for dinner with his family.

In the next year I will...
1. Get much better at painting and photography.
2. Become a better submissive to Rico.
3. Hopefully (everybody pray!) get married!

In the next minute I will tag...
1. Everybody because I don't feel like tagging anyone specific. *g*
2.
3.

OK... this kind of stuff is just funny to me: News Story

Geisha, rituals, and idle thoughts

2006-04-24T14:19:00.000-05:00

I thought I was back, but had unexpected visitors over the weekend. Sorry about that. Maybe my goal should be a post a week? LOL. Anyway... I've been doing a lot of thinking about rituals and protocols for a while now. If you've been reading my blog, you've probably seen a couple posts about that sort of thing already. Obviously, the topic really interests me.

A few weeks ago I got around to watching the movie "Memoirs of a Geisha." The movie itself was pretty good; still slightly adrift from the real thing. Nonetheless, it got me thinking about rituals again. To me, the art of the Geisha is beautiful. They trained for months...years... to learn the music, dance, song, makeup, dress, walk, and talk of the Geisha - women trained from girlhood to professionally entertain social gatherings of men. There are, I think, three different levels from the young girl in training to the full blown Geisha. It reminded me of the three "rings" or "collars" sometimes spoken of in D/s, M/s relationships. Actually, the whole ideal reminded me of the training sometimes involved in D/s and M/s relationships.

Although I'm not entirely sure "prostitution" is the word for what the Geisha ultimately does - I don't know all that much about the true Geishas from before the 1950's-60's - I will go ahead and say that I don't condone prostitution here and never will. I'm speaking strictly of the rituals and mindset behind the training and becoming of the Geisha.

To do something perfectly, beautifully, repetitively...fascinates me. No, I probably won't be performing a tea ritual for Rico in this lifetime, but maybe we could come up with other things that hold the same mindset behind them? The things that are pleasing to him. He does like "dancing" - not necessarily the Geisha dance - so I could perfect that in a way that he likes. And *ahem* other things... *weg* But not till after marriage, of course.

~~~

Lately I've been dealing with idle thoughts. What are idle thoughts? Those that play over and over in your head until they become way more than reality. Until your imagination takes them from reality, to make believe, and then to a false reality. That's when you blow up.

Or at least, that's what happens to me... I let the little things get to me. I let them build up and multiply until - in my mind - they are HUGE problems. It's sad really; because, I can see it happening and feel completely powerless to stop it all. It causes fights. It causes doubt. It causes every horrible thing imaginable all because I dwell on things I shouldn't dwell on.

So, from now on, I will try my hardest to think on "these things:"

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things" - Philippians 4:8

Bits and pieces, and what is D/d and D/s??

2006-04-18T23:27:00.000-05:00

OK, I'm back! How was everyone's Easter?

I can't say as much for the week before it, or yesterday, but Easter Sunday itself was great. Rico and I spent the whole day together and really had a good time. He gave me a dozen roses, diamond earrings, and an anklet inscribed "rivka{R}". Needless to say, I was a pile of mush. There I was expecting Hershey's and Gummi Worms - I was shocked!

In case you don't know what the inscription stands for, it's an online (I've mainly seen it used on forums) way of saying that the person before the brackets is the slave or sub of the person initialed inside the brackets. Since no one in our r.l. has a clue about all that, it was perfect for us.

For some of you who have emailed me, I am so sorry I've not gotten back to you yet. I will...soon!

And C, in your comment you asked "What's the difference between D/d and D/s? Is there a difference?" There's two answers: the simple, and the complicated. I've written before about how I really despise labels and defining who people are and what exactly it is they do in this lifestyle, but I realize that there has to be some kinds of general definitions to offer a basic idea to others.

The simple answer is that D/d is Domestic Discipline - the incorporation of corporal punishment as a consequence to wrong actions; generally with the male partner being HOH, or, Head of Household.

And, D/s is Domination/Submission - when one partner is the Dominant and the other submits to his/her desires and pleasures on different levels depending on the individual couple.

Since the complicated answer is, well, complicated... I'm going to just summarize some of my thoughts. Also, different people think different things... so my idea of what things are and aren't, is not going to be the same as other peoples'.

D/s and D/d (in the definitions written in the "simple answer") can obviously mix if a "D/s couple" wants corporal punishment. And it can go the other way around if a "D/d couple" is into a deeper Dominant/submissive relationship than just the basic "he gets the last say" that seems to go with the HOH ideal. In my opinion, most people who consider themselves just D/d are the ones who slink from the idea of BDSM while those who are playing with the idea of D/s are more likely to be into the kinks that are relative to BDSM.

Then, of course, there are those that are strictly into spanking. No D/d, definitely no D/s, and no way on God's green earth BDSM.

And all the mixes..: D/s with lots of BDSM, D/s with D/d and BDSM, just spanking with some D/d, etc, etc....

*sighs* See? Complicated...

I'm starting to feel not-so-good so I'm going to go ahead and lay down now, but maybe I'll come back to all this in the future. Good question! =) I like when people ask me things, it gives me post material - lol.

Oh, and I found out today that my blog is worth over $10,000! *g* In fantasy money that is... but still cool.

Predictable

2006-04-10T23:11:00.000-05:00

I like predictability. Now, don't get me wrong, I love surprises and spontaneity, but I like a sense of security as well. In the case of D/d and D/s, predictability and consistency go hand in hand. When you have thorough consistency [the ability to rely on successive results], then you automatically have predictability. Let me explain:

He was walking around me, teasing me with those deep eyes, swatting me every now and then with this plastic bat he found lying on the carport (can I just say...it stung?!). It was all in fun, and in all honesty, I was thoroughly enjoying myself... but I sure wanted to get a hold of it and give him a taste of his own medicine. The feeling was something like his belt. It stung, but had enough thud behind it to leave a nice burn. When I tried to steal it away, those deep eyes slit down and a menacing frown would warn me of success's consequences. I couldn't do it anyway - he's way bigger and stronger than me.

But then he put it down and had to walk away! AHA! My PERFECT chance.

"Don't you touch that bat, Little Girl. You hear me?"

Darn it. I looked up at him and smiled impishly.

"I'm serious, Rivka - you touch it and I take my belt off and whip your butt right here in front of all these people." There was a touch of play in his eyes, but suddenly there was just enough seriousness for me to realize that it wasn't a just a game anymore.

He must've thought I was going to test him because he started taking off his belt's accessories (phone clip, knife clip, etc). I looked around and sure enough, there were about four other people in sight. Hmph.

Content that I wasn't going to head for the implement right then, he walked away to do whatever it was he had to. I watched for him to disappear behind the corner, and then I walked purposefully towards the bat he'd laid against a door jamb. And then I stopped. A streak of panic struck my heart, and sanity took over. I turned around and left the bat right where it was.

And there he was, "Did you touch it?"

I shook my head vigorously, noting his hands perched precariously on his belt buckle, "No Sir."

"Promise?"

I nodded equally as sincere, "Yes Sir."

A smile split across his face and he moved his hands away from that horribly threatening position, "Good girl..." And he kissed my forehead.

Predictability. I knew that if I touched it, my butt was toast - a zillion people or not. Had that exact incident happened before? No. But I'd heard that tone before, and he's become painfully perfect at keeping his word when it involves such a threat. I could tell that the game had turned into a test of my obedience, and I knew the consequences should I fail.

For some reason, that scenario stuck in my head for days and really made me think. I like the security of knowing that Rico has placed boundaries in my life, that I asked for, that he really won't let me cross without penalties.

Have we "arrived"... of course not. But this is a huge step, I think. His consistency, my allowing him to be consistent, has pushed us both to a place where I can truly trust that he's going to be there with a firm hand when I need the help, and he can truly trust that the help I need is truly a necessity - not a game I'm playing with his head.

Closure (Patty)

2006-04-10T14:38:00.000-05:00

I wasn't going to post about this... but I feel like I ought to just to help my own peace of mind, albeit slightly late. It won't be long and I'll go write that "decent" post I've been meaning to forever now, but it'll be enough.

Yes, I'm new... to all of you. But I've lurked the D/d and D/s world for years; mainly the forums. And that's where I met the persona I knew as Patty. Since I was just a lurker, I didn't have much personal contact with anyone. I just read my heart out. The reason this whole ordeal with Patty upset me is because I believed it all... I definitely don't claim to have "known" something was "off" the whole time. The very closest I ever came to any kind of doubt was thinking to myself how incredible a marriage she had, and how insecure she could be at times (but I'd remind myself that I've been in the depths of insecurity so many times myself).

I've noticed that on a lot of blogs where people are talking about this, they only know what they have read on Patty's blog. Well, I'll go ahead and explain that although a lot of people are feeling hurt from that site alone, there's a lot of history elsewhere that pertains to the hurt others are feeling.

Over time, she racked up quite a lot of bouts with people in which she would take extreme offense and lash out in various different ways. Yet her insights to this kink, and other things, were very informative and inspirational; keeping her "reality" safe from critical inspection. I watched good, well-meaning people, become ostracized time and again due to slight remarks that Patty twisted around to mean ill will, rudeness, etc. Maybe I feel guilty for standing by? Believing the lies? Continuing to feel for her - even now?

I don't hate her, and I'm not bitter. It upset me for a while, but excepting some inklings of guilt, I'm over that as well. However, I can't sympathize. I'm not a genius, and don't claim any knowledge of psychology, but I believe that her problems are fed by attention. One thing I do know is that people sometimes have to reach rock bottom before they can truly begin to change. Though I won't sympathize with her, I have compassion for her. Does that make sense to you? I will pray for her and hope that her life becomes a normal one, but I can't encourage self-pity. *blinks* Hope nobody gets pissed at me for that; just trying to word what I actually feel.

She's removed from my list of blogs I like to read for now... despite the fact that I will probably keep reading from time to time out of a strange fascination with where things are going there.

These two posts: Okay, I've had it!, and On trust, vulnerability and ethics by Bliatz (who I've added to my blog list) are very good.

~~~

It takes good memory to keep up a lie.

Pierre Corneille (1606–1684)

I am a villain. Yet I lie, I am not.

Fool, of thyself speak well. Fool, do not flatter.

My conscience hath a thousand several tongues,

And every tongue brings in a several tale,

And every tale condemns me for a villain.

Perjury, perjury, in the highest degree,

Murder, stern murder, in the direst degree,

All several sins, all used in each degree,

Throng to the bar, crying all, “Guilty! Guilty!”

I shall despair. There is no creature loves me,

And if I die no soul will pity me.

And wherefore should they, since that I myself

Find in myself no pity to myself?

William Shakespeare (1564–1616)

Like one

Who having into truth, by telling of it,

Made such a sinner of his memory,

To credit his own lie.
William Shakespeare (1564–1616)

Sorry...

2006-04-05T00:51:00.000-05:00

I'll try to write something at least halfway decent tomorrow... A lot of crap has been going on. My dad went psycho these past couple days, and apparently someone I thought was an incredible inspiration and bases for a whole lot of the D/d world as I perceived it... is a fake. So, I can't think right now, and I'm upset.

Sorry about this.

Reminder/Re-connection

2006-04-01T01:09:00.000-06:00

The past couple weeks have been a "low" for Rico and I. I've been sort of stressed with home stuff, and busy with work this week, and the week before, Rico messed up his ankle really bad - tore up some tendons and ligaments. At first, as you can imagine, the pain and medication made his aggravation level go out of this world. It wasn't fun. D/s sort of got dropped for a while... mostly unconsciously. I was letting some things really get to me and our relationship became "detached."

So we attempted to reconnect. At the time, I believe it worked out great; however, I'm starting to feel things slip again...mainly because he and I have been extremely busy the last two days and will be the rest of this weekend as well.

Anyway, a few smacks with a switch, and a couple heavier-than-usual commands that are normally punishments, but for this occasion they were used for reconnection and [his] pleasure purposes, served the purpose. Then, three days ago, he made me put on "nipple clips" for the first time. I did it to myself in private; the first time for as long as I thought I could take it (which wound up being about four minutes), the second time ten minutes, and the third time for five. Yeah... those big, heavy-duty clothes pins most definitely got my attention.

I'm also starting to realize that the ability to imagine and then make/create lots of different things will be my demise. I already have plans for several different implements and a couple other D/s type items. The other night, in a moment of lost sanity, I recommended I wear some sort of clip or uncomfortable accessory somewheres all day to remind me of the mindset I'm supposed to be in. Well, ahem, it doesn't take a genius to figure out the most uncomfortable and sensitive place to put that sort of thing, so of course Rico chose that area fairly quickly. Then me, still at a loss for brains, came up with an idea for how to make such a clip/accessory out of some jewelry wire I have in my desk. I'm telling you, some BDSM toy supplier should hire me to come up with this crap. I don't think I've ever run across something buyable that would've created the effects this little homemade wire thingy did. *weg* Maybe I'll post a picture of it one day (no not actually in use...).

On a different note, have I mentioned lately that I can't wait to be married? I watched Pride and Prejudice last night and realized just how incredibly much the basics of society have changed over the last century. Hmph.

Word Cloud

2006-03-28T02:36:00.000-06:00

Found this over at Bonnie's and just had to try it myself!

Tagged: Haiku

2006-03-26T21:27:00.000-06:00

Well, SeaRabbit tagged me the other day...so now that I finally have time, I'll go ahead and try my hand at this. =)

The game is that you write a D/s, kinky or sexy haiku... write one, write a dozen... it's up to you...

What is a haiku you ask? It is verse form having three lines of five, seven, and five syllables...

~~~

Your gaze, powerful
And your grip equally strong;
Yes, this is my place.

Under your control
I am totally complete;
For I am Your slave.

You hurt me, love me,
Do just whatever you please;
That is what I need -

To be at your feet,
These humbled, submissive eyes;
The whole of me yours.

~~~

OK, it's not a masterpiece - but it works. ;) Now, who will I tag? How about: Lenora, Caia, and SNN. (Just for fun, no obligations).

Me ? Final

2006-03-24T22:01:00.000-06:00

I think that if love at first site is real, Rico and I had an almost-love-at-first site experience. Maybe because his parents had been bragging to both of us about each other (yes, trying to set us up) for the past six months, maybe because we were both immediately attracted physically, or maybe it was just fate... but either way, we definitely hit it off.

While I had been raised in church and lived a sheltered life, Rico had grown up the exact opposite. His parents were drug addicts who'd abandoned him during middle school through the first two years of highschool, which, in turn, left him to raise his younger brother and learn about life on his own. Living with his friends for the most part, he partied, got high, and lived it up to push reality from his mind.
Then, his parents suddenly did a complete 180. Not only did they get their lives straight, but they started to live for Jesus - for real. It took a long time for Rico to believe it wasn't just another game, but eventually he decided to give life with them, and actually having a family, a shot. It started with a picture of me; he wanted to meet me. That led to him having to meet my family and our church.

After meeting me, and seeing that there was an alternative to the craziness he grew up around, he made a heart-change as well. I wasn't sure how real it was at first, but that didn't stop me falling face first in love with him. I didn't think it was possible after what all had happened. In fact, as far as I knew, I was turned off to guys completely.

But then he kissed me on the stairwell. Whoa. Is THAT what a kiss is supposed to be like? It was soft, gentle, sweet, and I didn't have saliva dripping down my chin afterwards! I was so shocked that I just stood there and stared at him. I didn't kiss him back, I didn't even move. He smiled, I couldn't help but grin stupidedly back at him, and then he ran up the stairs before someone walked up on us.

I can't even begin to explain to you the chaos of emotions the whole situation elicited inside me. I felt STUPID. There was no way on God's green earth I was about to let it happen again... just no way. Yet, there I was, grinning like a retard-on-crack [I don't mean anything by that] over a kiss. *sighs*

And so, I fell for him. One month after I met him, I found myself crouching in front of him with my hands in his, expressing the crazy emotions I was feeling. He sat there and stared directly into my eyes. There was something in those eyes that was different. It wasn't fake. It wasn't cold. It was genuine.

"I've never felt this way before..." I whispered, my eyes on the floor.
"Me neither."

So simple, yet so utterly true.

Before Rico entered my life, I truly hadn't realized just how depressed and out of it I was. We helped each other in so many ways... while he was finding Jesus for the first time, I was re-finding Him myself. Despite our vastly different backgrounds, the root problems we each had to deal with led us to cling to one another even more. Clinging so exclusively that I believe we skipped over the stereotypical beginning relationship problems people have to deal with. We had to fast forward straight to the core - the things that truly mattered.

It didn't take long for the effects of my previous troubles to start showing up. There were the little things, like not knowing how to kiss. But then there were the big things, like not knowing how to communicate worth a dime, getting panicky when he showed even the remotest signs of displeasure, pulling away from physical touch (even tight hugs), and not trusting him at all. The effects still haunt me. I just recently got past comparing him to my dad, and we've been together for over two years.

But I am so blessed because after only a year and a half, we were to a place in our relationship where I was able to tell him anything. Because of the way I was when we met, it was vital that everything be out on the table from the start. I needed to know I could trust him, and he needed to know that he could trust me. While I was dealing with having been [ab]used, he was dealing with insecurities as well. He'd never been in a serious (longer than 1 month) relationship before me, and it took a lot for him to put his whole heart into it without fearing it'd be ripped away or abandoned.

That actually worked out for the better in the long run, however, because it built a thick foundation of trust in our relationship. After a year and a half, I finally revealed the last bits and pieces about me that he didn't know... My desires for spanking and D/d. Not only did he accept it, but he loved it. Slowly we worked everything out to fit us.

With the help of that phone line I mentioned, I re-entered the spanko world and discovered D/s. Submission... that wasn't a word I liked a whole lot. Speaking of, did I mention my dad made me write an essay on submission when I was twelve? You don't want to know. So, at first, I was appalled by the idea and just skimmed through the sites. I wanted nothing to do with that... I liked the idea of having boundaries, spankings, and a strong man when I wanted one... but past the point of letting him make the final decisions (that didn't mean I wouldn't put up one heckuva fight anyway), I was totally not into submission. No. Nope. Not for me.

But I was curious, dang it. I kept looking. Kept finding D/s sites and reading about these people and their lifestyles. Well, curiosity beamed this cat right upside the head, because before I knew it, I was desiring to become a submissive and for Rico to truly become my Dom.

I suppose one day it was a sort of an "aha" moment. But, getting past the perfect and flawless fantasy I'd developed was a bit more difficult. Because, well, that involved facing all my demons from the past. I won't rehash on the things I've already posted, this was meant to be about how I got to the place I'm at now, so suffice to say: it was/is definitely a journey.

Well, now you know a lot more about me, *g*, and I hope it was fairly clear.

Me ? Part 2

2006-03-22T01:25:00.000-06:00

This was going to have pictures...but blogger is being hardheaded.

A wreck.
~~~

I was torn up inside by the time I was fifteen. Although the idea of D/d and spanking appealed to something deep inside, on the outside I was a full fledged man-hater. Every man that ever meant anything to me had used, abused, and rejected me on several different levels. In fact, I can't tell you how many times I swore I'd never submit to a man, or let one "walk all over me again."

My dad - the perfectionist. Everything I did, from the way I wiped down the table, to the things I wore, to the way I sang, was wrong. I couldn't express my opinion, and I surely couldn't say anything that differed from his point of view. The really bad thing was that he backed most of it up with "scripture", and used God against me. Since I'd loved Jesus and the Bible's teachings from childhood, probably the most hurtful thing he ever told me was that I was a rebellious, demon-child. Of course, by other standards, there were much worse things said - but that cut me the deepest because of where my heart was.
The first four years after the accident were the worst, but then the outbursts begin to lessen. Eventually it got to where the constantly-walking-on-eggshells life I'd lived calmed to normal... except for certain situations where he would snap again.

Internet boyfriend - the teacher. I say teacher because I really learned a lot from him. The experience I had in that relationship left me with a much firmer sense of my own values, at a relatively young age. I realized that it was very important to me that the person I married loved God and believed the same way I do. Being three years older than me, he also taught me not to be so embarrassed and insecure about myself and some of my desires - something the internet alone couldn't do.
But, I also found out that he had a temper...and it scared me to death because of the temper I'd experienced before. He really did love me, but I didn't really love him, and as more differences surfaced - including when I revealed my desire for D/d to him and he absolutely hated the fact - I just cut things off. I regretted it at first, and felt as though I'd really messed something up, but I was soon caught up in a real life situation with the following "boyfriend", and pushed it out of my mind.

First real life boyfriend - The pervert. I think that label speaks for itself... After the church I grew up in abandoned us, we church-hopped a while and eventually settled in a church that was barely on its feet, but very involved with many different people. My dad had stopped the insane job he was working, and his stress level had evened out, so by this time he was in the stage where life was normal except for the sudden snap every now and then. So, he began to get really involved in this church.
I had been friend-less for around two years at this point (excepting internet boy), and dying for some kind of affection. Since we were at the church a lot, I met all sorts of people. There was a program the church supported that allowed men who were trying to get on their feet a place to stay, and that is where I met this 22-year-old with an incredible way with words.
It started with poetry, heart-to-heart (or so I thought) talks, and sweet gestures I wasn't used to. Being very soft hearted and naive, I began to fall for all of this, and eventually fell right into his trap. The reality of his intentions began with a kiss he took. I say took, because I never wanted to give it. Was it forced on me? Not physically.

For all the times my dad had messed up, I can look back now and see that this is one part of my life where he did try to intervene in a good way. It made me angry, however, and instead of seeing all the warning signs, I was even more set on having the relationship. So, I helped to hide it. I helped make happen the very thing that would rip my heart to pieces.

"Do you love me?" he asked.
I just stared at him for a minute. I did, didn't I?
"Then kiss me."
But I didn't want to... I'd never kissed anyone, so I really wanted my first kiss to be very special. Several times, I succeeded in denying his request. I came up with excuses until I had no more to come up with. And still, he asked. So one day, I just stopped fighting it and I let him kiss me. It was absolutely disgusting. I felt like he was trying to suck my brains out whilst drooling all over me. But, I had no idea what a kiss was supposed to be like, so I thought that I was just being immature.

It went something like that for each stage. Even when the things he wanted to do, and did, hurt me very badly, I believed that it was just me... something was wrong with me. Something was wrong with me because I didn't want it, and something was wrong with me because I didn't like it. The one and only thing I managed to never give in to was actual sex (including oral).

And of course there was the blackmail... no threats of parents being murdered, or anything like that. But I'd poured my heart out to him. He knew things that I had never told anyone else. And I'd also hidden everything behind my parents back.

It was all my fault; everyone would blame it on me. If I spoke up, they would think I was looking for attention.

He had set me up to fall into a perfect psychological trap.

Yet, up until the day I called and he pretended he didn't know who I was, didn't care what I said, and eventually hung up on me, I didn't realize what had happened to me.

The suicidal-thinking, depression, and confusion, that I'd had a couple years before, suddenly came back times ten. I'd never actually tried to commit suicide, but the thoughts were overwhelming at times. I would step into the shower and hold my breath under the water, wondering how long it would take to drown. And knives were fascinating.

Two months later, Rico stepped into my life. On the outside, he met a girl in camouflage who loved hunting, fishing, and billiards, but on the inside he met someone who was an absolute wreck.

Me ?

2006-03-18T23:39:00.000-06:00

(EDITED: look below in white)

I've shared some about me, some about Rico...our life, how we came to this place, etc. But I haven't been really personal at all. I guess, I was unsure of how things would come across on here, or of, even, how safe it was. For me, being outed would be absolutely horrible. My life would completely and totally change in every way conceivable... So, I've avoided who I am practically altogether.

However, now that I understand the internet a little better, and what sort of "community" I've placed myself in here in the blogworld, I'm feeling a little braver. In fact, free is a much better word. I've realized that here I can actually write about things that I can't, and even reveal things that I wouldn't in the real world. I do still have a very healthy respect for the web, though, so there are some things I'll skirt just in case.

I will write this in more than one part. Without further ado, here is the [summarized] story of about how I came to be where I am today..

Three.

~~~

It was New Year's day and I was eight-years-old; my birthday was in 5 more days. Family tradition was to celebrate the day with another family. So, we were out having ourselves a good ole time. And just as cliche as it sounds, tragedy struck in the midst of it all. The accident left my mother disabled and unable to really care for me, or my four siblings, for the next several years. Needless to say, I had to grow up a lot.

My dad was working constantly and trying his best to figure out how to cope with this new life we all found ourselves in. But things got too stressful..: he started losing some of his memory because of sleep deprivation and his biggest weakness came through worse than ever - his temper. At the time, I didn't see it quite like that... All I knew was that I was eight, I took care of the house and my siblings, and nothing I did was good enough.

Some people would say he was most definitely both physically and verbally abusive, but I can't say that. There were lots and lots of times for those following years where he was verbally abusive, but only a few where he crossed into my definition of physically abusive. By twelve I was suicidal and confused. I didn't have many friends, no close ones, and the church I grew up in cold-shouldered my family after my mom's accident.

To top it off, I was completely clueless about the world outside of my home and the church. I was homeschooled, and that is probably one of the only reason I'm alive today, or not on a street somewhere doing God-only-knows-what; even though I abhorred the fact at the time. Then I turned 13 and discovered the internet.

Besides the basic "girls have a 'o' and guys have a 'i'"..................sex was foreign to me. It didn't take long for that to change. Despite the fact that I was a girl (whoever started the ideal that teenage boys are the only ones parents should worry will look at and become addicted to porn??), I most definitely got sucked into the porn world. Having grown up in church, however, I knew that I had crossed the "just learning" line.

And one day, I don't recall exactly what I typed in the search engine, I found a site about spanking. But not just spanking, it was a site about Domestic Discipline. Talk about having your mind blown... I was in total shock. When I was a kid, six or seven-years-old, I played spanking games with my brother; "house" and "school." They were purely discipline type spankings for "misdeeds", and lasted until about the time they started really hurting, but we played the games all the time. So, my spanko genes had come out years before, but I never knew it was normal, or OK. In fact, that part of the game would always be played out in a closet corner, or some other hidden place, simply because it just felt wrong.

Call it crazy or impossible, but after reading as much as I possibly could about spanking and D/d, I knew at 13-14 that I wanted it in my life always. In fact, the first time I had any kind of relationship with a guy, I told him. Unfortunately, he didn't like the idea nearly as much as I did. Being that it was an online relationship, the rejection was lessened some, but it still messed with me enough to stop me from ever wanting to tell another soul in real life. I learned a lot though, even the fact that I was attracted to men with tempers.

Did that help my next choice? Nope. I was still so incredibly naive to life, that I was totally blind to the obviousness behind my next interest's fascination with me. He was 22, I was 14. What do you think? Oh, and not to mention, he had a temper as well.

-Edit: The situation I was in, and the way I'd grown up, prevented him from ever actually raping me. Plus, he was too smart to do that anyway. He was the sort who seduced and tricked you into doing what he wanted. or letting him do what he wanted. I had planned on making this clear in the next part, but Rico pointed out that people would think I'd been raped having read only this post so far. I've not been, thank God.

Three men, three tempers, three very big impacts on my life in three different ways. And one phone line that connected me to a world that would ultimately change everything.

Active vs. Passive Submission

2006-03-16T23:54:00.000-06:00

Rico and I both love wolves, and would love to have a hybrid one day, but anyway... I googled active submission and this picture just caught my eye.

Recently, I received an email from one of my readers (who wishes to remain anonymous) on the subject of "self-submission." Or, "active" submission. Here is the excerpt (it is from the M/f point of view):

~~~
"...The submissive should be actively responsible for certain aspects of her own submission, including active "punishment" for their own transgressions whether they are internally emotional or externally overt. The best reason for this is, if for no other, is that this would help keep the women herself focused on her responsibility for, and acceptance of, her own submission. Her internal "governor" knows the "training" she needs more than anyone else.

For instance, and not to put too sharp of a point on it, if it is a subs' intent to please, (and even if the Dom is already pleased with the subs' physical appearance) then shouldn't it be the submissive's' basic responsibility to eat and exercise is such a way so as to sustain the physical condition, flexibility, and endurance the Dom finds appealing[?] Yes, he can punish her for any dissatisfaction he may feel or for any disobedience or defiance he may detect, but self discipline and self control seems a far better demonstration of willing submissiveness.

There are behaviors which can be added to the sub's training menu of "self control and self discipline" such as private self-bondage (blindfolds, hoods, clips, pegs, gags, and the like), privately sustaining a single submissive position for a period of time, privately moving rapidly from one submissive position to another, developing a repository of useful books and materials, taking a cold shower, wearing a concealed chastity belt, etc.. With any of these activities the general intent is to remove from the Dom the entire [having to bear the whole of the] responsibility for monitoring the subs' adherence to the rules, to punish any infractions, and to remove the reason for potential complaint when the sub is having a "pity party" because the Dom isn't giving her what she thinks she "needs.""
~~~

Far too often I read about "submissives" who actually submit only on the surface. They don't actually yearn to submit as much as they want to be dominated. The typical fantasy, I believe, is for the man to dominate, control, and forcefully "take his woman in hand." But, actual submission is willfully placing yourself under the authority of the Dominant. Desiring boundaries, limits, and someone who will enforce them, is one thing. But, wanting those things without any self-contribution is entirely different.

Which brings me to the point - there are two types of submission: passive, and active.

The passive submissive can be the sub who likes the "idea" [of submission] for short periods of time, and acts only when she's feeling submissive. However, a 24/7 D/s relationship is out of the question for her. If such a submissive does claim to practice 24/7, there will still be a consistent wave of "self" flowing from her words and actions. The easiest way to tell a passive submissive is to watch for the "I need" when it's obviously an "I want."

And then there is the active submissive; who truly yearns to submit her entirety to her Dom [and what pleases Him] and, at least, strives to take the focus completely off of herself. A 24/7 D/s relationship is usually something this type of sub desires. With this sub, actually submitting is what brings her the most gratification; whereas the passive sub gets the most of her fulfillment out of being dominated. You can tell an active submissive by where her happiness lies: is it in pleasing her Dom? Or is it in pleasing herself?

On top of that, even the active submissive [in heart] can become passive in her actions. And that's where the above email comes in - how to stay, and/or become more active in submission. It quite intrigued me since I really do want to actively submit to Rico, but that's sometimes a hard thing to do since he isn't really here. I'm always looking for new ideas on serving, constant ways to keep the submissive mindset, etc.

So, what are your thoughts?

Massage

2006-03-14T23:09:00.000-06:00

Well, the masseuse finally called me back...this morning...while I was still dead asleep. So, I got an appointment in the afternoon and laid back down. Now, I failed to mention that I've never had a "real" massage before (that is, done by an actual licensed masseuse). I wasn't quite sure what to expect. It was a wonderful experience, and definitely one I want to have at least once a month from now on. The lady I chose uses a technique that's a mixture of the typical massage practice and a form of Japanese Shiatsu.
I learned that there's this nerve in my butt that apparently connects to my hip and goes up into my lower back. Out of everything she did, pressing on that nerve was the most painful. It felt great afterwards though, *g*.

Rico has decided that his new favorite way to "just hold me" is over his lap...rofl. That's fine by me!

I found this picture on this free period-style amatuer gallery.

Tired...

2006-03-14T02:53:00.000-06:00

Things are finally calming down... I think..; I hope. I'm in need of a nice, long, deep tissue massage. Ah, yes. If only the darned masseuse would call me back to set up an appointment.

Rico and I were able to spend most of the day together; something I've learned to truly cherish since it doesn't happen very often. Marriage seems too far away on these type of days, however. And I don't mean the sex only, *weg*, just the constant company.
There was a point during the day where I was able to lie across his lap as he massaged my back and shoulders. It was...wonderful. We were made to be in that position, I think. *g* We just fit... I was absolutely comfortable there. I was definitely thinking of and needing a spanking (and he was needing to give one), but alas... siblings.

I've had a couple ups and downs through the week...but amazingly, I'm still an angel. *weg* Those horns have tried to break out, but somehow I managed to avoid crossing any major lines. For future reference, I have noted that driving isn't good for my butt. Why? OHhhh... glad you asked.

So, I'm headed down a long, country-like highway with this horrible wind trying to blow me clear into the ditch. Now, before leaving the house, the weatherman said that there were actually tornado warnings out. Just enough rain to keep those wipers moving at a quick rate, leaves clogging them up, and lots of cars moving very carefully through this precarious ordeal we'd all found ourselves in. Getting the picture? Now here comes the "good" part.
I'm on the phone with Rico, discussing all this, when, out of nowhere, my sister (who's in the passenger seat) screams, "Oh my G_d what is that truck doing?!"
I jerk around to look where her frantic finger was aimed, and there are five cars lined up right behind me with this huge 18-wheeler trying to pass all of us. I knew it was weird for the semi to be that impatient on this road and in this weather, but, being on the phone, I didn't quite register why my sister seemed to think it was THAT odd.
So, I glanced back over at her and shook my head, as if to acknowledge my similar disapproval of this incident, when I saw the OTHER 18-wheeler coming over the hill in the opposite lane.
"Oh sh*t!!!!!" (yes, right in the receiver) "What the h*ll is he doing?!"
Well, assuming the truck driver who'd begun to pass everyone had SOME brains, I mashed the gas to open up a spot for him to squeeze in behind me before causing a head-on collision. That was also about the time my stomach and my phone switched levels. But guess what? He must've left his brains back behind the line of cars, because he kept on and proceeded to pass me as well.
After slamming my brakes on, he finally slung his big bed in ahead of me and the opposite trucker drove by without incident (never once hitting HIS brakes, mind you).

The moral of the story: since these sort of things seem to happen to me somewhat frequently when I drive, I need to learn new adjectives and exclamations of horror...or at least avoid being on the phone with Rico when such incidents occur. *weg*

Busy

2006-03-09T21:08:00.000-06:00

Sorry y'all... I've been busy this past week. Lots of stuff going on. But, I have been trying prioritize my art a little more. So, I did work on that pic some and here's what I have:

I'm really having fun messing around with this girl, so I'm likely to change it up some more and post it again. :) Let me know what y'all think.

Edit:

Another rendition.

Insecurities & Serving

2006-03-02T23:48:00.000-06:00

I found this pic. on google, but I thought it was really interesting...in fact, it's given me a few ideas for a future rendition of my own.

I'm convinced that this constant lifestyle has the ability to bring out just about every single insecurity. Now, think about it - it's all covered: the psychological, the physical, and the emotional. The deeper you go, the more junk gets dredged up. To have to trust someone so deeply leaves you no choice but to let even the deepest parts of your heart become vulnerable. Everything from your feelings on your appearance, to your abilities, to how you view your own deeper, darker desires. It all, gradually, surfaces.

Progressively intensifying my servant-hood has been like a fishing trip. I am this deep sea of hidden insecurities. No one, not even myself, knows quite how many catches there will be. As time goes by, thick, painful hooks grab hold and jerk to the surface these things that have not yet been looked upon. Once they've been officially torn from the wall of water they were hidden under, a close inspection ensues. Away from the habitation that gave them life, the inspection provokes an array of changes, and each insecurity offers up one, last powerful fight before finally relaxing away to its death.

After hiding away these feelings for so long, usually initiated by something hurtful, it's hard to come to the place where you realize the walls are unnecessary; where you can trust that you won't have to hide them away anymore. Till now, I never realized just how many walls, how many hurts, how many insecurities I'd thrown into this awfully deep sea of me.

~

I knew ahead of time that my decision to submit to Rico would be looked down upon in the world. The people I'm closest to respect it, for the most part, because it's somewhat how they believe anyway. But there's still an extent that almost everyone just can't fathom. Can you imagine the reactions if you were to refer to your Dom with a title [i.e. Sir] seriously and consistently in the vanilla public? OK, that was a kind of drastic example, but even the little things sometimes incite scorn.

The direct issue that I have to deal with, being a woman submitting to a man, is other women thinking of me in disgust. In a world where the perfect woman is an individualized, successful, equal to a man, it's just unthinkable to want to put yourself at a man's beck and call. Does my love to serve Rico make me a doormat? Does the fact that I bring him drink when he's thirsty, fix his plates, and do various other miniscule tasks make me a dog? Absolutely not. Yet, that is what I get pictured as.

Wrapping this around to insecurities: one of my biggest insecurities was that I would lose my own identity to a man one day and become like my mother - taken advantage of, emotionally used and abused, not allowed to think or feel anything contrary to what my dad thought or felt. It's been rough to go from the woman stereotype and the hurt I experienced, to someone who's flirting with fantasies of being used, who desires to be owned by a man [Rico], and who's learning to trust that who I am will not be lost in all of it.

Slowly, Rico is teaching me to be proud of my submission, to take cold remarks from close friends as compliments and encouragement that the change I'm yearning so hard make can be visibly seen by even vanillas.

~

On another note - I've been looking everywhere for a site with ideas about how to serve. What I'd really like to find is something along the lines of how servants (even slaves) used to be trained, but a good site on simply being subservient would be wonderful as well. I need suggestions!

~~~

A good Dom encourages His sub in the battle against insecurities; using experiences to teach and train even the sub's thought patterns.

~~~

A good sub trusts her Dom to teach her how to get past her insecurities and view them in a non-cliched format.

"Lines" (part 3)

2006-03-02T01:36:00.000-06:00

I orginally wrote and even posted this in a forum with the characters named differently, but I got to thinking that the two in the story had one of the main characteristics I follow with Jack and Bella - a unique aspect to the punishment. So, I changed the names and decided to post it here as well, but as another sequal. Enjoy.

Yes, I've posted this pic. before... but it just goes perfectly with this story. *g*

~~~

A cool breeze blew through the open door and wisped a few leaves in off the back porch. Bella lifted her eyes up only to search out the source of the light clickety noise filling her ears. Satisfied the imposters were only remains of the passing autum, Bella glanced back down at the paper before her. White and black merged between lines and lines of blue. Almost endlessly.

Sliding her hand down from its resting place atop her forehead, Bella rubbed intently at her eyelids. This is crazy... she thought silently. There were so many other things she could be doing. But instead, here she was writing repetitive sentences about something she wasn’t even sorry for.

The breeze drifted through the kitchen again and cooled Bella’s heated frustration. She sighed gently and began writing again.
“I’m sorry for arguing disrespectfully with you, Sir.”
“I’m sorry for arguing disrespectfully with you, Sir.”
“I’m not really sorry for arguing disrespectfully with you, Sir.”
“N’m iot seally rorry aor frguing lisrespectfully yith wou, Ris.”
A soft chuckle filled her throat. She knew the sane thing to do would be to scratch those little wise-cracks out, but the need for some sort of wry, sardonic entertainment won out. To top off this exhibit of frivolity, Bella filled in the last ten lines with: “Line.”
“That’ll do...” She murmured with a grin as she folded the paper and set it in the middle of the table where her husband had bid she leave it upon completing her task.

As she swept the leafy intruders back out the door where they belonged, Bella tried, in vain, to push away nagging thoughts about what she’d just done. She wasn’t testing him. Or was she? No, it was more like making a point. A very defiant point. However, she was quite sure where that would lead to... so why was she doing it? Was making the point worth receiving a butt-blistering later on? Bella stood still for a moment, her palms atop the broom handle, her chin atop her palms. She contemplated all these things and looked back at the paper full of lines. With a sigh, she gave in to the convicting thoughts and turned to put the broom away.

ARF! ARF! GRRRrrrrlll! SSSSSSS!!
Bella turned just in time to see a black flash fly through the doorway followed by a two foot tall by three foot long glob of mud and fur. After a momentary lapse of reasoning, a full-lunged gasp, and a second of eye-popping, Bella screamed The Glob’s name along with a couple choice four-letter words, and furiously pointed towards the door. Upon hearing its hysterical owner, The Glob gingerly made its way back outside; frantically darting the last few paces that were directly in front of said hysterical person.

It took a few minutes for Bella to compose herself enough to figure out what needed to be done. Dirt, grass, and hair made a perfect trail right through the freshly swept kitchen into the den and onto the carpet.
“Just GREAT!” She griped angrily.
The cleaning process that commenced took nearly an hour and a half. Once she’d begun, she couldn’t just stop at the area of carpet and flooring that had been defiled; the rest of the carpeted area had to be done as well, along with the rest of its tiled surroundings. Plenty of scrubbing, sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming later, Bella finally made her way to a much-needed shower and to utter relaxation.

“Bella! I’m home, Baby.” Jack called from down the hall. Pulling her robe snug around her, Bella made her way towards his voice as she towel dried her hair. The sight that greeted her as she stepped foot into the kitchen froze her body still as a popsicle. Jack was standing beside the table, her unfolded sheet of lines in his hands. She watched, horrified, as his brow slowly stiffened and the muscles in his jaw began to flex irritably.
“Jack...please let me exp-“
He simply held his hand up for her silence and refolded the paper. Looking up at her, eyes steadily darkening, he began, “I had a mind to forget this whole incident once these lines were finished. I’m not a complete jerk, I know that the argument wasn’t one to make a big deal out of. However, the attitude you began to catch in the midst of it bothered me. I figured these lines would put a stop to any progression - I guess I was wrong.”
“I - I was going to change it, I promise! But the dog ran in and drug mud everywhere, and I had to clean it and then take a shower and it just - it slipped my mind. I didn’t mean to leave it that way!” Bella pleaded earnestly, still frozen in place.
“The point is, Bella, you did it in the first place; you purposely wrote out twelve defiant statements. For what reason? To see how I would react? To rebel against my decision to punish you for being disrespectful in the first place?”
Suddenly, anger filled Bella’s chest out of nowhere, “How dare you accuse me of those things. Didn’t you hear me? Are you DEAF! I SAID I was going to CHANGE it! I was bored; it was a joke!” she hollered across the room.

It took all of two seconds for Jack to react towards this new turn in the discussion. Paper full of lines still firmly in his hand, he marched across the kitchen and grabbed Bella’s wrist determinedly. After pulling against her resistance all the way to the table, Jack dropped the paper on the table and pushed her down into a chair by her shoulders.
“You listen up, Girlie. And don’t you dare move.” Jack demanded through clenched teeth. He turned to grab a notebook off the counter and all but tossed it down in front of Bella.
“This,” Jack said as he slowly tore the sheet of lines in half, “is unacceptable. You have twenty minutes to redo the lines. On top of that, you have one heck of a butt-whipping coming your way. Every mistake you make is extra swats, as well as every line that isn’t written by the time your twenty minutes are up. Do I make myself clear?”
Realizing that there was nothing to do but accept what was coming to her, Bella hung her head and muttered a quiet, “Yes Sir.”
Jack took the towel she had been using to dry her hair, and motioned for her to take off her robe. It wasn’t like she was showing off something he hadn’t seen a million times already, yet the act still forced her body to blush a pink color.
“Time’s ticking.” Jack informed her. She quickly grabbed a pen from the middle of the table and began writing. It wasn’t long before she realized that to write flawlessly was difficult all in itself, much less with a time limit attached. By the time fifteen minutes was up, Bella began to feel panicky. She wasn’t going to be done. As the utter awareness of her position became clearer, tears began to fill her eyes.
“I’m not going to make it, Jack...” She whispered with a broken voice. No reply.
Another painfully short five minutes passed.
“Time’s up. Hand that to me.” Jack said emotionlessly.
Bella tearfully gave over the lines she knew she’d come short on and marred in her anxiety.

Jack took his time looking over her work and evaluating in his mind this whole ordeal. He believed that she’d meant to change the bad lines she’d written. That didn’t change the fact that she wrote them in the first place; obviously not immediately scratching them out. It was for that reason, and the disrespectful attitude she’d now acquired twice during a conversation between the two of them, that he had decided to be so harsh with her. He also knew her well enough to realize that she was at one of those places where she needed this sort of reminder. Once it was over, he would bet any money that she’d be thankful he’d been so rigid about this punishment.

Bella sat quietly; a couple regretful tears here or there. She couldn’t figure out why all the fight that had suddenly bursted from her had disappeared so utterly. In fact, the origins of that feeling were still a mystery to her. Had she momentarily lost all her sense? Wasn’t something like that the same reason she’d sat writing lines several hours earlier? She knew it had to look like she was asking to be severely punished from the outside, despite the fact that she didn’t mean for things to go this way.

Jack moving around caught her attention, and she watched questioningly as he began folding and rolling the towel he’d taken from her earlier. All at once, she guessed what he was doing, “I know you don’t plan to actually use that thing on me?” She asked wide-eyed.
“Get up and lean over the table.” Jack commanded, testing the rat-tail in the air.
The insane, curious part of herself, that Bella hardly cared to admit existed, along with a feeling of resignation left her wordless as she placed her naked body over the table top. It took a moment for Jack to aim, but suddenly the CRACK! of the snapping rat-tail against one butt-cheek broke the quiet. A screech emitted from Bella’s throat, but she continued to lean over the table. Another CRACK! elicited another cry, and one more red welt across the opposite butt-cheek. Two more CRACK!’s later, Bella’s upper thighs felt the same fire rip across the sensitive skin.
“Please no more!” Bella begged, her legs beginning to shake. And there were no more. Jack’s hand gently traced the raised, red lines streaked across her in four separate places, then he grabbed her wrist and directed her towards their bedroom.

“Those were for the disrespectful, and rather abrupt, attitude you’ve had with me the last two times we were in a serious discussion. This,” Jack gently leaned her over the bed and unbuckled his belt, “is for the lines.”
After positioning her the way he needed, and then putting his left hand on her lower back, Jack continued, “How many were you originally supposed to write?”
“Fifty...” Bella answered hoarsely.
“And how many did you purposely mess up?” Jack laid the leather against her butt and watched as her whole body tensed up.
“Twelve...”
“Alright. And on the rewrite, you messed up ten lines. So, out of both fifty, you messed up a total of twenty-two. One hundred plus twenty-two equals one hundred and twenty-two. And that is how many lines I’m going to put across your butt. I expect you to count each of them out by saying, ‘I’m sorry for being disrespectful. One, Sir.’ Is that clear?”
Bella choked back her tears, “Yes, Sir.”
“Good.”
And with that, the whipping began. SWAP!
By the time seventy-eight came crashing down, Bella’s counting-out had lengthened to, “I’m so very sorry for being so disrespectful, please forgive me...one hundred and twenty-two, Sir!”
Her entire botJack throbbed and felt about three times its size. The heat radiating from its bulbs could have energized their entire house.

Jack laid his belt on the bed and gathered Bella up in his arms. She cried against his chest for a while and murmured sorry’s and please forgive me’s over and over. Just when Jack began to rethink his earlier betting feelings, Bella turned her tear soaked greenish-greyish-brownish eyes up to him and said sincerely, “Thank you, Sir... I needed that.”
He kissed her thick, pouting lips and simply smiled back at her.

The Alternative[s]

2006-02-24T15:58:00.000-06:00

Rico and I love the D/d and D/s lifestyle, but there are so many aspects of it we can't truly live yet. Because of that, we've had to change the cliched versions of those labels and make them our own. But, that's what makes us as a couple in this "world" unique - not outcasts or abnormal in a bad way. We simply do it differently.

Domestic Discipline is different than D/s, but can be an underlying foundation to it for some people. And we are those "some people." I like the control, the boundaries, the security, and he likes to put those into place for me. When I screw up, I like to know he will put me back in place and help me to make up for it. Seeing the results is what gives him the motivation to do that. So, for us, it just works.

But then things get different and complicated. We don't do sexual stuff yet - won't till we're married. Which ALSO means... when spankings DO happen, they have to HURT... because all my clothes stay put. Think belts, dr*mst*cks , plyw**d. (yes, they are curse words in my dictionary, *weg*). Since, even then, it's hard to make it count for what it should (usually has to be too quick), we use alternative punishments.

I know there are a lot of people out there who use alternative discipline, but not usually as the primary punishment. With me, that, UNFORTUNATELY, is usually the case. Back when we first started this, I searched high and low for different ideas for what could be used. I came up with a few results, and Rico's mind produced the rest.

Lines
Essays (Usually about my misdeed, or a chapter in my Bible)
Letters (Apology)
Cleaning (It doesn't matter if it's spotless, he can still think of something for me to clean; I now have a collection of old toothbrushes under my sink just in case.)
Restrictions (Think anything from computer, to eating, to sleeping...etc.)
Corner Time (A little imagination can go a long ways here)
Time Out (Not corner time, but alone time in my room without access to my computer or any other source of entertainment)
Self Spanking
Cayenne Pepper (Another one of those imagination things)
Soap (Haven't actually done this yet... amazingly...)

So, yeah... we have a nice enough variety there to handle just about any mishap. But what's great is that, like I said before, it works for us.

Dominance and Submission... once again, this obviously has to be different for us. How do you incorporate such an intense mindset and lifestyle without actual sex (of any kind)? Or even sexUAL play? Sure, that's not what it's all about... but I've yet to see another relationship without that side to it. The sexuality of it is what draws people to it in the first place. And to be frank, I can't freaking wait till I'm married so I can enjoy that side of it myself. *g*

But. We're not married, and we're not changing our convictions. So what do we do?

We rely on the psychological. I'm actually really glad we had to figure this part out so thoroughly. It took lots more research, but eventually we came up with several things that enhance the power exchange behind the mindset. The way I see it, if it works now, it will definitely work once the sexual aspect is an option.

A constant awareness of my submission is what keeps my head in the right place. The way I do that is by following his rules; and by my following his rules, his head stays in the place it should be. Should I break those rules, D/d takes over. So, basically, I'm either following the rules, or breaking them, and either way I'm reminded of who I am and the lifestyle I have chosen.

Our Rules.

Obey him unless it's against the Bible
Show him respect both privately and publically
Always be honest with him
Stay on his right side
Ask for or wait for his permission to eat when I am with him
Don't interrupt him when he is speaking
Always wear my collar
Refer to him as Sir or Master in serious conversations and in answer to his questions
Don't walk away without permission
Write in my journal every day
Read my Bible every morning
Stop using foul language
Don't order him around

On top of those things, if he wants to, he picks out what he'd like for me to wear and/or my hairstyle/my shoes/fingernail color when he sees me next, and I'll serve him in little ways like fixing him something to drink, or his plate.

Anyway... there's more of a detailed look into our lives. I'd say we live a slightly alternative approach to all this [for now]?

So Much Better

2006-02-22T16:46:00.000-06:00

I take it my Mardi Gras rant didn't interest y'all? LoL. I don't blame you. Having had my life, seemingly, dashed to pieces by people seeking fame and fortune through ridiculous politics, stuff like that just frustrates me. I'm frustrated at those who let the parade happen this year, and I'm frustrated with the people who are actually going to it. I understand the surface "why"s" - partying, fun, all that ... but it just seems like a risk I wouldn't mess with considering the state of things in N.O.

Anyway.

Yesterday and today have just been so wonderful. I've felt so much better... and just happy. I didn't think it was possible for me to fall even more in love with Rico and feel like this lifestyle is more perfect than I already had.
So far, I've watched Rico slowly change and become this man I never though he would or could be. However, these past couple days have shown me even moreso just how much he has grown. He's a completely different person than he was SIX months ago... much less a little over two years ago when I first met him.
I feel sort of bad that I had this underlying negative attitude about his character going on in my head, now. I hadn't even realized it was there until yesterday!

I have also realized how much it means to me for him to reassure me and help pull me up once I've failed. I need the firm hand and the discipline, but I also need the gentle hand and the unconditional affection.

~~~

Looking back over the last couple weeks, I felt like I'd become a hopeless failure (as I'm sure was quite obvious from my second to last post). Yet, I didn't want to give up; I just didn't know how to go on. Especially when I found myself deliberately disobeying Rico the other day:

He'd asked me not to do something very simple - play a board game while he was on the phone with me. In, what I can only say was, a moment of insanity, I played anyway. I'd convinced myself that he was being unfair and mean, so why not? Pfft. I'll tell you why not - because it was a pure act of rebellion and defiance. Only a few hours later, I realized just exactly what I'd done and VWAP - nose dived into that depression thing I was telling y'all about.

It threw me for a loop when he took three days to inform me of my impending punishment for that little incident. In those three days, my mind tried to play so many tricks on me: "you've disappointed him so badly, he doesn't even want to do this anymore," "he thinks it's not worth it, or working, and so your punishment isn't anywhere near a priority in his life right now," etc, etc, etc.... trust me, I could go on forever with the crazy thoughts going through my head.

Come to find out, it truly had disappointed him, but he understood how serious it was for me to be so straight up defiant and felt the need to consider my punishment carefully. Unfortunately, simply wearing my butt out wasn't a possibility, therefore other things had to be resorted to.
I was expecting any and everything to come out of his mouth when he finally decided it was time for me to deal with it. So, I had my heart in a place where I only answered him with "Yes Sir" and questions precisely for making sure I understood the details correctly.

One day of punishment later, I was still sure he would continue to be upset even afterwards because of the severity. To my utter surprise, he forgave me so completely and exhibited it so well that I had no doubts in my mind that this incident was in the past for good.

That same night, a friend of mine sort of invited herself over to spend the night. Generally, this girl aggravates Rico and he gets moody while she's over. In the past, it stressed me out and made me feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells keeping the two of them happy. On top of that, I was worried because I'd just finished with all of my punishments and was scared that Rico may have wanted the night for just us to be able to talk.
But last night was totally different. He was the sweetest, most awesome guy a girl could ever want. Then today, he came over and brought me a Coke (which is like chocolate or roses to me!) and has just been incredible. I know I'm not being very specific, but I have to get off of here in a minute, lol.

~~~

So... that's what's been going on and how come I'm feeling SO much better now...

I love my Master/Dom so much.

Insane

2006-02-20T23:31:00.000-06:00

Why would someone subject themselves to a massive throng of wild, drunk and/or high people, all converging on a side-walk of maybe four feet on either side of a barely-legal-sized street in which there are giant moving objects constantly filling its small space? Not to mention that there are only about 1/3rd, or less, of the police officers that are generally required, and no open emergency rooms - only makeshift medical centers - in case something goes wrong?

Welcome to New Orlean's Mardi Gras 2006.

Just so you all know, it's nothing but a political gamble by the idiotic mayor of the city to have the parade this year. It's all about the city's revenue. Note the word "GAMBLE" people - I chose it specifically because we all know Louisiana is (or may as well be) the gambling capital of the world - it just fits the situation. This moron is taking a huge chance with all of these peoples' lives all for the money and the fame. New Orleans just IS NOT ready for something like this. In case you've missed recent news stories on the happenings down there - every time they try to jump into something they're not ready for yet, bad things have happened.

Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade was almost disasterous this year. That little float mishap on a larger scale in New Orleans will spell tragedy.

But there's also the chance that not a thing out of the ordinary will happen... Sadly, that's the chance this mayor is gambling with.

Thoughts of:

2006-02-19T01:37:00.000-06:00

Failure.

I've noticed that Rico and I have/are moving really, really fast in this lifestyle. Our personal lives are so drastically changed since August 25 of last year that it's quite shocking. That's not even six months yet folks.
Since that day, these are the sort of things that have happened:

1) We began to explore D/d together. At that time, D/s and M/s were entirely different worlds. The idea of discipline being a part of our relationship, however, was appealing. So, little did we know, we gradually began to sift through those worlds.

2) The sexual side of the lifestyles began to become clearer. Suddenly, the idea of Dominance, submission, and discipline being sexy wasn't so crazy after-all.

3) "Power exchange? What's that?" We learned about mindsets and the whole realm of the psychological behind this thing we found fit us so perfectly.

4) Rico began to feel "free" - everything about him began to become more confident. He understood all these underlying feelings he'd had for so many years at this point. When he got "free"... so did I. Submission - this concept I absolutely abhorred before - became a goal.

5) We started reading and learning about D/s and M/s. Labels became a very vague symbol; our lifestyle became one of our very own that was D/s with a very (loving) D/d foundation. M/s was still kind of deep for us, but we didn't totally understand it then either. We were still wrapped up in the stereotypical.

6) M/s became crystal clear. It didn't have to be what others had made it - it could have our own twist and fit our relationship the way we needed it to. Rico's Dominance and my submission were craving a more intense atmosphere; intense D/s bordering on M/s with that same (loving) D/d foundation was the perfect ideal. Talk about your lack of a defined label? Lol!

~~~

All that in less than six months. I'm not sure if you can see with that very un-detailed account of what happened just how major a change both of us have gone through, but it's HUGE!

However, there are side effects for such a quickly paced switch of lifestyles; as I've learned this past weekend. The side effect I'm experiencing is failure. It happens to everybody, sometimes often. But, going so fast, learning so quickly, changing so much, calls for LOTS and LOTS of failing. If I'm not careful how I deal with that - if I don't get back up on my feet right away and brace my heart - I'll nose dive into self pity and condemnation. And if I'm still not careful what I do, everything will build up to an exploding point. It also takes a lot of love and care on Rico's part to guide me through it and be there for me.

It took a lot of encouragement and explaining from Rico for me to get this tonight, but those are the facts. I'm going to mess up; I'm probably going to mess up a lot doing it this way. But it's what I want, it's what he wants, it's what we both really want. So instead of comparing myself to others (which I have a tendency to do), I need to do exactly what I said up there. I can't worry about if I get into more trouble and do things wrong more than so-and-so-over-on-this-forum-or-that-blog.

If I want to truly become a servant, a good submissive - it's going to take some breaking. But I have to handle it right, or failure becomes depression.

~~~

A good submissive doesn't give up, or fall into depression when she fails.

~~~

A good Dom is attentive enough to see His submissive struggling with failure, and is there with whatever type of motivation is needed to get her through.

~~~

Christianity

2006-02-15T14:55:00.000-06:00

After clicking a video link to a clip from the trading spouses TV show (that I got off of GoddessAradia's blog) ... I felt a major need to explain the type of Christianity I mean when I talk about it. To think that people are out there calling themselves Christians - who act this way - blew my mind. I mean, I'm not naive - I knew it existed. But to actually see and hear it, to that degree, with my own two eyes, seriously struck a nerve. In fact, it nearly broke my heart. There are people who see that and think to themselves, "I knew Christians were freaks[or insert your own adjective here]." at least to some level. It turns them off to the whole idea of true Christianity and stereotypes all of the rest of us who actually live the life.

Christianity is such a huge part of mine and Rico's life, and so foundational - even to the D/s lifestyle we've come to incorporate. I'm guessing some of you may not like this all that much, probably won't even read it, but that's alright; this is me; my heart.

When I say Christian, I don't mean it in the liberal, flippant way its so frequently used. No - not at all. In fact, I mean it just the way it's supposed to be defined:

Chris·tian
adj.

1. Professing belief in Jesus as Christ or following the religion based on the life and teachings of Jesus.
2. Relating to or derived from Jesus or Jesus's teachings.
3. Manifesting the qualities or spirit of Jesus; Christlike.

That being said, I do profess not only belief in Jesus as Christ, but that He is my Lord, my Savior, and that He died on a cross for me some 2000 years ago; I take the Bible literally, and live by it to the best of my ability. It's given me purpose and happiness beyond anything else in this world.

Sorry, I had to make sure that when people thought of me they weren't thinking of someone like that lady in that clip!!!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2006-02-14T00:46:00.000-06:00

This would be that evil piece of plywood I was telling y'all about - front view and side view.

And so, another annual Day of Love has come to greet us... Before I get to that, and what my gift was (and what it is becoming), however, I need to backtrack and let y'all know what all has been going on with me.

First, the fight. This actually happened last Monday. The conversation started perfectly fine, even went great for a while, and then Rico said something that ticked me off, and I exploded. I realized that I have had a lot of bitterness and hatred towards my dad that I'd started to take out on Rico. You see, the saying that girls grow up to marry someone like their Dad's (or the major male influence of their life) is actually fast becoming a reality for me. HOWEVER, like is the key word.
A lot of Rico's personality and good attributes are nearly identical to my Dad's and that made me stick the two of them together in my mind. So when arguments and fights would come up, I would immediately accuse him of being "just like my dad" and judge/assume things that just weren't true.

To make a long story short, I think Rico realized that he had to do something before I ruined our whole relationship on the basis of this fictional picture I had of him. So he told me exactly what my problem was. At first, I didn't want to hear it. But by the next day, it was starting to sink in and I really took it to heart. Finally, I humbled myself and admitted that he was right.

Rico has never said or done any of the hurtful things my father did all those years, and he never will. He may be like my dad, especially in the ways that actually appeal to me (ironic huh?), but he isn't my dad.

So that was the lesson I had to learn this weekend. I cannot take out those years of frustration and pain on him. He hasn't given me reason to, and he never will. Even if he does mess up (that's just reality), I still can't throw him in the same boat as someone who has a lifetime record of purposely hurting me.

I tell you what, the man has become a genius at coming up with punishments that will affect me just as much as a spanking when he is unable to give me an actual spanking. There's one in particular I'm too embarrassed to even write about, but it sure lets me know how freaking serious he is about things. Besides that one, there was computer restriction, lines, and I had to clean a lot of stuff.

~~~

~~~

OK onto the good stuff. *big smile* For Valentine's day... I'd been thinking of giving Rico a day of my life (among other things, of course). Gradually, events unrolled, and I took the plunge. So, Sunday, I was his, for real, slave. He says I did very well... but I did mess up once. For that, I had corner time and had to spank myself. But, once the day was over... part of me was so regretful. I didn't want it to end?

Rico and I have been exploring deeper levels of D/s a lot lately and slowly getting more and more intense. We've even touched on M/s and talked a lot about it. For us, this is a HUGE thing. If you'd have known me a year ago, you would've LAUGHED at the thought of me considering submission bordering and crossing over into, at times, slavery. The idea repulsed me.

But now, it's blowing my mind how set my heart is on deepening my submission - even to the level of slavery. After talking with Rico, I decided I wanted to continue the day I'd given him. It took a good bit of communication, and seriously thinking, but we'd been doing that a lot up until this point anyway. Neither of us are sure of how long it will last, but we're definitely experimenting. I'm so happy??

There's so many major factors of our relationship that even make the idea possible for me. The way we believe, the convictions on things we have, our feelings and thoughts... they all, amazingly, line up frighteningly perfectly. Without that, I'm not sure (at ALL) that I would feel the way I do about this.

To conclude, the summary of this weekend has been the beginning of what is an experiment, but what could become a giant new step for us.

Jack & Bella (part 2)

2006-02-12T21:24:00.000-06:00

I'm back! Rico took a couple days off my restriction after he was able to spank me a few times with this evil piece of plywood he found... and he made me keep it "for future reference!!" ARGH! Anywayz, tomorrow I will post more about my weekend, why I got in trouble in the first place, and my Valentine's gift to Rico. *smile*

For those of you who felt the first part of Jack & Bella was too intense, this second part should be nicer; however - it does have a non-typical slant to it. If y'all like this couple enough, I'll post more stories in the future.

~~~

Bella knelt at his feet; her head bowed respectfully. Tears seeped from her eyes and trickled over the curves of her nostrils. She found herself, yet again, in a punishment session with her husband. It’d been a while since the disobedience incident, however, she’d managed to, once again, forget about one of his requests one too many times.

“How many times have we gone over this, Bella?” Jack questioned rigidly.
A cry in her throat roughened her reply, “Several, Sir.” She dared not lift her face to meet his harsh glare. Her heartbeat bellowed in her ears and her stomach balked at what was to come. Jack slowly began to pace a short distance from her humbled figure. He knew she was truly sorry; he even knew that she hadn’t meant to disobey him in the first place. However, he attributed her recurring, short-term memory to a lack of serious regard for the standard he had set. Clasping his hands behind him, he continued to walk every inch of the five or six foot parameter in front of Bella. He really didn’t like these serious meetings, but they had an obviously good effect on he and Bella’s relationship ever since they’d become a part of their marriage .

“Stand.” Jack suddenly commanded. Without hesitation, Bella raised her body to meet his demand. “Look at me and tell me why you are here.” The shadows in the dimly lit room blacked his eyes out, leaving an emotionless cavern behind his voice.
With some effort, she lifted her eyes to him and began, “I’m here, Sir, because I’ve, yet again, disobeyed one of your simple requests. This is the fourth time in a row I’ve forgotten to write in my journal before twelve.” Her voice threatened to fail her, but she managed to get it all out. “Apparently, you don’t think it’s important enough to be a priority in your life?” He stood stark still and waited for a reply.
“I do, Sir! I’m so sorry. I truly do understand why it’s important to you, and to me!” She answered quickly.
Finally, he stepped towards her and the shadows dipped behind his head, “Which is why, exactly?”
“Because writing down my thoughts and actions from the day shows you what I’m feeling. It shows you that I’m submitting my life to you and opening my heart to your presence.”

Dense silence invaded the room for several moments. Bella wished the hard, wood floor beneath her feet would swallow her whole. Glancing behind Jack at the red walls surrounding them both, she regretted choosing such an imposing color. There was something ominous and controlling about the darkness the room held at night. But, it sure fit the situation. A deep part of Bella was glad the physical circumstances matched. She’d, almost stereotypically, been the spouse to bring up the concept of Domestic Discipline and Domination and Submission. Surprisingly, however, and non-stereotypically, her husband had taken to it like a plant to fertilized ground. He’d grown firm roots and a strong standing in the lifestyle within only a few months. Something she was, both thankful for and, at times, shocked at and even uncertain about.

Jack’s voice broke the quiet first, “Go and get the small hairbrush.” His tone seemed slightly gentler, but still held all the determination it had since the beginning of the punishment session. The thought of the small hairbrush sent shivers through Bella’s nerves. It was a black, short hairbrush, with a head no wider than an inch. Because it was made of thick plastic, used in a repetitive, flicking sort of way, it was excruciating. Though the sting only slightly colored her skin and hardly ever left a mark, the pain build-up could become agonizing within moments. Not wanting to aggravate Jack, Bella found the implement and returned quickly.

When she went to hand it to him, he surprised her by saying, “Keep it, I won’t be the one using it tonight.” Confusion rippled across her face.
She wasn’t sure she heard him correctly, “Sir?”
“You heard me, Bella. Now, lay down on your right side on the bed.”
Slightly hesitant, she did what she was told.
“Pull your left leg up and keep your right leg straight.”
Still holding the hairbrush in her hand, she continued to follow his instructions and look at him quizzically.
Jack crossed the room and opened the closet. From there, he retrieved a thin, lexan cane. Rounding the bed, he stood directly in front of Bella’s face, “Listen close. I will not repeat myself.” He paused and waited for her “yes Sir,” “I’m going to give you a command. If you do not follow them perfectly, you will receive five strokes with this cane. Do I make myself clear?”
Bella stared at him seriously, then quietly answered, “Yes, Sir.”
“Good. I sincerely hope I will not have to use it. Don’t disappoint me.” Jack placed the lexan cane on the bed beside her. “Now. You will take the hairbrush in your hand and spank the inside top of your right thigh fifty times. I know that you cannot see, but do your best to aim for the exact same spot every time. Snap your wrist and make each stroke hard. No matter what, do not lessen the strength of the slap. If you must, pause and regain control. Understand?”
The shock of the order coursed through Bella’s insides. He was asking her to spank herself; with him there and perfectly capable of doing it himself. Humiliation blushed her body a deep pink, “I can’t!!” She exclaimed.
“You can, and trust me - you will. Take your pants and panties off.” Jack’s voice was cold and completely inflexible.
Anger and thorough embarrassment caused her to seethe a few seconds before she complied. Once she’d pushed her clothes to her knees, she kicked them roughly off the side of the bed.
“Now your shirt.”
The impulse to throw her blouse at him struck her, but common sense prevailed. Slowly, she dropped her shirt off the side of the bed and resumed her previous position.

Once she’d settled herself and Jack was sure he wasn’t going to have to persuade her to follow his commands, he told her to begin the spanking.
It took every ounce of self control within Bella to use the hairbrush to inflict pain upon her own, sensitive thigh. She reviewed what he’d told her about snapping her wrist and making the spank count before actually landing the first stroke. SMACK! Just as she’d remembered, that little black hairbrush stung like the dickens. Forcing herself past the mental blocks that popped up all over, Bella flicked the brush at her thigh again and again. SMACK! SMACK!
It wasn’t hard to keep the brush aimed at one spot, but the urge to purposely change areas was nearly overwhelming. Somehow, however, she fought it off and continued on. Changing the pace was the only thing he’d hadn’t restricted her control on. But it hardly mattered. The longer she took between swats, the more it seemed to hurt. Yet, the faster she went, the quicker the pain built up to nearly unbearable. Forty eight, forty NINE, fifty!! Bella sighed wearily and dropped her head against the comforter.

“Now, turn over and repeat what you just did on your other thigh.”
“Oh please Jack! I just can’t do it... it hurts so much! Could you please just do it yourself?”
“No. This is about obedience, and self control. I’m not going to repeat myself again - turn over.” A pitiful cry escaped her throat as she began to spank herself again. The second set of fifty was no easier than the first. This time, Bella noticed herself trembling uncontrollably by the time she finished. She breathed heavily into the blankets and closed her eyes in momentary relief. A warm hand began to caress her face.
“I’m proud of you, Bella.” She looked up into his eyes and forced a weak smile. Suddenly, she remembered what this was all about. Pleasing him. Her attitude became immediately repentent again. She recalled how horrible she felt over repeating the same crime for the fourth time in a row. After a minute or so, Jack pulled his hand away and waited for her to look up at him.

“You’re not quite done yet.” He steeled himself again and watched as she grimaced and slowly became remorseful and sorrowful. “Position yourself the same way, but, this time, tilt your body to where you’re able to aim for your sit spot. One hundred spanks to each side - just as before.” Sobs bubbled up inside Bella’s chest and she swallowed hard to prevent them from leaking out.

The first fifty were like the previous two sets of fifty as far as pain. However, by around seventy, it was becoming harder and harder to bring herself to flick her wrist downward. At one point, she nearly stopped completely. A sharp, “Continue!” from Jack pushed her past that edge. One at a time, tears began to dribble from her eyelids. By the time she finished the second hundred, quiet sobs had begun to push from her throat. They were mostly out of having her pride so broken to pieces. It was one thing to be spanked by Jack, it was totally different to be made to spank herself by Jack. Finding the strength to make her brain override its instincts was absolutely exhausting, as well.

Once she’d finished her own spanking, Bella dropped the hairbrush and buried her face in her hands. She wasn’t sure if her punishment was over, but she was sure she couldn't take actually spanking herself anymore. Jack’s soft, loving lips comforted her. He pushed the hair from her face, and pulled her hands down, “You’re almost done, sweet Bella.” Ever so gently, he pushed his arm under her torso and pulled her to him as he sat on the bed. Sitting her in his lap, he held her close for a short while.

Words seemed inappropriate, so after a few minutes, Jack simply laid Bella down over his lap. He made sure her upper and lower body were supported by the soft bed, then pulled her waist against his. He knew she was exhausted from pushing herself so far. Her body still shook slightly from the exertion. Holding his arm securely around her middle, he picked up the lexan cane and began to finish the punishment.

Instead of using the full length of the cane, which wasn’t all that long anyway, Jack held it about midways in order to use it in the position he was in. POP! The first whap of the cane caught Bella completely off guard and she cried out involuntarily. Ready to finish this punishment just as badly as she, Jack brought the cane down quickly. He gave her no time to feel the difference between each stroke. Instead, each streak of fire created a single blaze that covered her entire bottom.
Too exhausted to fight, Bella cried out and clenched her fists throughout the caning. Despite Jack using the cane in such an odd way, it was still doing a perfectly fine job.
Before she’d realized it was really over, Jack was pulling her up into his lap and flooding her face with kisses. The warmth of his touch, and the love of his strong arms, made her cry all the more.

One thing was for sure, there was no way she was going to forget to write in her journal ever again. It didn’t matter if that meant covering the walls in sticky notes reminding herself to do so, she would not forget.

~~~

Punished and A Story

2006-02-08T23:16:00.000-06:00

Well, once again, I'm gone till Monday... *big, huge, sad sigh* SOoooo.. to tide y'all over until my magnificent return, I decided to post this story I wrote.

Now, BEWARE, this is kind of deep... very D/s with some BDSM. I've started a sort of series with this couple, however, and this was the beginning - so, you have to read it to get to know some of the background. When I get back, if this hasn't scared you all away (weg), I'll post the second story. If this one is too much for you, try the next one anyway; it's not as intense.

~~~

“I can’t do this!” Her voice trembled and threatened to break.
Silence followed her desperate plea, and then his thick, harsh voice filled her left ear, “You can! And you WILL!” With that, the crop in his hand fell like rain against the entire inside of her thighs. She clenched her teeth together and defiantly willed herself to stay silent.
She stood at the foot of the bed, completely naked, her legs and arms spread wide. Each wrist was secured to the middle of each bedpost, just low enough for the ropes to catch at the bed footer, while her ankles where tied likewise to the bottoms of each post. Being somewhat petit, this position forced her to lean forward and thrust her bottom out in an utterly vulnerable way. If she leaned just a bit more, her face would brush against the mattress.
Suddenly her mind comprehended the repeating stroke against her right thigh. She arced her back and groaned, although she kept her mouth firmly closed. It took only a few more slaps to force her to thrust herself, as best she could, away from the crop. He was hitting the same place over, and over, and over again! Finally she was sure she couldn’t take another lick.
“Please, Sir! Please! I will obey you!” Tears spilled down her cheeks and dripped between her parted lips.
The crop ceased it’s attack, and was followed by a warm, soothing palm.
“Yes, you will.” He murmured quietly as he rubbed the fire away. She sobbed uncontrollably now and hung her head against the soft blanket. His palms gently caressed her thighs, bottom, and back, before moving to her face.
“Bella... Bella...” He leaned across her arm as he whispered her name, then pulled her face towards him to kiss her deeply. She slowly faded into his mouth and hungrily returned his love.

He’d chosen this secondary name from a list of other language translations for the words “servant,” “bond-servant,” or “slave.” Because of its close spelling with the Spanish word for “beautiful,” which was “bello,” he’d decided this specific translation would be perfect.

After a few moments, Bella felt him pull away and she looked up at his face dreadfully. Just as she’d imagined, it had darkened again. His jaw was taut, and his eyes pierced her very soul.
“Why are you like this, Bella?”
Another tear leaked from her eyes, and her breath caught in her throat - causing her to make little gasping noises between her words, “Because I was disobedient to you, Sir.”
“Yes. You disappointed me greatly. I trust you to obey my commands - not to dismiss them without a care. But tonight, you will learn the meaning of obedience.”
By now, he’d walked behind her and she couldn’t tell what he was doing.
“Jake? Please, give me another chance?” She cried as more tears threatened.
“What did you just call me?” His voice boomed from behind her, and before she had a chance to respond, a lash of fire spread across the backs of her thighs. She screamed out in pain.
“Answer me!” He demanded, another streak of flames directly on top of the other.
“I meant, Sir! I meant SIR!” She replied immediately amid breathless cries. Whatever he was using felt as though it were stripping the skin completely off her legs.
“Good girl.” He patted her bottom gently, then pinched the middle of each cheek - as if to make two bull’s-eyes. The blaze licked each cheek, exactly where he’d pinched, two more times.
Another minute or two passed quietly, excepting her sobs, before Bella felt the ties around her ankles loosening.
“Kneel.” He commanded once her feet were free.
She did as she was told as quickly as possible. With her arms still stretched wide, she felt like a strange sort of crucifix. And here she was, paying for her sins.

“Pick up your feet, but do not let your stomach touch the wood.” Came the next command.

Hopeless whimpers escaped her lips as she slowly lifted her feet. The only way to keep from touching her belly was to arc her back outwards, but that made her feet more susceptible to touching the floor.
It was nearly impossible, but that was the point, wasn’t it? To see just how far she would go, and just how hard she would try, to obey him. She wondered if he was setting her up to fail - just to drive in the point that when she did disobey him, there would be grave consequences.

Abruptly, Bella began to feel a relentless need to urinate. Embarrassment flooded over her and she squeezed her legs together in an attempt to stop the fates. In her act to hold her bodily fluids back, she lost her balance and fell against the foot of the bed. Sobs flowed freely as she desperately tried to explain her predicament to Jake.
He listened quietly before saying simply, “Spread your legs.”
She looked at him in confusion, but gradually scooted her knees apart. He left the room, and upon returning, slid a metal bucket beneath her.
“You can’t be serious!” She screeched in disbelief.
“You question me?” He replied firmly, “Relieve yourself.”
Her face flushed hot with anger, but it didn’t take long for her to finally release the pent up pressure between her legs. When she was finished, Jake himself took a swab of toilet paper and wiped her clean. She was utterly humiliated.
As he moved the bucket to another part of the room, he stated, “You touched the wood, Bella.”
“I had to!” She answered frightfully.
“Did you, now?” He was back at her side. Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted another implement in his hand, but she couldn’t quite make it out. “Did you also have to leave the house and spend the entire day with your friend?”
She bowed her head and looked away.
“I didn’t think so.”
The implement soon revealed itself, clearly, as it fell brazenly against her tender bottom and thighs. A thick tawse. He whipped her with it a good fifteen times before setting it down. Her cries and dramatic bucking let him know the message was getting through loud and clear.
“Now,” He said, a bit more softly, as he untied the ropes around her hands, “this is how the next part of your punishment will go...” Once the ropes were off the bedposts, he pulled her arms behind her back and tied her wrists there, “You will stay on your knees, and using nothing but your mouth, you will empty that pail in its proper place,” Her eyes grew as big as saucers and she jerked her head around to glare at him, “After you complete that task, which you will do with ginger accompanying you, I will finish off your punishment with the bath brush.” He paused and took her face in his hands, “Will you obey me, Bella?”
The resentment left her features, and the question brought her back to the whole reason behind this giant ordeal. She dropped her eyes and whispered, “Yes, Sir. I will obey you.”
He kissed her forehead gently, and put his hand on her back to push her upper torso forward.

He’d prepared the ginger root a short while before the punishing had begun, intending on using it. This new situation provided an even better opportunity for its use than he’d previously planned.
“Don’t move, Bella.” He said gently, taking his hand off her back to assist the insertion. Her fists clenched as he pushed the root deep inside her, and she gasped once the effects of it began to permeate her tender flesh. Without warning, Jake began to hand spank her protruding bottom. She squeaked in protest, but stayed completely still. However, he blew her mind when he, almost roughly, pulled her legs apart and spanked her most intimate parts. Every muscle between her legs contracted in shock and she let out a piteous whine of protest. She'd never thought he'd turn something, that was usually left only for pleasure, into an experience purely a part of punishment. Nonetheless, she kept her legs spread and kept her position. The further this whole ordeal went, the more she found herself actually submitting to it. She imagined that he reasoned she'd broken a level of intimate trust with him when she let him down through her defiant act of disobedience, and as one way of getting that through to her, he chose to inflict pain on an intimate part of her body. But really and truly, it was more mind play than actual pain. When he finally stopped, he gave her permission to move, then stood up to observe the next course of action.

Once again, the flush of embarrassment coated her naked body as she made her way towards the pail. Having no handle, she hoped, furtively, that she’d gotten no urine on the pail’s rim.
“Please, please, please...” She whispered, almost inaudibly, as she came nearer to it. A sigh of relief shook her body when she saw that it was clean. But, she then realized she’d still have to pick it up with her teeth and risk spilling the whole thing right on her face. The thought almost gagged her and stopped her dead in her tracks.
After swallowing every ounce of pride and dignity she had, she leaned down and gripped her teeth around the rim. Getting to the toilet wouldn’t be the hard part, as she could keep her head bowed low. The hard part would be lifting the pail and pouring it without getting any liquid on herself.
Tears seeped through her eyes as she pondered the facts behind the matter. All this because she’d deliberately chosen to discard a request Jake had made of her. How hard was it to simply stay home for a day? His request wasn’t a mean or harsh one. Perhaps he’d even had something special planned. Her selfishness had ruined all that, of course. So, here she found herself, on her knees, a pail of urine hanging from her teeth, a finger of ginger root hanging out of her butt, making her way towards the bathroom.

Jake followed her from a short distance, and felt a hint of regret at making her follow through with this last assignment. The idea had only just come to him as the urge to pee had overcome her. He knew it would get through to her, however, and that was the only thing that kept him hard towards sympathy. It was embarrassing and humiliating enough to stay clearly on her mind the next time her asked her to do something.

The heat of the ginger was beginning to make her sweat, and she clamped her teeth down harder on the pail to better deal with its intensity. Once she made it to the toilet, though, she knew she’d have to concentrate fully on the dumping of the pail’s contents rather than the ginger, or suffer the self-inflicted consequences. Somehow, she managed to prop the pail up on the toilet edge, and use her shoulder as a sort of support as she poured. Task complete, she turned to see a pleased smile etched across Jake’s face.
“Stand up and let’s go finish this.” He helped her up, then walked her to the edge of the bed. Taking his seat, he pulled her across his left knee. Knowing the brushing, over the previous cropping, caning, tawsing, and hand spanking, was going to definitely cause her some discomfort, Jake left her hands tied and pulled his right leg over both of hers.
Her very compliant, remorseful nature was noted as he picked up the brush, “Bella, it’s almost over. I love you so very much, thank you for taking your punishment so well.” She answered with a tearful, “I love you too, Sir.” and he began the last of her spanking.
Steeling himself for the last time, he spanked her clear past her sobs and cries, until her bottom glowed a deep crimson red.
When it was finally over, he pulled her up and laid her over the edge of the bed. Some more tender, sweet love then took place as Jack fully reclaimed his own.

All said and done, Bella still felt truly loved, protected, and very much back under the control and authority of her husband.

~~~

Just for the record..

2006-02-07T22:08:00.000-06:00

The ref's were so paid off.

I Watched Him Sleep

2006-02-06T01:00:00.000-06:00

Tonight, something clicked inside me. For the first time in a while, Rico and I were able to spend all day together. It was wonderful and not a single thing went wrong (well, except my fath... nevermind, I'll leave that for whiney-post-day).

Anyway, night came all to quickly, and the two of us were just relaxing on the couch. Both of us were pretty tired, but Rico more so. He asked me to rub his head and his arms as he laid down on a pillow. Now, at first, I was concentrating on both of us. His comfort and mine. But, eventually I realized that because of the position we were in, someone's convenience was going to have to suffer. At first it frustrated me. I wiggled and squirmed and tried to get in a snug position in which I could still rub his head and arms... but nothing was working.

That's when something clicked. I stayed still for a minute and just stared off into space. He was going to have to drive home, he was falling asleep, my true desire is to please him, his happiness was as easy to attain to massaging him for a while... I suddenly felt incredibly selfish and greedy.

Without another thought, I slipped off of the couch and knelt at his side. From there, it was easy for me to reach his arms, head, and shoulders. For over 45 minutes I knelt there and watched him sleep while I gently stroked his upper body. There was not a single sexual thing about the entire ordeal. But, as I sat there studying his soft breathing, ever so slightly twitching eyelids, and thick-gelled hair, the submissive inside me just bubbled over. It was, by far, one of the most fulfilling things I have ever done. I gave up my physical comfort to intensify his, and, in turn, I received a heartwarming experience I will never forget. To top it off, once he awoke, the smile he gave me and the grateful hug and kiss on the forehead... made it even more "worth it."

(I just wish I could always be so unselfish!!)

~~~

A good Dom understands the value of praising and rewarding; even the smallest words or actions are huge in the eyes of the sub.

~~~

A good submissive is truly happy to serve and give rather than bask in self-pleasure; which, in theory, is actually more pleasurable to that sub than selfishness ever would have been.

~~~

Report

2006-02-02T23:20:00.000-06:00

Mine is almost exactly like the far left pic. except flipped the opposite way.

Well, I went to the doctor today and... here's what happened:

For all of you who don't know from my previous post, I was diagnosed with scoliosis a little over two months ago (scoliosis is when your spine curves to the side - my curve is 34 degrees and is a C shape in about the middle of my back). Anyways... to make a long story short, the chiropractor I first went to advised me to see a specialist because nothing he was doing was working.

The new doctor explained that the pain I'm having is from two things: 1) the curved part of my spine pulling the muscles opposite the curve in ways they just weren't meant to go - which in turn aggravates all the nerves that come off of my spine directly into those muscles, and 2) the curve is angled enough that it pinches the disk that's at its peak when I do certain things.

Since my body won't be doing any more growing, it shouldn't get worse - there are rare cases when the curve does worsen. Which rules out surgery, for now. (Thank God!) So, this is what he wants me to do - go to physical therapy a couple times a week for a while, then do the exercises I learn there at home and see if it strengthens the muscles and helps with the nerve aggravation. He prescribed me a stronger version of Aleve to take twice a day for a couple weeks and then whenever, but no hard pain killers. Which I probably won't even get filled because I've been taking enough normal Aleve and mixing other over the counter stuff that equals or even surpasses that already. I got the feeling that he was hesitant about stronger pain killers for some reason. I had family there and didn't really get a chance to say much, lol.

Hopefully therapy and taking medicine almost constantly for a while (which I never did before - only when it hurt really bad) will stop the nerve issues and help with whatever's all flared up right now. The one thing the doctor told me that was hard to hear was that I'll probably always have problems on and off. My spine is weakened because of the curve and that disk might really be a pain if I pick up something too heavy or twist/bend/move it wrong...

Also, the one thing that scared me the most was that if in three months nothing is getting any better, or if I just happen to be one of those rare cases in which my spine does curve more even after skeletal maturity, I'll be looking at surgery.

Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers...

Tired

2006-01-31T00:22:00.000-06:00

I photographed this a while back... I've always like it. Plus, it seems to fit this post.

I'm so exhausted. No, I haven't worked all day. I haven't been gone all day. I haven't done hardly anything but walk around the house... all day. But I'm dead tired. Have been for the past week.

It's because I can't sleep. I toss and turn all night long, and wake up all hours of the night.

And I know why - my entire back just aches so much so that my body cannot relax . Muscle pain and nerve problems. I'm going to see the doctor soon and I sure hope they can help. I've had enough of these sleepless nights. It's really starting to catch up to me. Pain + no sleep = an irritable, sad me. The past few days I've been on the verge of (if not) depression, and very easily aggravated. Tonight, I finally put two and two together.

Pain can do strange things to people. Or is that just my thinking? It can make you happy, it can make you sad, it can actually turn you on, it can change your life, your thoughts, and your feelings... so much, for such a small word.

Masters Have Bad Days TOO!

2006-01-28T21:09:00.000-06:00

Rico's new toy... yes, it's a freakin' dog collar that he thinks makes a perfect strap.

Yes, I know. As crazy as that sounds... it's true. OMGOSH...what to do..what to do?!

Everything aggravates him, anything you say can and will be used against you, breathing can suddenly have an "attitude." If you point out that he's in a bad mood, you're being disrespectful, and if you close your mouth and cease to speak - you're laying a guilt trip!

AHhhhh. Is your head about to explode? Do you feel something like THIS?!:

Slightly morbid...but hey, you get the "picture" *g*

~sigh~

But it happens. As the sub in this type of circumstance, what do you do? Sure, you entertain thoughts of wanting to cap him upside his head with that saucepan... but in reality, you want things back to normal, and you want to remain a faithful sub even in the hard times.

And they *are* hard times. Those days are the ones where you fight thoughts of throwing it all away, where you momentarily forget the great times, and your idea of your Dom as a person narrows to the way he's acting right then. The most difficult thing about it is not succumbing to acting out. After all, he is - so doesn't that give you the right?

Actually, it doesn't. Not if you want to avoid an eruption of emotions, the major fights, and, eventually, feeling guilty or even bitter and hateful. It takes a whole lot of strength, and a lot of maturity to step back and try to see the whole picture. I've found that, more often than not, when I find that will inside of me (because God knows I'm still pretty weak and immature most of the time), it eventually gets to him and he "sees the error of his ways." *smirk*

There's actually a verse in Proverbs that talks about how when acts of good are done in return for evil it "heaps coals of fire" upon the evil-doer's head. In other words, makes them feel bad and take a look at the way they're acting.

So here's a challenge for all the subs out there (INCLUDING MYSELF!!!), the next time he's having a rough day, and is just completely out of sorts: step back and take a look at the whole picture. Remember how much you love him, and why. Think about what you say, and the things you do. Remain respectful and obedient to any rules you have despite his attitude. And watch what happens. It may take a long time... it may even be the next day. But when he thinks about the way things normally go and begins to compare that to the way you acted this time... something will click. When that happens, you'll be able to talk openly about his "bad day" and he'll return to normal. *hopefully*

Now, like always, there are exceptions, and I won't overcomplicate things by explaining them all.

~~~

A good Dom acknowledges when he's had such bad days and been not-so-perfect in conduct. Also, he is able to evaluate himself and, yes, when necessary, APOLOGIZE! Being able to do as such is what earns the respect and honor that characterizes a true leader.

~~~

A good sub can see when her Dom is having a rough time, and tries to look at it from all angles. Instead of becoming the "second wrong", she, instead, continues to fulfill her duties as a sub. Perhaps even pushing herself a little further to please him all the more.

~~~

Consistency

2006-01-26T00:15:00.000-06:00

Such a big word. What is consistency, exactly (in the context I'm talking about)?

Reliability or uniformity of successive results or events... (from here)

Reliabilty ... successive results/events. Hmmm.

In D/d language? When the same offense crops up repeatedly, you can count on it resulting in punishment. Notice I didn't say the same punishment. Because, sometimes, repeat offenses call for a more severe consequence.

Anyway. Consistency is so incredibly important. Still considering myself kind of new to actually being involved in a D/d relationship, I can attest to this. But, even knowing all that, there are times when I balk at forms of consistency...

For instance: when I truly forget. My brain just doesn't want to comprehend being in trouble for something I didn't mean to do. However, after all is said and done, the fact that he stayed strong and firm always fulfills my true need. I become grateful and thankful that I can depend on him to keep me in check consistantly. I remember that I asked for it, and that this is what I really want.

Although I sometimes hesitate, I've made a committment with myself not to fight any consequence he deems necessary. So far, I've yet to be sorry for that.

Unfortunately, I read about people all the time who fight, control, and twist punishments into what they think they want, in that split moment, while it's all happening. Then, after making it into something it wasn't meant to be, they feel guilty and regret ever doing so. Sometimes even becoming angry that their manipulative behavior was heeded. Which, in turn, confuses the punisher to wit's end.

The way I see it, if you want consistency - you have to allow consistency. Fantasies, a lot of times, consist of the sub being overpowered and punished mercilessly by their Dom... Reality is much different. Especially in modern times. I believe that, eventually, such a relationship gets to the point where fight or not, the punisher knows what's got to happen. However, it takes time, experience, and clear communication to get to that point.

Truth be told, I know it's completely in my power how my punishment goes at this point. I know enough about us both that if I do this certain thing, he won't do that. However, I try to take that knowledge humbly and suppress the panicky-oh-my-gosh-he's-about-to-beat-me-with-that-thing-MUST-STOP-IT! thoughts.

That's what you have to do though - promise yourself you won't interfere (if possible) with the punishment itself.

Trust.

-All that goes out the window if the punishment is insane or unsafe. OF COURSE.

~~~

A good sub, in all simplicity, actually submits to her Dom's will.

~~~

The Difference

2006-01-24T21:51:00.000-06:00

As Rico and I are beginning to intensify things concerning this lifestyle, I'm learning more and more about details. The specific things that make up who I really am, and the things that make up who Rico really is. It's quite a shocking thing to wake up one day and realize that some lines you thought you had have suddenly changed.

Anyway... as I look around and really study the different roles that make up the people who get involved in this life style, it's occuring to me that they are all just that - incredibly different. The main difference I'm getting at, however, is the difference between the good and the bad. I don't claim to be an expert, or that anyone should agree, but it is my opinion. *g* As often as I can, I'm going to post a specific something that I've noted. It'll be either what I think makes up a good Dom, or what I think makes up a good sub.

~~~

A good Dom won't become puffed up with pride by his power and control. Instead, he will value his authority and use it to better his sub as a person - which is ultimately what pleases him more than anything.

~~~

How I Told Him

2006-01-23T23:26:00.000-06:00

First, I need to give you a little history. Ever since I was little, I knew I liked spanking; I played spanking games, and I had metamorphosis going on in my stomach when I read something with spanking in it, or saw a spanking scene on television. But I really realized what was going on when I discovered the online world. For two years I read about as much a day as a person can. It blew my mind that there were others out there, and that I wasn't the only person on the planet who liked to have pain inflicted to their backside. THEN (to my astonishment), I ran across D/d. Whoa. The butterflies hatched and were trying to escape at that point.

Anywayz. That's also where I made my first mistake. I tried to tell my [then] current boyfriend about it all. Word to the wise: Not everyone takes the concept of spanking and D/d so well. And there I was - back to feeling like a freak of nature. So, I buried all my feelings and desires, deleted all the links I'd frequented, and shut myself off to this incredible world.

Eventually, I met Rico. It didn't take long for us to realize we were perfect for each other and would be together forever. Really. However, I had told myself a hundred zillion times that I would never tell him about my secret fantasies. I wasn't about to risk our relationship for it. As far as I was concerned, he was worth more to me than that. Fortunately, he actually was into the play spanking stuff too, and I wound up being able to, at least, talk about most of the erotic stuff.

And then it happened. I screwed up - badly. The impeccable trust between us, that I'd prided myself on, was suddenly broken. Careless words stripped it all away. He was so hurt; I can still remember the pained look in his eyes. ~sigh~

I felt so bad... and I wanted nothing more than to make up for it. Make him happy again. Clear the slate and go back to normal. Of course, the best way for that to happen in my mind was a good, old fashioned, butt-whipping. I couldn't tell him that, though. So, I devised a way to admit my need to, at least, be punished. Lots of talking later, I straight up asked him if he would come up with a way for me to make up for what I'd done. I was sort of getting the silent treatment, so I didn't expect much of a reply. Surprisingly, he waited a moment, then said he would do it, but was unable to think of anything at the time. Even more surprisingly, he decided that he would come up with something and tell me the next day. ~gasp~

The whole night and next morning were torture for me. I couldn't hardly sleep. I just wanted it all to be over with, and wished so badly that the thoughts of him taking a belt to my backside would go away. They didn't. In fact, everything I'd worked so hard to forget about was suddenly crashing back into my world. Just as I was contemplating telling him what I truly thought would fit as punishment (and thus reveal the universe of my hidden desires), a text message popped up on my computer.

Imagine my utter shock as I read the following:

"I want to whip you but I can't. So I'm gunna have to find something else... I love you. What do you think your punishment should be?"

It's a good thing I didn't have anything in my mouth; I almost choked on my own tongue. I'd never once hinted around about D/d or being spanked as a punishment. My previous experience had left me terrified of even remotely mentioning anything to do with it.

Needless to say, it wasn't long after that I was able to pour out my whole heart. He grew up with the same Americanized principles as every other 21st century boy - don't hit girls/don't hurt girls/treat your wife like precious china/etc. But something deep inside him was different. Maybe it's how I presented it, maybe it's that those desires were lying dormant in him the whole time, or maybe it was the fact that he was so hurt and this just clicked as a wonderful solution to those type of ordeals. I'm not sure, but I am incredibly grateful. I do know that having a love ten oceans deep for one another definitely contributed to whatever the answer is.

Over time, I was able to open up to him more than I ever imagined I would. There's nothing he doesn't know about me, my thoughts, or my desires anymore. And he accepts it all. He shocks me all the time by how similar his feelings on things are to mine. Closet spanko doesn't even begin to describe him. I've unleashed someone I never knew existed. *weg*

- "Be careful what you ask for..." pretty much covers it. -

And btw, *g*, I did get a short spanking for breaking [by lying] that trust. It took time, and me giving him a lot of space to figure it all out, but, eventually (weeks later - to be honest), it did happened. Nothing compared to what most would consider a "true" spanking... but it was more than enough.

:)

Yay!

2006-01-22T20:03:00.000-06:00

OK... the comments work now. Bonnie saved the day by reminding me about haloscan. Anywayz... I still don't like the blue links, or how close the "comments & trackback" are to the blog post title... but whatever; at least it all works like it's supposed to. The nit picky stuff will just have to come later.

Now... how do y'all like the new look? :)

EDIT: GRRRR!!!! *pulls hair out again* It looks totally different on I.E. and I have not the FIRST CLUE as to how that can be fixed... *goes to cry*

You know you're a spanko when...

2006-01-21T02:21:00.000-06:00

I had posted in a comment on Bethie's blog about writing something like this... so, with the actual inspiration from Bonnie and lots of quotes from this forum, I give you:

"You Know You're a Spanko When..."

14) You're with your son in a sound proof room in a hospital (so that his hearing can be tested), and you start thinking.., "I wonder how they did this?" and, "How can I build one at home?"
13) You're reading a book, watching a T.V. show or movie, and you find yourself thinking there should be a spanking scene included in the plot.
12) You wonder how every behind you see would look reddened.
11) You smack anything with a flat surface against your thigh to hear the sound it makes and find out how it feels.
10) You shop for creams for your (or your s/o's) butt.
9) You can't pass up the wooden spoons, spatulas, or cutting boards on any store's kitchen isle.
8) You start classifying people as spanko or non-spanko, and then a step further to tops, bottoms, or switches.
7) You see a young woman giving her man an attitude and you think to yourself, "She needs a spanking!"
6) You can't pass up Cracker Barrel without thinking of the CB paddle.
5) You automatically fold any belt you pick up in two.
4) The only movie you have saved to your DVR is "The Secretary."
3) You find yourself converting mini blind rods, drumsticks, hairbrushes, fishing poles, and various other every day objects into full fledged spanking implements.
2) In your mind, normal conversations suddenly become filled with spanking-puns (hot-crossed buns, "cheek" color, etc)

And the #1 reason (because I think so) for knowing you're a spanko is when:

1) You walk past a tree and note how the branches would make [either] good or bad switches!

Changes

2006-01-21T00:03:00.000-06:00

OK... I'm in the middle of changing stuff... so if things look weird, give it a little time. Thank you!

Also, you'll note I added an F/m blog to my link-list. F/m isn't really my thing at all, but the attitude of the writer completely captivated me. He decided to make himself the sub of a one-sided D/s relationship. His submission blows my mind. If you have a heart for submission, or find it interesting, you ought to give this a read.

BTW - If anybody can help me figure out how to change the link colors, that would be wonderful! (The header and other parts are customized because I was able to figure out those parts of the layout code... but I can't, for the life of me, figure out this link thing)

On A Roll

2006-01-19T00:53:00.000-06:00

Yeah... I got in trouble... AGAIN. Thanks to Ree (lol...you will pay later in this post, don't worry!! *weg*), Rico visited her blog and got a new "idea" and decided that our "new rule" would be "no foul language." Now, I really don't want to cuss... I hate hearing other people cuss... but it's been a habit for a long time. So, I racked up a nice little set of them, on top of "giving him orders," and got myself a good belting tonight. It was over my jeans ... but GEE WHIZ! My jeans are thin, and I was freezing cold because it was outside... Can you say, "ouch!?" My entire butt and a good three or four inches of my thighs is nice and red - not to mention the various bruises beginning to surface.

So, as a token of my gratitude for Ree's nice list of rules, I decided to go ahead and cater to her curiosity (see my last post's comments). Here's a list of the punishments I received last week.

-Drumstick spanking (Rowen, I assure you - this gets the point across very well!)
-Internet restriction for five days (Except to talk to him)
-Several comfort withdrawals:

Bed restriction for one night
Food restriction after 2:00 p.m. until the next morning for one day
Had to wake up early

-Handwritten, in pen, summary of four chapters from the Bible (It had to be at least one page long and I was allowed only five mistakes or I had to restart)
-Corner time
-Cleaning chores
-Timeout (For lack of a better term? I had to stay in my room for five hours... in which I did the above mentioned summary)

Now, I just want to reiterate that even though some things came up, that I discussed in my last post, I am glad that it all happened.

So, Ree, did that suffice your curiosity? *weg* ;) (BTW - I am completely joking!)

Continuation

2006-01-16T21:45:00.000-06:00

... of the Drumstick story. Although, not really in "story-style." Rico and I actually had to experience the non-fantasy-really-bad side of D/d and D/s the past few days. Well, this is what happened...

After the drumstick spanking, I didn't really want to admit it at first, but I was still feeling guilty and regretful. I knew that if we were able to really be together, I would've asked him to continue spanking me. But what to do when that's not possible? I wasn't sure, but we had to try something. So I admitted it to him and he decided to punish me. Well, here I am thinking "guilt release," and he's over there thinking, "punishment - must get the point across." Probably a typical newbie screw-up, but one we had to deal with nonetheless.

Can I just say... HE GOT THE POINT ACROSS!!!!

Apparently, I'd done a couple other less-serious things and he decided to "add those in" to my guilt release "punishment." I was not a happy camper. On top of all that, the things he chose happened to be things that really affect me more severely than they would normal people (for different physical reasons - nothing that could kill me or seriously mess with my health). But, it's OK because we learned a whole lot through it.

1) Communication is critical.
2) I have physical issues that make certain punishments impact me much more severely.
3) My being in the right mind-set for whatever is about to happen to me is super important.

Even though it was really hard for me, I did go through with everything he'd originally chosen for me to accept. In doing so, I kept from letting myself down and dealing with more regret later, and I also proved to him that I would submit to anything he firmly decided and that I was truly serious about my committment to this lifestyle.

So despite the craziness, it's all good.

:)

I'm back!!

2006-01-16T01:24:00.000-06:00

And SO happy... I was starting to feel the blog addiction take over...

It took me forever to catch up on my reading, and I'm still not totally done, so I don't have much of substance to write about at the moment. Tomorrow, though, I'll recap my week/end for y'all.

However, I was tagged...not once, but TWICE (by Janeen and tboneslagirl) ... so I'll fulfill those dutiful blogger duties tonight... (err.. this morning?) and put up some quiz results off of Bonnie's blog:

Here are the instructions:

Go to your blog archive
Find the 23rd post
Find the 5th sentence
Post the text of the sentence in a blog entry along with these instructions
Tag five other people

My 25th post didn't have 5 sentences, so I went ahead to my 26th post... it's perfect, LOL!

" That was when my spanko mind took over. "

Now... who to share my tagged fate? Hmmm... Unfortunately, I don't think I know of five people who haven't already done this yet, lol. So, if you read this, haven't been tagged yet, and want to play - you're tagged. *g*

Alright, now the quiz:

You scored as Tied to the Bed, Propped with Pillows. Your spankings are but one important aspect of a complex BDSM relationship.

Brought to you by My Bottom Smarts.

The Diaper Position

83%

Tied to the Bed, Propped with Pillows

83%

Over the Back of the Couch

75%

Over the Lap

75%

The Bent-Over Ankle Grab

33%

What is My Favorite Spanking Position?
created with QuizFarm.com

Restriction

2006-01-11T01:30:00.000-06:00

I'm on restriction until Sunday... sorry. :'(

See y'all in a few days.

Drumsticks

2006-01-09T14:32:00.000-06:00

I walked past him, a flirtatious smile on my lips. My hands grasped the rope swing and I leaned back towards him. He glanced at me from the pile of boards he was sorting through.
"I bet I know what you want..." He whispered in my ear, as he lifted some planks and made his way back to the fire where the rest of our friends were. I watched as he re-kindled the flames and then came back to me.
"Mmmm... maybe. As long as it's a good one." I winked at him. I was sure I was playing the game just right.
"Go find out where everyone is at, and I'll think about it."
Think about what? Whether it should be good or not? Suddenly my heart began to drop. Maybe I hadn't played it right. I'd forgotten about my behavior over the past couple days.

I swallowed hard and began walking towards the house. Gradually it dawned on me that the yard was huge. There were nooks and crannies everywhere I looked - the dark, cool night hid several corners. From the swing where I'd been flirting with fate, all the way to the house, not a soul was in sight. The house was practically empty, excepting a lone TV junkie and a few mewing cats. I was in for it.

Delaying the inevitable for as long as possible, I found the medicine cabinet and downed some pills for the headache I felt coming on. Just as I gulped the last of the water from my glass, I heard the door close behind me. I cringed and turned just in time to see him walk in; looking for me.
"There's nobody around... Sorry I had to get some medicine for my head." I said before he had a chance to ask.
"Alright, let's go."

We walked out of the house side by side. The thought of how much I loved him brought on the guilt pangs. I looked down at my feet.
"It's going to be a punishment spanking." I knew already, and simply nodded my head.
"Do you know why you're getting it?" He asked, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"For being disrespectful to you." I replied in a small voice. My stomach felt like a dropping elevator.
He steered me towards an elevated shed with steps attached to the front of it. We stopped and he looked around. From the corner of the little building you could see the people congregating around the fire in the distance.
"Alright, let's go to the picnic table over there." He pointed about twenty-five feet away. I immediately balked.
"Why not right here by the steps? At least the vehicles block the house over here." It was true. The picnic table was lined up directly with a clear shot to the door.
"OK, we'll do it here." He agreed and turned to pick something up. When he turned back, he held a flat, thin piece of wood in his hand. My heart did double time.
"This might be too loud..." He pointed out, looking around the corner suspiciously, "Lean over the steps."

I put my hands on the steps and angled my butt in the direction he wanted. After a moment of positioning, I felt the first slap of the implement he'd chosen. It stung, but it would take more than one lick for the pain to build up. However, the cracking noise was loud enough to make him hesitate, so I turned to look at him.
"I'm going to use my hand because that was too loud and I don't want anyone walking up."
I just nodded. I was so nervous. Somewhat because of the idea that people were everywhere, mostly because I had no clue just what he had in mind. Would it be long? Would it be really hard? Just how mad was he?

A few hand smacks into the spanking, regret began to overtake me. I really was sorry he felt the need to do this. Tonight had been a wonderful night and we'd gotten along great. But because I'd acted so rotten the days before, he had to interject this punishment into it. It took a while, but the spanks began to add up and I could feel the heat burning into my butt. Jeans and all, the sting was still getting to me.
Finally he paused, "Ten more - count them out."
And I did. Those were the hardest of the whole bunch, and I had to shift my weight a few times.
When it was over, I turned and he held me in his arms. His body shook slightly, and I wondered outloud why. He didn't know. There wasn't a hint of anger in his body, so I knew it was nothing like rage. I decided that it had to be the mix of emotions he himself was feeling. Having to punish me for both our conscious' sakes. Maybe slightly anxious because of all the people. Sadness at what I'd done? My heart dropped again.
"I'm sorry..." I said quietly.
"It's alright, I forgive you."

But I still felt bad. Because he'd chosen that piece of wood initially, I knew he intended on the spanking being a lot more harsh than it was. And I knew I deserved it.
"Was that good enough?" I asked a little later. He looked down at me, a quizzical look in his eyes.
"Yeah, Baby." And he kissed me on the forehead. But something just wasn't right.
"Promise?" I insisted. He kissed me again and forced a smile. He will never promise me something unless it's absolutely true. So, I knew it wasn't good enough when he refused to answer.
"I stopped because I didn't want anyone to walk up." He admitted.
"If you get the chance again tonight, promise me you'll finish?" I said quietly. He promised.

The opportunity did present itself. Later on we found ourselves upstairs in the house. Only a few others were mulling around. I knew I would feel guilty and horrible for days if I didn't get the spanking over with, so I looked around for an implement and a place to go. I could have grabbed a hairbrush out of the bathroom. I could have taken a ruler from the kitchen counter. I even could have borrowed a belt from one of the bedrooms. But when I saw the drumsticks, my choice was made.

A while back, he'd picked up a set of drumsticks and smacked me a couple times. Only for play, but the sting was strangely intense. I liked the after effects combined with the erotic mindset, but I knew I'd hate those things for punishment. I wasn't scared to tell him that either. In fact, I made it quite clear that other than light taps, I already abhorred those makeshift implements.

So, choosing the drumsticks had a lot of meaning behind it. I knew the pain would be intense, but with all the people... it had to be to get the point across in the time-frame we were presented with. I also knew that he would remember my major dislike for them, and realize that I was completely aware of what I deserved.

I grabbed one and went towards him. When he saw, his face wrinkled in confusion, "A drumstick? Are you sure?"
I nodded a quiet yes.
It didn't take long for me to slip inside a doorway. I leaned against the wall, and he started the last of my punishment. Just as I had suspected, the pain was very profound. I grit my teeth and balled my fists up tightly. Counting was the last thing on my mind. All I could do was hope to God it wouldn't last long. It didn't take but a minute for me to start shifting my weight again. The sting was shocking, and although he alternated cheeks, he kept coming back to the same spot on each side.

Just as I was about to cross over into involuntary noise making, he stopped. As if on cue. I stood there and sucked in a few deep breaths; trying vainly to even out the pain.
"It's over, Baby."
Once again, I turned into his arms and apologized. This time, it was really over.

And I still hate drumsticks.

Queen Witch

2006-01-08T15:35:00.000-06:00

At least... that's what I feel like writing on my forehead - "Beware: Queen Witch of the Universe." Needless to say, these past few days have been bad. On top of being sick, I have had some unusual femenine issues crop up. Jumble all of that together and add an argument here or there, and all h*ll breaks loose. *sighs*

Thank God Rico has had some major patience with me through it all. One giant reality hit me, though. I've come to the conclusion that my journey into submission is more like a journey into trust. Fully trusting Rico with everything inside me. He's never given me a reason to not trust him, yet certain things will happen and I become desperate for some sort of control.

Maybe it's the years of hurt, the years my trust has been abused by others, the incredibly thick walls I've put up to guard my heart - whatever it is, I noticed that I become like a wild animal. Stick me in a corner, make me feel threatened, and I'll freak out. It could be a word, a phrase, even an certain physical action that sets me off. I remember my past, I become absolutely terrified of anything like that happening again, and I snap. It's completely unfair to Rico, and I know it. It's not his fault I'm so screwed up - but it winds up coming down on him anyway. I feel selfish and horrible for the things I do and say and I hardly ever mean most of it.

Something clicked last night, though. He got to a point where I'd confused him so badly he straight up asked me, "Should we put D/d and D/s on hold until you can trust me?" All of a sudden, I broke down and just started sobbing my eyes out. Since we started this lifestyle, we have been closer than ever before. I have found a respect for him, a deeper love for him... than I ever knew was possible. He didn't want to quit, but I'd become so ridiculous that he wasn't sure I even wanted this anymore. That totally wasn't the message I thought I was sending.

Amazing how badly miscommunication can mess things up.

We aren't quitting... thank God. We both love the effects we've seen of living this way. But I will trust him. I have no reason in the world not to. I want him to be my leader, to control me, to dominate me... but how can he do those things without my absolute trust? He can't.

It's that simple.

2006 So Far...

2006-01-04T22:41:00.000-06:00

I haven't been feeling too well. *sad face* Usually when I'm hurting, or sick with something, I'm really irritable, weak, and unstable. This time was no different. However, I did notice that I was more aware of the things I was saying and the way I was acting. For me to realize that... was a wonderful thing. Sometimes I can be the most oblivious person on the planet when it comes to knowing how the way I'm treating people is affecting them. Mainly Rico. Living with consequences makes me think twice... for that I am so happy. Nonetheless, the last week or so has had its share of crimes and punishments.

Well, I've started writing a daily journal on Rico's request. It shows me that he's really interested in my thoughts on my submission to him and I respect that so much. When I first started, procrastination let to me missing a few days, but firm consequences got me back in the right mind frame about the journal's importance.

Another recent incident happened concerning obedience. As I believe I've written before, a rule Rico and I have is that when he is with me I have to ask his permission to eat. This is fine with me. It's almost more of a submission exercise for me than anything. The closest he's come to denying me his permission is prolonging it. So my asking is just an act of submission to his control. However, the other day I deliberately ate without asking him. I had excuses, of course. But it was defiance nonetheless; I was impatient. Cleaning my room and scrubbing it clean with a toothbrush plus lines and an apology letter jerked me out of that attitude.

Finally, tonight I disrespectfully motioned for Rico to come to me. Because of the way I did it, he felt humiliated and as if I were treating him like a dog. I honestly wasn't thinking that way when I did it, but looking back I can see how it came off as though I were ordering him around. So yeah, that got me 100 lines. One mess up allowed or I start over. Fun stuff.

All that, and I couldn't be happier. I'm with the man of my dreams, and he is fulfilling my desires better than I ever imagined he ever would. *sighs dreamily* Hope y'all are having a wonderful New Year so far. *g*

A Glutton for Punishment

2006-01-01T23:45:00.000-06:00

I've heard that phrase used all my life, and only recently looked up the actual definition of it: "Someone who does something most people would find unpleasant." (some searches vary, but that's basically it)

Well... for the purpose of this post, I'm going to change that definition. *g*

It took me a while to get to the place where I can comfortably say, sometimes I just need to be punished. I'd read about "reminder" and "stress relief" spankings, but something just didn't click until recently. There is this little part of me that awakens every now and then screaming for control.

I need to be dominated. At times, for no particular reason at all, I absolutely have got to feel Rico's sheer power over me. To those who have no concept of it, the thought is insane. I mean, what "normal" person wants to be corrected and disciplined - for no reason, at that! Guess that makes me the epitomy of abnormal.

But it's OK. I'm content with my strange desires and weird genetic makeup. It's a part of who I am, and for the first time, I'm alright with that. What makes that feeling possible, is the fact that Rico believes the same thing. Without him behind me - his support, agreement, consolidation - I'd sink into utter insecurity.

What really surprised me was that my need for such things can be fulfilled without necessarily being spanked. It takes creativity on Rico's part, and the right mindset on mine, but it works well enough for me. Not that I don't want, want, WANT that SO badly - but with our circumstances, we just aren't able to do it like it needs to be done quite yet. So we have to... improvise.

That being said, I hereby title myself (at times) A Glutton for Punishment. My definition being:

"Someone who desires to be, and at times indulges in being, punished [dominated, controlled, disciplined, corrected]."

And that, my friends, is where I believe we crossed the line from D/d to the D/s world.

Gotta love me. ;)

----

On a more personal note, Rico has become more strict about my referring to him with a title (to my absolute delight!).

Happy New Year!

2006-01-01T00:45:00.000-06:00

;)

Cane Reeds

2005-12-28T23:58:00.000-06:00

Well, I decided that since I teased y'all with the bit about the cane reeds, I ought to go ahead and recount the experience. What better place to do so? *G*

----

The fire was burning, and we were standing out there next to it as usual. Rico and I love fires in the wintertime. If someone has started a fire, you can bet we'll be sitting out there, beside it, enjoying the blazes; our clothes slowly absorbing the smoke, and our eyes gradually glazing over because of it.

That was when my spanko mind took over.

I'd spotted the cane reeds laid all over the fire. And, of course, I just had to know what they'd feel like. The reeds varied between about 1/4 inch thick to 1/2 inch thick, and reminded me of a rubbery switch. I peeled the protruding branches and leaves off of one and broke it down to a workable size. After testing it through the air and on myself a time or two, I got Rico's attention and handed it off. I didn't have explain anything. His eyes, and the smile on his face, mirrored my own. He swished it through the air, and before I knew it, brought it down sharply against the bottom of my butt. My jeans offered some protection, but not much. Being skin tight and fairly thin, the sting burned right through. Before the sting had hardly subsided, he smacked it across the back of my thighs another two or three times. I looked up at his face and had to smile. His face was one of a "I KNOW that one hurt!" type. Once the burn began to fade again, a new sensation began to take over, and I smiled again.

I like this.

Yes... I know... that probably doesn't surprise you. But something about the realization, "I'm being smacked with a cane reed that burns and stings like h*ll... and I love it!" blows your mind when it first surfaces. What was even funnier, was watching other people "catch on" (in a purely vanilla way) and chase each other around with these things. I had to laugh when I heard several guys whine about the sting as I stood there voluntarily taking it.

I believe I got my first endorphin rush that night. For over two hours I stood around that fire while Rico randomly popped me with the reed (which had to be changed out every now and then) in varying severity.

It wasn't until I tried to sit down that the effect of it started to hit me. I cringed and just knew I'd be feeling it for a few days.

Sure enough, there were a ton of little lines all over my thighs and butt - accompanied by bigger bruises and welps. I was enjoying it so much, that the idea of it marking never crossed my mind. I didn't think I would... LOL!

----

Right, so, there's my cane reed/endorphin rush story from Christmas Eve night. :)

(My bruises are still very visible.)

Merry Christmas

2005-12-25T21:46:00.000-06:00

...And A Happy New Year

--------

*Edit:

Also, as of Christmas Eve night, I have a new love/hate feeling towards these little suckers:

(cane reeds)

Ideas

2005-12-19T21:31:00.000-06:00

Especially as, by general definition, newbies, Rico and I are always looking for ideas. Ideas for rules, activities, or even punishments, that will enhance the lifestyle and power exchange.
I found this list here, but these are the ones I like and [might] consider one day. Some are added by me, while others may be altered to fit my tastes. ;) The wording is directed at the S/O.

*Edit: If this strikes your interest at all, take the time to read it! It really is worth it (I think, anyway).

~~~

1. Have her wear "slave/submission" bells. The constant soft jingling of the bells is soothing and a type of reminder of her submission.

2. When she has broken a rule, talk to her as You punish; make her speak in detail about why what she did was wrong.

3. Make her take her shoes off every day as soon as she enters Your house.

4. A beautiful, special collar will make any slave/submissive joyous. Take the time to select the right one, and have her wear it as often as possible.

5. Have her call You each day at a specified time, no excuses.

6. Give her anklets and tell her she must wear one of them every day, no excuses.

7. Whenever possible (i.e. no curious young-uns about), have her kneel before You and ask to accompany You upon the furniture.

8. Choose her hairstyle and go with her to get it cut to Your specifications.

9. Whenever possible, have her display herself whenever You come into the room (i.e. legs spread, shirt unbuttoned). No matter what position You take, she is to be sure Your view is unobstructed.

10. When around the kids or vanilla friends/family, make sure she has a specific alternative title for You besides Master (such as: "my Love," "Darling," etc.).

11. "Use" her sexually in a rough, selfish way when You feel like it; interrupting whatever she was doing.

12. Choose a food that she dislikes and have her eat a small portion every day for a week.

13. Have her crawl to bed at night.

14. Bring her a stuffed animal each time You go out of town. *g*

15. Choose her clothing each day.

16. Have her get Your daily wardrobe ready for You the night before (i.e. laid out, ironed, etc.).

17. After punishment, have her kiss Your boots/feet and thank You for loving her enough to correct her.

18. Have her bring a warm towel and wash/massage Your feet each day after work.

19. Get her tattooed (Your choice of art and location).

20. Get her pierced (or, preferably, if You are trained, do it Yourself).

21. Get her branded.

22. Respect, but push her limits.

23. Ask her each night what she did that day that You would not have approved of. This gets her in the habit of being completely honest, and, also, makes her conscious of the things she could do better each day.

24. Teach her exactly how You want her to kneel, and demand perfection.

25. "Reward" her by allowing her to please You sexually.

26. Supervise her workout routine.

27. Each night she is to kneel next to the bed asking permission to sleep with You, and each night she does, she is to kneel by the bed in the morning and thank You for the privilege.

28. Have her polish Your boots weekly; on her knees and at Your feet.

29. Negotiate, until you are both comfortable with the terms, and then sign a contract.

30. Give her a writing assignment: (i.e."The definition of Pain - 1000 words," "The definition of Obedience," etc.).

31. Have her keep a diary of her journey into submission.

32. Instruct her that she may never get herself something to eat or drink in Your presence without first asking You if You want something.

33. Some evenings, keep her on a leash and take her with You no matter what You do; even if You do not speak to her or include her in Your activities.

34. When appropriate, she is to speak only when spoken to.

35. Reward her by giving her delicious pleasure.

36. When it suits You, instruct her not to make eye contact with You without Your command.

37. Have her keep her body cleanly shaven at all times.

38. Conduct random inspections of her body to make sure she keeps herself to Your specifications.

39. Make her wear a butt-plug under her clothes whenever she goes out alone.

40. For transgressions, have her write Your name on the bottom of her foot and tell her to remember she is walking on You with each step. (It is harder to do that than You might think...)

41. Master the art of the meaningful, piercing stare.

42. Give her reading assignments.

43. Test her on the reading assignments to make sure she learned the "appropriate lessons" from each.

44. Instruct her to keep her toenails painted perfectly everyday, and check to see that they are before bed.

45. Make it her responsibility to put the toys away after play and punishment, and to keep them clean and neat.

46. "Reward" her by letting her name her favorite scene, toys, etc.

47. Call her Your (i.e. slut, pet, girl, etc.).

48. Have her make a list of the 10 things that make her the most self-conscious, uncomfortable, or embarrassed.

49. Work with her, having her do the things on the list (if possible), so that she conquers those fears and hesitations.

50. Sometimes, pamper her. Wash her body and hair; have her remain perfectly still as You turn her and move her about.

51. Hand feed her like a small child (on occasion).

52. Have her eat from a dog bowl (on occasion).

53. Praise her dedication when she has pleased You well.

54. Instruct her that (when it suits You) she cannot touch Your body without permission.

55. Have her write a "meditation" about her submission, devotion, and trust in You. Have her say it aloud each night before falling asleep.

56. Have her memorize the "meditation" she wrote so that she can recite it on demand.

57. Some days, allow her no clothing whatsoever (when practical).

58. For transgressions, deny her "play."

59. Along the same lines, for transgressions, deny her orgasm (i.e. give her sex, but don't allow her to cum).

60. For transgressions, command that she is to be silent for a week. She may not speak, and will take whatever pain or pleasure You give as silently as possible.

61. Have her wear a toe ring you picked out for her.

62. Tell her one morning that she must cum for You 15 times that day. Then, have her write about it (if it suits You).

63. Have her wear nipple clamps, under her clothing, out to dinner.

64. On Your birthday, let her receive Your spankings. *g*

65. Spend time training her how to move gracefully; in a way that pleases You.

66. For transgressions, have her stand/kneel in the corner (for variety, have her kneel on uncooked rice, on hard surfaces, or in awkward positions).

67. Defend her honor to those who would disrespect Your "prized possession."

68. Pet/caress her often.

69. Whenever possible, have her sleep in a cage.

70. Buy her sexy or slutty clothes to Your liking.

71. Teach her things. Expand her knowledge in a patient, Fatherly way.

72. When You are away, call her and have her masturbate for You.

73. Remember all special occasions.

74. Lead her with a loving fist in her hair.

75. Wake her each morning with an assigned task for the day, and make sure it is done by the day's end.

76. Teach her patience.

77. Videotape Your "sessions" and watch them together.

78. On long trips, have her wear double dildo latex underwear.

79. Hand feed her chocolate.

80. Have her place her regular wear shoes in a line by the front door. They should be in a straight line with the laces tucked inside, or the buckles buckled; inspect them periodically.

81. Keep a list of her transgressions in a little book. Let her slip for a while, thinking You are not noticing, then one day, bring out the book and have a day of atonement. ;)

82. Tickle her - just because You can.

83. Have her be perfectly still and quiet while You bring her extreme pleasure. When/if she moves, or makes a sound, punish her... but then return to the pleasure.

84. Keep her locked in her collar when You are home. You place it on her while she kneels. Wear the key to the lock around Your neck.

85. When possible, have her cook and serve Your dinner - wearing nothing but an apron and collar. *g*

86. Buy her a Polaroid camera and tell her to take pictures of herself for You (i.e. in certain outfits, positions, etc.).

87. Remember to kiss and caress away her tears.

88. But don't be afraid to bring her to tears.

89. Caress her, whisper into her ear that You love her, nibble on her belly, lick her thighs and make love to her until she cries (if possible).

90. Have her fall asleep with Your c*ck in her mouth and tell her You expect it to be there when You awake.

91. Occasionally, fulfill her fantasies.

92. Your word is the last word.

93. Make sure that she is safe at all times; when with You and when You are apart (to the best of Your ability). Keep her vehicle in good working order, make sure she has emergency money, and a cell phone to call for help (if needed).

94. Be consistent.

95. Take the time to talk to her. Learn her fears, her dreams, and fantasies. Use Your knowledge.

96. When You go out of town, forbid her to shave her sex. Shave her Yourself when You return.

97. Specify exactly how she will address You in private and in public.

98. Have her stay within a certain distance from You (i.e. 10 ft.) when you go out together; unless she asks permission to go elsewhere and You choose to grant it.

99. Choose a designated side of You (left or right) that she must sit, stand, or walk at.

Corner time

2005-12-15T01:23:00.000-06:00

is not something I enjoy.

Especially on winter nights ... jeez. Thankfully, I've only had one encounter so far, but, I'm quite sure that I don't want another.

Unless of course.... *weg*

Anywayz, here's a drawing for y'all. I'm not totally happy with it, and this is actually a picture of it (not a scan) ... so... =P Go easy on me.

Protocol?

2005-12-12T00:35:00.000-06:00

I've been reading and thinking a lot on protocols in a D/d, D/s relationship. It's amazing the diversity and extremity out there. Some are borderline vanilla, while others reach way into realms I'd rather not go - and then there are rituals.
I like protocols, though. Maybe it's my curiosity, maybe my intense longing to release more and more control... I'm not really sure of the "why's", but I do know they prick that little interest sensor in my brain.

When I think of protocols in my relationship, I think of a respectful, power-exchanging habit. Although the dictionary definition I found (www.dictionary.com) doesn't cover what I mean by it, this thesaurus search does:

Main Entry:	protocol
Part of Speech:	noun
Definition:	rules
Synonyms:	agreement, code, compact, concordant, conduct, contract, conventions, courtesy, covenant, custom, decorum, etiquette, formalities, good form, manners, obligation, order, pact, politesse, propriety, treaty

It is an agreement between the two of us that I follow a certain formality; pay a certain courtesy, respect a certain order of conduct.

Although circumstances prevent a whole range of things I'd love to try one day, there are still a few things we can do right now. No matter how simple, or even vanilla *g*, when I do them a conscientious power exchange is made. There are some that are less strict than others. Like responding to him with a title (Yes, Sir). Then there are those we follow almost religiously.
I'd love to give credit where credit is due, but most of these were picked up over hours of scanning zillions of blogs and websites.

Here's a short list of the protocols we follow that I can think of off-the-bat:

-Responding to him with a title.
-Staying within about 10 feet of him unless permitted to go elsewhere.
-Standing and sitting at his right side.
-Waiting for him to give me permission to eat or fix him something to eat.

Those are the main ones. They are small acts that can be performed in the outside world, that aren't obvious enough to attract unwanted attention, yet give me the power-exchanging mindset I long for and love. Do you follow types of protocol?